tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78921688532434152452024-03-13T00:49:25.045-07:00Single Struggle SnippetsLearning to enjoy the bumpy dating ride.NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-16285595941764820352015-10-06T13:52:00.000-07:002015-10-07T09:46:45.032-07:00When It Comes To Life ...<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">If circa 1995 you were to ask me how I envisioned my life, I would
say that I was 150% positive that by now I would be some rich man’s trophy
wife (minus the trophy part, because I’m not super model hot … I’m like fat and
really pretty), probably working on my third or fourth child, driving around in
a fancy SUV because ewww, mini van’s – and going to yoga class, because
hello!? That’s what rich trophy wives do!</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">… Let’s fast forward to 2015: I am not rich; I am far from any
type of trophy anything; I’m still debating if I even want children; I drive a
2012 Civic coupe and I work a regular 9-5p.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">No rich men ever chased me – thanks for the false hope Julia
Roberts. No. Wait. I’m not a prostitute either.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">When I turned 30, I had to reevaluate my life and priorities.
I NOW like to think of myself as belonging to that new generation of women that
have somehow submerged from the depths of some angelic hell over the last
couple years – you know who they are; you see them everywhere: the selfish,
sexually free 30 something year olds; the ones that still party and wander
around with a bottle of wine or tequila, in their hands. They are
independent and career minded and have zero tolerance for bulls#!%. I
like this life better.</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">Which brings me to my next point: Career or Family?</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">Everyone around me is getting engaged, married and/or having kids - except ME. I'll go crazy if I start thinking about it. So, I stopped
focusing on everyone around me and stopped caring about what everyone felt I
should do with my life. Here’s my metaphor: I’ve walked down that road, hit some bumps
along the way. I’ve fallen, dusted myself off and gotten back up and now? I’ve arrived at the fork in the road and I choose career.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">Don’t be fooled by my words - I’m a hopeless romantic and deep,
deep, deep, deep like really deep down inside I want to get
married and maybe have a kid or two. But not right now. I gave that thing called
romance a try and failed so hard. Some may say, “why not have
both!?” While this is true and very attainable - love/relationships/marriage/kids are just not in the cards for me right now. I actually can’t help but cringe at
the thought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">The world has given me the opportunity to start over in a new
career and to travel – my “freedom” has allowed for me to pursue my long time
dream - a new venture; a semi-new life! I encourage all women to do
this. I wish I would have done this ten years ago, but I was too busy
chasing love instead and partying my life away. Of course, there’s nothing
wrong with that, but I am not the same person I was ten years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">I want women to know that it is ok to be <em>that </em>girl: The
one that chases her dreams and gets lost in them before finding the better
version of herself; the one that doesn’t conform to society's ideologies; the one that dances along to the beat of her own drum.
Don’t listen to everyone else. Don't feel like you failed because you aren't where everyone else is or expects you to or says you should be. Take a moment and think about your true
desires. Right now, mine don’t involve a husband or children. I
stopped chasing love and I chose to love me instead. and guess what!? My life is slowly, <em>FINALLY</em>, falling into place.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">I’ve always heard that love happens when you stop looking for
it. I do believe that … and I see you, Love. I see what you are
trying to do … thank you for not leaving my side. </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">But for now, I have to say: Love, I’ll see you as soon as I
get back from pursuing my dreams.</span></div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-63259833117753803162015-09-03T08:53:00.001-07:002015-09-03T09:36:33.018-07:00Thursday Morning Humor ...Am I the only person faced with humiliation? Because apparently, I forgot that dating someone on a consistent basis meant subjecting yourself to vulnerability; that in getting to know someone or someone getting to know you meant inevitably exposing all your flaws!<br />
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Here, let me be more specific, in no particular order, I give to you a list of the most embarrassing things that have ever happened while dating you:<br />
<br />
1. You took me to a fancy Italian Restaurant for my birthday (I don't normally date guys that take me out to fancy anything) and I couldn't even pronounce the plate names on the menu!!! So I asked you to order for me (you said, "No, it wouldn't be right") and I proceeded to tell you that I was having a Pretty Woman moment - and opted for a soup instead, because it's all I could pronounce. <br />
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2. In that same dinner, I became so nervous, that I began telling you a story about how I once went to go see a Flamingo dancing show. Not Flamenco ............... FLAMINGO.<br />
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3. My first ever drunk text to you.<br />
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4. I slept over your house another time and I may or may not have woken myself up from a deep sleep with a loud-ass fart. Ugh. This incident cannot be confirmed nor denied because I chose to never ask you about it. #justpretenditdidnthappen because lets be honest: GIRLS. DONT. FART. or shit. or have assholes, for that matter.<br />
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5. I lied to you about being sick w a stomach virus because I didn't want you to NOT come over that day. I'm sorry you had to deal with my gastrointestinal problem. but hey, #icebreaker.<br />
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6. When my past was revealed ... dare I say it? Eskimos brothers.<br />
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7. and again when my past kept rearing it's ugly head (Hey babe! I have a great idea! Let's play the "how many numbers" game)<br />
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8. Getting out of the shower and getting dressed/undressed in front of you. Double UGH<br />
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9. You've seen me drink 2.5 bottles of wine. By myself. To the face. Like a mutha fuckin champ<br />
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10. The first time I drank in front of you, I asked you 3455654643 times if it was OK to smoke a cigarette in front of you. Thank you for not punching me in the face =)<br />
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11. KARAOKE. <br />
