Friday, August 9, 2013

Shit Girls Talk About: MUST-HAVES (If you get offended easily - don't bother reading)

Upon the many conversations I've had with my girlfriends, I started realizing that as women, we sometimes make impossible requests.  There are certain things that we NEED and WANT, but of course, like everything else in the world - you can't have it all.  I may be wrong (and by all means I am open to ALL suggestions), but here is a list of the must-haves (that I thought were reasonable) that are of no contest when it comes to dating us:

1. You must have a job
2. You don't have to be super hot, just be charming
3. You just have to be well groomed and clean! Smelling like you just rubbed a turd all over your body and your teeth is not acceptable.  Handle that - and while you are at it, take care of that smile!!!
4. Please dress decent.  You don't need to look like you walked off GQ (although that wouldn't hurt), but don't look sloppy - and please! No Ed Hardy shirts and "popped collars"
5. You must have a job (yes I said it twice.  It's that important) ... We don't care what that job is (just kidding, we do care.  Being a cashier at Target will not cut it), we just need to know that there is stability, a decent pay, benefits and STABILITY
6. Stay away from the law.  Period.
7. Make us laugh.  Like seriously we love to laugh
8. Sporadic foot massages - they will get you far
9. You don't have to be Bobby Flay, but know how to fry up some eggs; toast up some bread; cook up some rice; throw some lemon on a tomato - bitches love shit like that.
10. BYOR (Bring Your Own Razor) don't be afraid and at times, give us a hand down there - After all, the poon is just for you
11. Must be a man of integrity.  If you say you'll do something, just do it.
12. HONESTY!!!  Don't be a liar and if you are going to lie, learn to do it RIGHT, because I WILL catch you (we are always one step ahead), make your life hell and kill you ... OK, I won't kill you, but I might pull out a knife on you ... as a scare tactic
13. BE FUCKING FAITHFUL (please see No. 12)!!!  If you choose me - please only be with me.  Learn to keep your dick in your pants or I will cut it off.  JUST KIDDING.  If I cut off your dick, you are of no use to me
14. You know how you dudes love a freak in the sheets?  Well, we need you to know your way around too.  Nobody has time to whip out a fucking map and a set of instructions.  Learn ya' D game
15. And yes .. I'm sorry fellas: along with good D game comes a nice size D!!!  If you don't have it, we will talk about it and laugh about it and compare it to every single one we've ever seen.  Chances are, it's just not gonna work out
16. This is for one of my friends:  Tall, Dark and Handsome.  She is a fan of the chocolate ... and they aren't so bad ... just saying.
17.  Please don't be cocky and please don't be a cornball, every girl loves a challenge and some mystery
18.  Please be ambitious and get yourself a fucking job!!! PLEASE!!!!  Just have a job.
19. You know how you guys love blow-jobs?  Well sometimes we like shoes or a nice leather bag or maybe some jewelry ... just saying
20. There should only be one of us, in the relationship, with a fucking vagina. Please leave your melo-dramatic, depressive, needy bullshit at the door. It's not welcome here
21. We will be true to you and support throughout everything and in turn let the chivalry come out. It's not 1950, but I still like to think that there is a gentleman in every one of you. It's in there ... Don't be shy. Let it out. 
22. Lastly, please love us unconditionally.  We have to deal with your stupidity, so don't judge us for being a little crazy.  Crazy can be exciting ... and who doesn't love a good adventure (that doesn't involve knives ... and restraining orders ... and the police)

Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!
Don't forget that razor fellas!!!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Bitches Be Like ...

31 is the new 21 ... or so that's what I've convinced myself since a year ago when I turned 30.

At first, it was difficult for me to accept that I was entering the third floor, but only because everyone around me was getting married, having a baby or just simple taking the next step into their relationship.  I was surrounded by all these transitioning moments, except I wasn't transitioning into anything other than a single 30 year old and it was driving me crazy.

... and so, my 31st birthday came and went and I enjoyed every single minute of it.  I wish my 21st birthday would have been that awesome.  The only thing I remember about my 21st birthday was a limousine filled with about 8 people and the fact that I couldn't even drink on my 21st birthday because I accidentally gave the bouncer at Webster Hall my fake ID that I had been carrying around for the past 5 years - I was sooo excited to be turning 21, that I totally forgot that I no longer had to lie about being 21 and it came to bite me in the ass.  My friends spent that entire night sneaking me drinks!!  Ugh, the irony.  Anyway, my 31st birthday was amazing - I wouldn't change anything about it.  My family spoiled me with amazing gifts and I had an amazing turnout for the night-time celebration!  According to one of my friends, I, "walked out the club the way you should be walking out of a club on your birthday guurrrrl" - Quoted!  The funny thing is, that I didn't walk out "the club", because my friends had to actually carry me out.  It took 2 days for me to recover from that night.  I said this before and I will say this again ... 31 is the new 21 unless an obscene amount of alcohol is involved and then 31 is just a 31 year old that can no longer handle liquor like a 21 year old".

Although I know that there might be some negatives to getting older, here are the 10 reasons why I've enjoyed it thus far:
1.   I make more money and thankfully, I'm starting to enjoy that money
2.   I don't look older than 25 and when I still get asked for my ID - It makes MY FUCKING WEEK!!!
3.   My confidence is much higher now than it was in my 20's - I don't need to be cool to fit in and I sure as hell am not embarrassed to stay home on a Friday night alone.  Um, can we say: PJ's, wine and movies!?  It's DIVINE!!!
4.   I'm more experienced and mature now - I finally know what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it
5.   I no longer have to explain myself to anyone because I'm a really, really, really, young older person now and my decisions actually merit some value
6.   I love blasting the "old school" music I grew up listening to and I'm not embarrassed about it, because it's actually good music!!! *rolls eyes* fucking Justin Bieber (vomits)
7.   Older, creepy guys that like 20-somethings, don't hit on me anymore.  Apparently, I have become a target for hot, young boys under 25!!!  I've met more guys now then in my 20's and I'm lovin' every minute of it
8.   I still have a hot group of single girlfriends and we own it when we go out
9.   My vjay is my temple and the sex is great!  There ... I said it.
10. I'm fucking 31 - I'm NOT dead!!!  I'm beautiful, young, ambitious, focused, amazing, in control of my life and I still have goals that I'm able to accomplish!  I have so much to offer and I can't wait for the world to see it!!!

The truth is, entering the third floor hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Sure, I have my moments, but don't we all?  Life has never looked better.  And so what if I'm not married yet or have kids?  I may not be a wife yet, but I will be one day and for the right guy, I will be amazing!  And I may not be a mom yet, but I'm the coolest and funniest auntie ever and I'm surrounded by some of the cutest, most beautiful nieces and nephews and god-kids that I could have ever asked for ... I get the best of both worlds without that added responsibility.

Life is good - PARTY ON BITCHES!!!