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12. When you discovered my old, but super comfy yoga-turned-pajama pants with all the holes in the inner thigh.<br />
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13. We went out to eat for a Lobster festival one lovely Friday afternoon. One of my favorite dates thus far aka Top Gun Part Deux. The next morning my stomach did not agree with all the lobster yumminess we indulged in the afternoon before. I purposely woke up at like 5:30a to unleash hell in your bathroom. Fortunately for me, you woke up shortly after and proceeded to use the bathroom after me. Again, we can add this to the list of things to #justpretenditdidnthappen. I'm sorry.<br />
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14. When I admitted my true fear of open doors to you "Because Ghosts and shit".<br />
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and lastly,<br />
<br />
15. Our first BBQ together.<br />
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I would add more stories and embarrass you, but let's just keep this one about me. In the meantime, thank you for not judging me.<br />
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THe struggle continues.NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-80338698883996229052015-03-26T11:06:00.001-07:002015-03-26T11:25:28.802-07:00That One Tiny Regret ...What's that saying? Don't regret your decisions because at one point it was exactly what you wanted and now you are a better person for it and blah, blah, blah *rolling eyes into an oblivion* ... <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiByIvyeAKHHN-GJHFJQBAo1kgxviE1dp0eGUx765kLdQxCWFjCL1UxgT1gT7AuHgT9y2CqnZsA6GLQYYObV74TnURpN_FZZ41n0P9ONYOeRsxSyMwTNpWvKRdAn8DHjhJaepx25bbxNj4/s1600/Robert+Downey+Jr+face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiByIvyeAKHHN-GJHFJQBAo1kgxviE1dp0eGUx765kLdQxCWFjCL1UxgT1gT7AuHgT9y2CqnZsA6GLQYYObV74TnURpN_FZZ41n0P9ONYOeRsxSyMwTNpWvKRdAn8DHjhJaepx25bbxNj4/s1600/Robert+Downey+Jr+face.jpg" height="200" width="175" /></a></div>
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Maybe this is true. Maybe they are just words that help us get through the regret of the mistake we just dove into head first - sort of like a false sense of hope. Maybe we were just under the influence of alcohol and really? Who. The fuck. Thinks clearly then. <br />
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My point is that I've definitely made mistakes ... haven't we all? I usually am not one to regret my mistakes, because I make a lot and generally I just tend to not give a fuck, but sometimes, <strong>SOME-TIMES</strong>, I get weak and there's that one <em>tiiiiiiiny</em> regret that slips its way through the cracks of my subconscious and comes back to haunt me. Here is my story ...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiteEHmxR7LhkvnP-NaDP4649ic84zUmOQeUgSqmEJumTrUhMGCXMZUucijITFi4BRDOwk7hNPJYGSQ2OPd-8zRTXOufN5vOlezTZfOeFLNDV9OIaMTQnpd10N9KsV8eK_qns0kI5ozzDk/s1600/Temptation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiteEHmxR7LhkvnP-NaDP4649ic84zUmOQeUgSqmEJumTrUhMGCXMZUucijITFi4BRDOwk7hNPJYGSQ2OPd-8zRTXOufN5vOlezTZfOeFLNDV9OIaMTQnpd10N9KsV8eK_qns0kI5ozzDk/s1600/Temptation.jpg" height="320" width="224" /></a></div>
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The Temptation: He sets his eyes on you and makes the first move. You know he's all wrong for you. He's the dark, mysterious, player type. It's written all over his face. He's the man your mother warned you about, but my God how much fun that man is. With those shifty eyes that are always looking for a better deal, if he doesn't already have one waiting ... but you are an enchantress (maybe that's the alcohol working) and at this point your brain has made you believe that your clamburger possesses the magical sorcery needed to convert this (otherwise unexplainably appealing) asshole into a one woman kind of man. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixkNfDFtRyQfcWQ-duhaTXH4x0LXBC8tXZB-xs0cxQPejfzhcpcbXYhniGmm02TtxxuLMkJkfyrNq91n1eo_FrapNovB-DYHvdK4E7TukyFxyCvHH9P8PeuUhIJUW4oRHFZMNjCI6LtZs/s1600/beards+and+tattoos.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixkNfDFtRyQfcWQ-duhaTXH4x0LXBC8tXZB-xs0cxQPejfzhcpcbXYhniGmm02TtxxuLMkJkfyrNq91n1eo_FrapNovB-DYHvdK4E7TukyFxyCvHH9P8PeuUhIJUW4oRHFZMNjCI6LtZs/s1600/beards+and+tattoos.JPG" height="200" width="170" /></a></div>
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But like the little devious vagina whisperer that he is, he says all the right things - lies, to be exact, but they are such beautiful lies. He knows how to make you feel like you are the only woman in the world and no matter how hard to try to fight it, before you even know it ... your favorite panties are somewhere across the room never to be found again.<br />
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Will all the ladies personally victimized by this type of seducer please raise your hands!!!<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pgYx3g7T1gl-e2V5gihLvWHghOobCTg_RRy4Jgb1XGJEY3iqWCG6uE_ZgV22oPuGQztwvYFit1ppNBzeh-gwmBQIRqPn_0u-7vAQecVT2jRQybzNaWZAga2c-eT-VnvBEXPMu-WEvaM/s1600/Hands+Raised.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pgYx3g7T1gl-e2V5gihLvWHghOobCTg_RRy4Jgb1XGJEY3iqWCG6uE_ZgV22oPuGQztwvYFit1ppNBzeh-gwmBQIRqPn_0u-7vAQecVT2jRQybzNaWZAga2c-eT-VnvBEXPMu-WEvaM/s1600/Hands+Raised.jpg" height="197" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">United we stand, ladies ...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The Waiting Game: We are all adults, so let's just own up to the deed that was done. This guy was trouble from the moment you saw him and you fought temptation like a warrior but you caved like a weakling. Half of you believes that he will actually keep wanting to see you and the other half knows that the fun ends after all is said and done ... and so, like an optimistic, naïve, little girl you wait ever-so-patiently by that phone ...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrV8bck1MXa16lPG-rB3tNOkI4yQLBjGfE0CMauv__e2rgNd6ScPp49tW0hva86qhN7nlSNZUmSkVoN82c9ICfAll4cA7jH_TjgGvujGKeGnMWT1Cz34b2f33RSA_Mq5_9qxtIch_vBHQ/s1600/Skeleton+Waiting+Phone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrV8bck1MXa16lPG-rB3tNOkI4yQLBjGfE0CMauv__e2rgNd6ScPp49tW0hva86qhN7nlSNZUmSkVoN82c9ICfAll4cA7jH_TjgGvujGKeGnMWT1Cz34b2f33RSA_Mq5_9qxtIch_vBHQ/s1600/Skeleton+Waiting+Phone.jpg" height="218" width="320" /></a></div>
but girl! #letsbehonest, he ain't calling.<br />
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It's ok.<br />
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It's not ok.<br />
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Was it me? My clamburger?<br />
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It is what it is.<br />
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Such is life.<br />
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Que sera, sera ... <br />
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Should I keep going? At least you can look back and say you got a fun lay out of it ... AmIRiiiiiiiiiiight!? No. No, you are not right - this sucks ass. Regret consumes every fiber of your being.<br />
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... and so 2 months have now gone by and just as you and your little clamburger have regained 95% of their self-confidence back and have moved on from the situation, the Devil rears his ugly face with a fucking phone call!!!<br />
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Enter: mini-heart attack ... because let's keep it real, at first you're all:<br />
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because vaginas and emotions, that's why.<br />
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but then he begins speaking and it makes your brain hurt and then you're all:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiootKkB4jOjpH41ujfUhzezcI6Pqgo3T_6tM5WIsdeENSJ67WWeg5mp6e_KRHfO4seBX4Dnw0aJTgIRTTTihspvt4aa9P9aT8HQ6LhSIwjawsnwZxyuKOgcp4VkuTH23obt7k2PjbV1f0/s1600/Gagging+Face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiootKkB4jOjpH41ujfUhzezcI6Pqgo3T_6tM5WIsdeENSJ67WWeg5mp6e_KRHfO4seBX4Dnw0aJTgIRTTTihspvt4aa9P9aT8HQ6LhSIwjawsnwZxyuKOgcp4VkuTH23obt7k2PjbV1f0/s1600/Gagging+Face.jpg" height="253" width="320" /></a></div>
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because that game gets lame and boring and now he just needs to shut the fuck up and roll off a cliff *sighs* had you only been smarter ... So just be strong and hang up that phone (ignore the voice of regret) with your dignity still intact because for every asshole we encounter I like to believe that there is a good man out there, right around the corner, waiting to cross our path ... unless, like a typical female we friend zone him and fuck that up, too.<br />
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So until then, when regret starts creeping in, remember:<br />
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Chin up, Princess!</div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-37436928658509304062015-01-22T21:18:00.003-08:002015-02-03T07:53:57.148-08:00An Open Letter To You ...<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
Dear You:</div>
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I recently wrote my first blog for the 2015 year, which went something along the lines of explaining why I will continue to be the same awesomely selfish me as opposed to succumbing to the whole <a href="http://smilies727.blogspot.com/2014/12/new-year-same-selfish-me.html">"New Year New Me"</a> idealist crap. I am not looking retract any of my statements as I do NOT ever regret anything that I write, but I feel that perhaps it was a very opinionated and biased piece and I would therefore like to rectify the way in which my own words might have made you perceive me.</div>
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<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
So, let's just put it out there: You and I have lived very different lives since I could remember:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
I have always been selfish. The spoiled and bratty little sister with absolutely no one to think about but herself. I have to wake up every day, make sure I make it to work (on time), collect my paycheck every week, pay my bills, save some money and make sure I have enough to go and party on the weekend or enough to plan my next vacation. That is my life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
YOU have always been the selfless older sister. Your life, consists of keeping a clean home, working, paying bills, tending to your husband, making sure things get done, running errands, cooking for your family, taking care of your children – making sure they are loved, safe, not hungry, clean, sheltered, bathed and you do this all before even taking care of your own needs. I don’t even think I've begun to scratch the surface of all the hard work and dedication you put forth.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I get it. I see it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Through our many talks and fights and cries, I want you to know that I've embraced my life mainly because I have no other choice. I know you all want to see me settled down and married, but it's just not in the cards for me. I can either lock myself up in a room and cry about it or I can take the higher road and make the most of the NOW … I think I’ll choose the latter. And so, that is me: I’m a single, childless, happy as can be, free, 32 year old woman. That is who I am ... and that is the life I live: the life of a single, childless, happy as can be, free, 32 year old woman. I don’t want you to read that statement and think I’m insinuating that married woman and mothers are miserable and confined, because that is far from the truth. I applaud you, as a mother and wife; however, I am aware that there is a freedom that comes with being in my situation and I’m going to enjoy it and gloat in it while I still can.</div>
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Not so long ago, I got to see up close what goes into a marriage and having kids and while it is obvious that not every situation is the same, it did reassure my reservations about getting hitched and popping out some mini me’s. I have yet to experience the beauty of what real unconditional love is: the love that knows no boundaries and tests your strengths and capabilities and your sanity and that more often than not, will wear your patience thin; the love that you feel in your heart when you come home and your little baby boys look at you, with their lit up eyes and a smile so warm and a laugh so genuine and innocent that it makes you forget all the hurt and sadness and trials that life, at times, throws at you. I hope to one day have that - but until that day, I need you to understand that <i>THAT</i> is not the life I'm choosing to live ... for right now. But as selfish as I can be, I can also love (in my own weird way) the only way that a sister or a super cool, free-spirited Aunt know how to and there is nothing selfish about that.</div>
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<3</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_hHdWjcP7gVBX-GlC-DmAAHIrbk3p3ANWQHwAbnRo6hojVHoyT0engU4lcTsuWafiZyTY8fjddbB951LxxkVt0RSIXML0Fh_BSrQg7EhuIw4R9J5zgCKF8fXFAgNpXvlx-qiHk5FGoY/s1600/DeeNatWedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_hHdWjcP7gVBX-GlC-DmAAHIrbk3p3ANWQHwAbnRo6hojVHoyT0engU4lcTsuWafiZyTY8fjddbB951LxxkVt0RSIXML0Fh_BSrQg7EhuIw4R9J5zgCKF8fXFAgNpXvlx-qiHk5FGoY/s1600/DeeNatWedding.jpg" height="358" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet Dee and Nat Da Brat 4 evaaaaaa!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-46036845602016632662014-12-29T13:43:00.002-08:002014-12-29T20:18:24.251-08:00New Year, Same Selfish Me<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The
words I am about to write are in no way meant to offend or get a rise out
of those who might not agree with my expressed opinion.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">As stated, this is merely my opinion, which is based on
<i>my</i> own personal life experiences.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I
write to express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, I hope that my words
can touch those that share my same sentiments but haven’t found their own voice
to express the same.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I have
spent a huge chunk of my adult life searching for a boyfriend; a husband … “The
One”, if you will. I've received nothing in return but a string of poor decisions, awful experiences,
unwarranted heartache and emotional turmoil.
I have no idea why or when I drilled it into my head that I NEEDED to be
married by 25, with my first child by 28 and my last by 34 (I've come close - I was engaged twice) and it has done NOTHING but stress me the FUCK out. I've always referred to myself as a lost
soul always trying to find my way. My
closest friends could probably tell you that it has been my life mission to find a
husband no. matter. what. It didn’t make
matters any better when everyone around me was either getting engaged, getting
married or birthing some offspring: You
haven’t seen crazy like Natalia circa 2012, let me tell you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">And so,
I started off 2014 with that “New Year, New Me” mentality and I swore to the
heavens that THIS would be MY YEAR of TRUE LOVE! I wished for it so hard that when I <b>FINALLY</b> attained it, I destroyed what
otherwise would have maybe, quite possibly been a good, solid
relationship. I’m not saying that I was
100% at fault, because (let’s be honest) I wasn’t, but for the sake of an
argument, let’s just say I was somewhat at fault. Anyway, I’ve digressed … </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">** Here’s
a little cliché: They say the grass is always greener ** I’m not really sure
who “they” are, but I’m assuming it’s </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">those people</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> who are </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">now bitter and living in
regret for not choosing the path they REALLY wanted to take because they were too
scared to do so. Anyway, after wishing for a
boyfriend for so long, I finally got one and guess what? The grass </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">was</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> greener after all - when I was single and living selfishly
for ME. With no regrets, I walked away
from that mess and chose to pursue the dream career I’ve had sitting on the back
burner for quite some time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">For me,
marriage? Kids?! No. FUCK that noise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I don’t
know how I will feel in the next 6 to 12 months (never say never) but for now, I will say
this: I have been around way too many
babies and couples to know that I do <b><u>NOT</u></b> want nor do I need a serious relationship in my life right now, let alone children. I am <b><u>NOT</u></b> mentally ready to give up my habitual
drinking lifestyle AND freedom in order to take care of a little me. I <b>LOVE</b> my nephews and niece more than myself,
but I also love that I can give them back when shit gets real. Maybe, I actually want to be that drunk aunt that fucks
up Christmas (just kidding, I liven that shit up!!!), maybe I can just start 2015 with a cat?! and truth be told - a girl's gotta eat and my no strings attached options? Not ready to give those up yet (</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">and yes, I just admitted that). Sorry, not sorry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Douglas
Adams said it best, “I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I
have ended up where I needed to be” … and I’ll tell you where that is Dougie: Most
certainly not in a hospital delivering a baby … but wherever it is, rest assured, there will selfishly be a drink in my hand.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDPxPg0CclDwgwDyt-c2k4DZi-doSTE_LqMnH6bKbFlo4XUYdQddfgy3-k6EgIeN_BupS6gAjbRWn5_MldMf4b-isTjcngvH03i5ItNoJENqm5QJTPprwViCuZamgmhMQmM5Z-hCsCQc0/s1600/Naty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDPxPg0CclDwgwDyt-c2k4DZi-doSTE_LqMnH6bKbFlo4XUYdQddfgy3-k6EgIeN_BupS6gAjbRWn5_MldMf4b-isTjcngvH03i5ItNoJENqm5QJTPprwViCuZamgmhMQmM5Z-hCsCQc0/s1600/Naty.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">Cheers
to 2015!!</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;">!</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-3522485734160381262014-10-27T13:42:00.000-07:002014-10-28T08:12:46.701-07:00Bathroom Love ...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRgky0OiVpjMl_nclgFWk3uf4zJCKsve7EqPVUoDPc17Qx2ukzr5xlEYND8QnNFRfd8_HyhqgJAv9ajut1z16nuM6y6T2Eh52DZMx6OkkXVT8bOtlfaoIt3OZePr7V5ujex-oIGT3eT8/s1600/Bathroom+Love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRgky0OiVpjMl_nclgFWk3uf4zJCKsve7EqPVUoDPc17Qx2ukzr5xlEYND8QnNFRfd8_HyhqgJAv9ajut1z16nuM6y6T2Eh52DZMx6OkkXVT8bOtlfaoIt3OZePr7V5ujex-oIGT3eT8/s1600/Bathroom+Love.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a></div>
Dear Kiko:<br />
<br />
We met by chance in a winsome little bar in Williamsburg on Saturday night. I was out with family for the night with no expectations of meeting ANYONE, so little that I had on my "I don't give a fuck I'm just going out for a beer or 4" outfit.<br />
<br />
... and then, I had to pee.<br />
<br />
As I walked down the stairs into a creepy dim-lit narrow hallway, there you were - standing - up against the wall. and all I could see was your back ... quite a handsome back if I do say so myself. <br />
<br />
I stood in line behind you patiently waiting my turn, but I had to pee soooooooooo bad. So, I gracefully tapped you on the shoulder and asked if each stall was for, "guys and girls or are these gender neutral". To which you replied, "I'm sorry doll, it's for both". Doll. DOLL. *swoons* ... and then you introduced yourself and stuck out your hand out to shake mine - like a true gentleman. Now, normally, because of all this Ebola hoopla and because we were on line of a not-so-clean bathroom, I wouldn't have touched you, but you were so you and you spoke to my soul when you said how much you loved wine and the vineyards, I just couldn't resist the urge to take your hand in mine.<br />
<br />
SIDE NOTE to my readers: He washed his hands and even dried them properly with 2 paper towels and disposed of said paper towels in the appropriate receptacle and not on the floor.<br />
<br />
You asked for my number and I left the bar shortly thereafter.<br />
<br />
You haven't yet called.<br />
<br />
Kiko, did I offend you in any way by the bathroom? I'm sorry I stared at you while you engaged in your act of cleanliness. Did I look too sweaty? It was just so hot in that damn bar - I mean who puts on heat this time of year!?! It hasn't even reached the mid-40's yet! We were so inappropriately close to each other on that line, was my breath smelling too hoppy!?!? I usually have gum on me (I'm always so conscious about these things), but what can you really fit into a wristlet?<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll hear from you, but if I never do ... I hope you continue to chase your dreams with your sexy 'stache and a wine glass in your clean, urine free hands.<br />
<br />
Until next time ...NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-67986243034393688762014-10-14T08:06:00.000-07:002014-10-14T09:04:02.494-07:00That Moment In My Life Where I Channeled Oprah ...<a href="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSmj5p-ZxpzZ8GiNFOaOpZycgOWw8IYqEsYKlyJIjVg1hsXyQ3q" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSmj5p-ZxpzZ8GiNFOaOpZycgOWw8IYqEsYKlyJIjVg1hsXyQ3q" width="320" /></a><br />
You have to forgive me, it's been almost 10 months since I last blogged about ANYTHING at all. I have to be honest, we were a little preoccupied with a little something called a relationship (and by we, I mean my vagina and I) - consistency is nice, I must say.<br />
<br />
<br />
Any who ... I spend the first half of the year in a relationship with <a href="http://smilies727.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-day-i-gave-good-guy-chance.html">that good guy that I took a chance on</a>. SPOILER ALERT: It didn't workout - and that's okay. There really isn't much to say about it - Life brought someone into my life for a reason and took him out of my life for a reason.<br />
<br />
Through every break-up or whatever relationship bullshit I've dealt with in my life I always tend to walk away looking and feeling like that moment when your DVR decided NOT to record the last 10 mins of the season finale cliffhanger of your favorite show. This time though, it was different ...<br />
<br />
Just after the relationship ended, for about a day or two I had <i>that</i> moment. My Pepa patiently sat on the phone with me, for about an hour, and just listened while I bawled my eyes out. I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of the things I did wrong in the relationship and why at 32 years old, I had failed as a woman and couldn't even make ONE relationship work ... then @ 7am when I woke up for work, it happened. At some point during the night of trauma, I had gone to bed a broken woman and woke up as Oprah.<br />
<br />
It was a beautiful moment for me. I wasn't sad or hurt, I felt empowered. I had finally realized the beauty of being in a relationship in my 30's. I knew what it was I wanted in life and I stood up for the things I believed in. And while no one is ever perfect, I knew in my heart that I was never anything less than a good woman to this person. Unfortunately, I was never able to make them happy, but I'll tell you what I was able to do, tell them to go fuck themselves for treating me as if I was a worthless piece of shit. I never used those exact words - I am a lady after-all and sometimes we just have to suppress that language and #keepitclassy, ladies.<br />
<br />
"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us" - Emery Allen<br />
<br />
Not long after the break-up I stumbled upon this quote and of course, it made perfectly good sense. Not everything is meant to be ever-lasting and this person walked into my life to teach me that I DO love myself, enough to respect myself and know that it was time to walk away and for that I thank you and I wish you all the best.<br />
<br />
YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF - EVERYYYBODYYYY CAN FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!! <3<br />
<br />
Until next time ... NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-4416064095083266522014-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:002014-01-21T07:47:31.128-08:00The Day I Gave a Good Guy a Chance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3HyPj0lNPBCLm0RGXtNW1zBPkw6sicH2yHzx3iN6nUL7i91z4XoyA0ZJ-mVDb1BfsiI9sflJBriI9MHDfLgOf6k14s10OJKSUVV_4OGTIsY5COEKffhjFVsx5FjWfNqw8i8fHFs461S0/s1600/BadBoys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3HyPj0lNPBCLm0RGXtNW1zBPkw6sicH2yHzx3iN6nUL7i91z4XoyA0ZJ-mVDb1BfsiI9sflJBriI9MHDfLgOf6k14s10OJKSUVV_4OGTIsY5COEKffhjFVsx5FjWfNqw8i8fHFs461S0/s1600/BadBoys.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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</xml><![endif]-->If I could go back in time and speak to my 14 year old self, I wouldn't. Actually, I would most likely slap the rose-colored glasses off her face and tell her that, "These are the names of the boys you must stay away from!!!", because unfortunately, I've spent a major part of my life chasing after the bad boy. Yes. SEVENTEEN years of poor decisions, endless heartbreaks and
unnecessary drama, to be exact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
no one to blame here but myself, because I should have outgrown that phase at
least 5 years ago … but really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who can
resist spontaneity, those badass tattoos, a rap sheet and all that mystery? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*swoons and drops panties*</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There will come a day in your life when you will finally
grow up and give a good guy a chance - when tattoos and mystery and motorcycles <i>AND </i>danger will no longer do it for you and that day for me was January 4, 2014.<br />
<br />
... And while this
was simply a first date with a perfect stranger, I was still able to walk
away a changed person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knew that in
one date, I could learn some life-altering lessons?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless of what happens here, the point is
that I am <i>FINALLY </i>traveling down the right path and I am one step closer to
where I need to be.<br />
<br />
While some of these may be the simplest of life lessons we
learn at an early age, for some of us, the same mistakes have to
repeat themselves until we finally get the point! With that said ...<br />
<br />
The day I gave a good guy a chance, was the day that I
learned:<br />
1. We all have to grow up sometime … even at 31 =)<br />
2. You can’t save a bad boy and try and make him
good – the damage has already been done (and they must save themselves first)<br />
3. Bad boys are just that … BOYS<br />
4. And a good family instills values and raises a
MAN<br />
5. Chivalry still exists, even if you weren’t born
in the 1950’s<br />
6. "Bad Boys are no good and good guys are no fun". FALSE: Not all good guys are boring - they still have a little mystery of their own and that is sexy as hell!!!<br />
7. A solid, deep conversation with a man can actually drive a woman wild<br />
8. My value and worth as a lady and human being<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><br />
9. You don't need to find the person that is better for you, you need to find the one that makes you
want to become a better person.<br />
10.My
personality is awesome and although it might scare some guys away … nope … My
personality is awesome and guys that can’t handle it are just P*$$!*$.<br />
<br />
The day I gave a good guy a chance … was the day that I was finally able to let go <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">of my past and my life finally began falling into place.</span></div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-51546578037443542142013-12-13T13:05:00.000-08:002013-12-16T12:38:38.785-08:00The 5 Most Important Guys That Have Helped Shape My Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s that very special and important
time of the year: The end of 2013.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
want to thank everyone that has been by my side this past year, especially
emotionally. We all know I’ve been a little difficult to handle, but alas
now y’all get to forgive me for all the wrongs I’ve committed. Aside from
good friends, I think I need to take a moment to reflect on the people (my
exes) that have had their hand in making me the person that I am today. I
feel like sometimes they don’t get the credit that they deserve …</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1.
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mr. I’m The Man and You Are My
Subordinate Wife.</b> He was special … but in that Ike Turner kind of way;
pretty much my first serious boyfriend. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was 18 (young and dumb), and I <i>REALLY</i>
thought that this was love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though
he wasn’t “my first”, he definitely unleashed the little sex kitten that had
been lying dormant within me (thank you for making my sex life as amazing as it
has been).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that aspect, I learned A
LOT from him – but it ends there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
changed who I was for this guy and even gave up my friends to make him
happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m embarrassed to mention
everything else that took place in that relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of it all, no one was happy
because my loneliness and misery lead to his misery, which then led to a series
of ugly and dangerous fights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the
epitome of what a controlling, male-chauvinist is … I’m surprised he never
tried to cut off my clit and toss it into a bucket.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> 2. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mr. Love of My Life.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the rebound that lasted 6 years
that took me 3 years to get over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
immediately began dating him after No.1 – like literally – like 2 weeks
after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could write a 400 page article
about Mr. Love of My Life, but I promise to keep it under 400 words instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We broke up because we had to, not because we
wanted to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m about to get corny in 3 …
2 … 1 … Our love was once like a beautiful flower that eventually began to
slowly wilt away (You’re welcome Shakespeare).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I learned from Mr. Love of My Life what is to truly love with your
heart, body and soul: That head-over-heels, dizzy, sick-to-your-stomach, no
one-else-exists, heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-chest, natural-head rush-high,
walk-on-hot-coals-for-you kind of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He and I had a connection that I had never felt with anyone before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He did show me kindness, emotional support,
sincerity and A LOT of love and how to enjoy life but he also had his issues
and insecurities. He had a lot of growing up to do and eventually, the
possibility of a future with him slowly began to dissipate. The bad boy
that was good just for me and I will always love him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">3. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mr. Friend with Benefits</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although married, we developed a great friendship
and one day, things just went straight to the next level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not something that I am proud of
y'all, but it was also something that was never planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We seriously were just friends – believe it
or not, and really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I the ONLY girl
that has ever been in this situation? So no judging, please!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the <s>penis</s> rock that I leaned on
after my break-up with Mr. Love of My Life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If there's anything I learned from this one it's that just because
a guy is married, doesn’t mean he won’t cheat on his wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Call me naïve, but had it not been for that
little sexcapade, I would have never thought otherwise. Additionally,
I learned that I am capable of having meaningless sex … I think this is a
great thing when you are single and in your prime sexual age! I’m just
saying, it helps to be a robot sometimes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mr. Almost Became My Husband. </b>I
hate talking about this one, probably because I still feel guilty about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was engaged to the best and nicest guy I
have ever met and dated (until I meet my husband, of course!) … and then I left
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is the guy that every girl
wishes she could meet and marry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A knight
in shining armor from a fairytale – that was him … and of course, I was never
able to love him the way he loved me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
went to therapy for leaving this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was at a weird place in my life when we met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was everything that Mr. Love of My Life wasn’t and I truly thought
that I wanted to settle down … but it’s hard to keep a wild bird caged, when
all they want to do is fly freely (spoken like a poetic Jesus, I know).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned from him that there are still
thousands of things I want to explore and do before I’m married with children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that marriage and children are bad
things, but I am not ready for that life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m 95% positive that had we gotten married then, we would be divorced
by now. I don’t know if in the future I will ever regret my decision to
have left him, but I do know that I wasn’t happy in that relationship and not
listening to your heart can be your biggest regret of all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">5. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mr. Accidental Heart-Breaker. </b> This
was a VERY brief but very important occurrence in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t say that this guy is 100% entirely at
fault for our demise; however, sometimes it’s just easier to point a
finger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think we ever got off on
the right foot to begin with and we just never managed to balance out
thereafter, which makes me believe that perhaps we weren't meant to meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I can no longer stand this guy, I
have no choice but to deal with the fact that I have to see him the rest of my
life because of mutual friends who happen to be my family. The
reason why he made the cut on this list is simply because after the past five
years (and all the bullshit and ups and downs), he was the first and only guy
after Mr. Love of My Life that I actually felt a connection with. I
don’t know what it was about him, but I felt myself falling for him - I know,
crazy. I learned from him that there is hope; that even after all the
heartbreaks and disappointments I still had some love in my heart and even
being in my 30’s, love has not yet left my side.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">HAPPY NEW YEAR
EVERYBODY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">May 2014 bring you great health, an
overabundance of happiness and an overindulgence of love!</span></div>
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<![endif]-->NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-3489989326007728712013-11-20T11:08:00.001-08:002013-11-20T13:31:51.007-08:00We'll Just Call This One: Dominican Papi<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeTWTE_n4yQOuk9owTmwB9S6ssMjtN8s-i8U9_qKWBIl3pcZDuGrtRxq_yLHxL8AEZaC98-TIp2wf6OSMvAlkMPFMoIIzb-E6moNDrMJziMj3UmJsefweWMgF3UYRXg9W6a50YiR-euM/s1600/Date.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeTWTE_n4yQOuk9owTmwB9S6ssMjtN8s-i8U9_qKWBIl3pcZDuGrtRxq_yLHxL8AEZaC98-TIp2wf6OSMvAlkMPFMoIIzb-E6moNDrMJziMj3UmJsefweWMgF3UYRXg9W6a50YiR-euM/s1600/Date.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">Just when I thought I had broken free of my bad luck in dating, life decided to throw one more disaster my way ... <i>sneaky, sneaky</i>!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">So, without further ado, let me tell y'all a little story about this past Saturday night ...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">Finally, after a couple of months, I had a date! Yay!!! Earlier last week, whilst attending a ladies' night/karaoke/happy hour (talk about a trifecta of pure awesomeness) with some friends, I met a guy - a really cute guy - we'll just call this one: Dominican Papi. We started out by innocently eye fucking each other from across the bar, then talking, then exchanging numbers, then having some shots and beers, which eventually led to us making out in a desolate corner of the bar towards the end of the night ... I know what y'all are thinking: #swag</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">And so, we continued speaking everyday (morning, noon and night), for the next couple of days and agreed to hang out that Saturday night. So far, so good. Although there were never any specific plans set, we both agreed to meet in the city and see "where the night takes us" or in Dominican Papi's words, "let's meet up, walk around and if you get hungry, we eat; if you get thirsty, we drink" ... <b>red flag numero uno</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><b>Red flag numero dos</b>: Initial meet-up time was supposed to be 9pm, which at 7:30pm, Dominican Papi called and changed it to 9:30pm - I said fine. At 8:30pm, Dominican Papi called to tell me that he "had been in traffic", which I later found out meant, "I can't leave my house until I put the wife and kids to bed" (but please - let's not put the cart before the horse here) and so we agreed to meet up at 10pm ... and so 10pm came and I parked my car and patiently waited for him to arrive ... 10:05pm - nothing. At 10:15pm, I decided to give him a ring and check on his ETA - no answer. By 10:20pm, I was getting a little nervous and just when I assumed that I had gotten stood up, HE CALLED ... to tell me that he was fucking running late!!! What. the fuck. He finally made it at 10:45pm - mother fucker.</span><br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">Now, I'm not a super high maintenance kind of girl, but I do like my nice things. When it comes to dating, there are things that I am willing to overlook (and for those of you that are easily offended, please read no further), but <b>RED-FLAG number 3</b>: if you are going to pick me up in your 1990 Honda Civic "hooptie edition" - just don't. I'd rather just pick <i>you</i> up. But <i>if </i>you are going to pick me up in that car, have the fucking decency to <b>RED-FLAG number 4</b>: hide the TWO (yes: not one, but two; as in DOS; as in 2 little infant seats; as in the roman numeral II; as in a double whammy) baby seats you had chilling in the backseat. Forgive me for getting ahead of myself - what was I thinking? Of course, he couldn't pack away the kiddie seats! There wasn't any room in the trunk with the $3000 system he had invested in his car ... I can't! If there is anything I learned from Dominican Papi, it was: Priorities. It's all about priorities, people!</span><br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">Despite the fact that his car looked like it was being held together by a wire, </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">I decided to give him the benefit of a doubt </span></span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">(all I heard in my head was my mother's voice saying: Stop being so god damn picky)</span> and I got in</span>. Oh, and a little side note here: I already knew he had kids, because at the bar one of the first things we had asked <b>each other</b> was, 1. Are you single and 2. Do you have any kids. AND he wasn't wearing a wedding band - just saying! I can deal with the kids, but really, bro? Leave the fucking car seats at home. </span><br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">I was already upset because he was 45 minutes late, which didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, but I didn't want to continue beating a dead horse so I decided to let the tardiness slide ... for now. It wasn't until about 20 minutes into our drive that we decided to have a normal conversation. We revisited the events that transpired over the course of that Wednesday night, laughed about the crazy karaoke singing and then it happened. He asked why, "such a pretty girl is single". I answered his question as honestly as possible and then decided to ask him AGAIN if he was single, he said "well no, not really", so I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he answered me by saying, "No. I don't have a girlfriend" and jokingly I replied with, "Ohhh ok so you have a wife!" ... and without skipping a beat, he said YES. And that's when I punched him in the face. Just kidding, I still needed a ride back to my car - we were somewhere in Brooklyn for God's sake!!!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">I gave him five minutes to explain why he was a douche. I asked him to drive me back to my car and endured what was the longest, bass pumpin', but-at-the-same-time awkwardly silent, 25 minute drive back to Conan O'Brien (not the celebrity; that's what I named my car). As I got out of his car, I went to close the door and he leaned over and said, "No! No! Let me close it ... I don't want it to fall". Sweet Jesus in heaven.</span><br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;">The Struggle continues ...</span>NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-26060027898686005632013-10-29T12:30:00.000-07:002013-10-29T12:30:44.998-07:00... and This is Why You Can Suck It<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve had no choice but to accept that I am in my early thirties, that I AM single and
that I will probably be single for a little while longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Romance?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A relationship?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These things are just not in the cards for me
right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I get sad about that?
Sometimes – I mean I am, after all, a girl with a vagina and feelings and
like once a month I sit at home … on a Saturday night … in my ex’s over-sized
pajama pants … watching The Notebook and eating a bag of Reese’s peanut butter
cups and washing them down with a bottle of Riesling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That <i>IS </i>normal, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, I have learned to accept and become OK with this ...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What I am not OK with is THIS:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Miserable Mary's:</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Listen up y’all; STOP ruining it
for people like me!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I understand
that being married is a tough job and it requires A LOT of love, work and
patience, I still can’t wait to get married!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And maybe 20 years from now I will not agree with my previous statement,
but the truth is I want to experience that life, too, so please stop telling me that marriage sucks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span> Just because you are miserable
in your current situation and you chose to settle, does not mean that I will be
traveling down the same path as you. Maybe
the fact that I haven’t gotten married yet is a good thing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe because I’m going to get married later
in life, my chances of divorce will significantly plummet. Don’t try and make me miserable with you – take up a fucking hobby and go be miserable by yourself. I have my own issues to worry about and I don't have time for yours.<b><br /></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Negative
Nancy’s:</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> OK ... I will admit that I am guilty of guy
bashing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, that little
bitch called life has thrown some real winners my way, which at one point had
me disgusted with guys and made me even question if I was better off as a lesbian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although there are certain guys that I still
want to hit with my car and then go into reverse again … just to make sure - the truth
is, I love guys!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am boy crazy and I
love going out and meeting a new potential friend? Fuck buddy? Activity
partner? Future whatever?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I have
learned is that men AND women alike, are only as good as the person they are
seeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not all guys are assholes, sometimes they just engage in asshole behavior. "Sometimes, you attract the lifestyle you live", I read that quote once and I couldn't agree with it more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Perhaps, the guys I’ve been
meeting are not “bad” guys; they just haven’t been good for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the right girl, these “assholes” will be
the knight in shining armor that they’ve been waiting for their entire
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe people meet under false
pretenses and a potential relationship is just doomed from the start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps, we get confused and start looking for the wrong things (that we THINK we want)
in people OR maybe we are looking for the RIGHT things in the WRONG
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless of the situation, it
is not right to dog someone out or judge them. Life happens; shit happens –
let it go and move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, us girls
aren’t perfect either – I’m sure there are a few guys out there that <a href="http://draft.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>want to stab us in the eye with a spoon (yes, a spoon - I assume it would hurt more).</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Saviors:</b> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Alllllllriiiiight folks, I don't even know where to begin with this ... </span>These are the people
that feel sorry for you and </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">look at you like you're a helpless puppy that is about to be Euthanized</span> and so they feel the need to save you from being single by setting you up with the person that is not right for you in any way, shape or form. Although I do thank you for <i>"looking out"</i>, the truth is I don't wish to be saved. First things first,
stop asking me, "Why are you single?” I don't know why I'm single - Why are
you an annoying dick? These are just questions that we may never have the answers
to ... aaaaand just to <i>TRY</i> and answer your question, maybe I'm single because I don't want to get hurt again; maybe I'm single because I haven't met that ONE person whose shit I want to deal with for the rest of my life; maybe I'm single because I haven't met anyone that can handle my kind of crazy or perhaps ... and hold on to your panties for this one ... perhaps, I'm single because it can be pretty awesome and I just choose to be! There is nothing wrong with being single, stop looking at me like I have an incurable disease. Sure, at times, I might get lonely and I might feel like the 3rd wheel when I'm
with my coupled/married friends, but a relationship doesn't necessarily eliminate the feeling of loneliness; being happy and complete with oneself does that. BOOM!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
I want you all to know that just because I have not met my other half, it does not mean that I am not happy and living life. I have my moments, but who doesn't? I have
been waiting for a loooooooooooong time to meet my future husband; my patience is starting to wear thin - but I will keep on waiting! I imagine him
being the cop that pulls me over for speeding or perhaps the mail courier guy that
delivers packages (not <i>his</i> package, of course) to my office or maybe the guy
that is at the Laundromat on a Sunday night ... haha just kidding - I don't do
laundry, I drop that shit off! Either way, don't you worry, I'll be just fine ... and this is why you can suck it!</span></div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-10780824038445299022013-09-20T14:01:00.002-07:002013-09-23T09:27:32.646-07:00Why Guys Should Just Stick To Playing Video Games<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAVZ8HusnECmv68aZhxx9toFdaG7fP_XZI1ojHAT1eMTCAAAJevB81wt32UbCjCiPcCsFYvCs9JJ5Qq4BVIgH3GbpwkY11PHsm12yBuFRd12SSj35f0xx8rV6KW8FlFrl2T19C1RnbcOY/s1600/pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAVZ8HusnECmv68aZhxx9toFdaG7fP_XZI1ojHAT1eMTCAAAJevB81wt32UbCjCiPcCsFYvCs9JJ5Qq4BVIgH3GbpwkY11PHsm12yBuFRd12SSj35f0xx8rV6KW8FlFrl2T19C1RnbcOY/s400/pic.jpg" width="297" /></a></div>
Apparently, Eros (the God of love) took a break from his
hard life of wooing women to enlighten all of us with his judgmental, biased,
double standard, male-chauvinist point of view and when I say Eros I mean Preston Waters, the guy that wrote a gem of an article titled, <a href="http://elitedaily.com/dating/gentlemen/good-girls-unicorns/">“Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns”</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The writer actually makes ONE valid point in stating that,
“We live in a world where sex has lost its value … and women have changed
drastically and are living in the moment and having fun”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, just because women have become more
open with their sexuality and have become more carefree and independent, that
does not mean that we are no longer good people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me, that simply means that we are more
aware and in control of our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
fact, I’m going to push the envelope a little further here and say that I find
the writer of the article to be a coward that feels threatened by how sexually
empowered women have become because he probably isn’t man enough to handle
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get me wrong, I am one that
still believes in chivalry, but I’m taking this opportunity to make my life the best one I’ve ever had and if that means sleeping with a few
frogs before I find my Prince well so be it, because if you can have fun, I
can too.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“For men it’s great that these women have decided to become
just like us” – but at the same time you are arguing that good women are now
unicorns. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me explain something,
women did not just wake up one morning and decide to act like men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People (both male AND female) have been
engaging in sexual acts, of all kinds, with one another since Babylonian times,
but through the ages the taboo has slowly been lifted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does it bother you that women can now play
the same game probably better than you ever could?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr. Waters goes on to state that women are now
more independent and that we should definitely encourage that independence, but
in the following paragraph states how we are now thirsty for attention and then
something about drugs and cocaine and being easy and that no one stays hot
forever and just a slew of uncorrelated garbage that I am STILL trying to
digest. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Men are to blame for this as
well, but that is because we are idiots” … discussion closed.</div>
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Mr. Waters let me tell you something about us girls: we are all
good, but like any other human being in this world we, at times, make bad
decisions … like when these poor girls decided to sleep with you, but those bad
decisions don’t make us a bad person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Since when did it become your right to judge others on their sexual
activity?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone has a past filled
with good and bad decisions, but the only person that has to deal with the
consequences of those decisions is the actual person making those
decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are too quick to judge
someone for being too prudish or too promiscuous, but who cares.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One is not better than the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since when did having sex make you a bad
person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what if someone has had a lot
more than one sexual partner in their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Does that take away from the fact that they are a good person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this time I thought a good girl was
someone that: helps take care of their family; is generous (in every way); is
smart and educated and hard-working, never hurt anyone in any way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always thought that good girls are those
that: are there for you when no one else is; don’t ask for anything in return –
they just give; will support you though the good and the bad; respect their man
and cook for them and clean for them and take care of them because that is what
you do when you love someone - I thought those were the qualities that made girls
unicorns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guys run around having sex
with half the world until they meet that one girl that does it for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does that mean that they are a bad person?
NO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just means that they finally
found the one; the one that showed them that they will never need anyone else …
The good girl that was meant for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Quite frankly, how exactly do you expect to meet a sheep if you keep
rolling around in the mud with a bunch of pigs?.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My favorite part of this article was this particular
paragraph:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The truth of the matter nowadays is that good girls, as we
like to call them, don’t really exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are unicorns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are lucky
if you come across one that is actually who she says she is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We sometimes even joke that our future wives
are currently in Kindergarten because it is comforting to know that she is
currently playing with blocks and not swinging from dick to dick because they
sell her a good enough story and when she’s 18 we’ll snap her right up and
she’ll have no exposure to being a slut”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First of all, you sound like an insecure, narcissistic pedophile and for
your information, what you just described is a kidnapping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of God do you think you are that
feel you are entitled to some kind of untainted virgin while you are out
running around poking and prodding every hole you come across!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let me just say this, if you plan on
landing yourself a hot little 18 year old, your name better be Hugh Hefner and
you better have 10 million in the bank because your looks won’t last forever,
as you mentioned earlier … I’m sure no 18 year old is going to jump at the
opportunity to change your dirty diaper when you’re too old to do it
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good luck with that … let me
know how it works out for you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
So remember ladies, while your future husband is out there
living it up bachelor style don’t forget to strap on that chastity belt nice
and tight … oh, and while you’re at it, don’t forget that Bible (you are going
to need it if you want your future husband to find you) … but wait a minute
ladies, don’t get too excited just yet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>According to Mr. Waters, your husband will eventually leave you (out of boredom) for
the whore that wasn’t good enough to marry in the first place … at this rate,
I’m not even sure whether to keep my legs opened or close them back up … This is a tough
call y’all.</div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-51416411959708372152013-08-09T12:32:00.001-07:002013-08-09T14:30:32.079-07:00Shit Girls Talk About: MUST-HAVES (If you get offended easily - don't
bother reading)Upon the many conversations I've had with my girlfriends, I started realizing that as women, we sometimes make impossible requests. There are certain things that we NEED and WANT, but of course, like everything else in the world - you can't have it all. I may be wrong (and by all means I am open to ALL suggestions), but here is a list of the must-haves (that I thought were reasonable) that are of no contest when it comes to dating us:<br>
<br>
1. You must have a job<br>
2. You don't have to be super hot, just be charming<br>
3. You just have to be well groomed and clean! Smelling like you just rubbed a turd all over your body and your teeth is not acceptable. Handle that - and while you are at it, take care of that smile!!!<br>
4. Please dress decent. You don't need to look like you walked off GQ (although that wouldn't hurt), but don't look sloppy - and please! No Ed Hardy shirts and "popped collars"<span style="background-color: red;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red;"></span></span></span><br>
5. You must have a job (yes I said it twice. It's that important) ... We don't care what that job is (just kidding, we do care. Being a cashier at Target will not cut it), we just need to know that there is stability, a decent pay, benefits and STABILITY<br>
6. Stay away from the law. Period.<br>
7. Make us laugh. Like seriously we love to laugh<br>
8. Sporadic foot massages - they will get you far<br>
9. You don't have to be Bobby Flay, but know how to fry up some eggs; toast up some bread; cook up some rice; throw some lemon on a tomato - bitches love shit like that.<br>
10. BYOR (Bring Your Own Razor) don't be afraid and at times, give us a hand down there - After all, the poon is just for you<br>
11. Must be a man of integrity. If you say you'll do something, just do it.<br>
12. <b>HONESTY!!!</b> Don't be a liar and if you are going to lie, learn to do it RIGHT, because I WILL catch you (we are always one step ahead), make your life hell and kill you ... OK, I won't kill you, but I might pull out a knife on you ... as a scare tactic<br>
13. <b>BE FUCKING FAITHFUL (please see No. 12)!!!</b> If you choose me - please only be with me. Learn to keep your dick in your pants or I will cut it off. JUST KIDDING. If I cut off your dick, you are of no use to me<br>
14. You know how you dudes love a freak in the sheets? Well, we need you to know your way around too. Nobody has time to whip out a fucking map and a set of instructions. Learn ya' D game<br>
15. And yes .. I'm sorry fellas: along with good D game comes a nice size D!!! If you don't have it, we will talk about it and laugh about it and compare it to every single one we've ever seen. Chances are, it's just not gonna work out<br>
16. This is for one of my friends: Tall, Dark and Handsome. She is a fan of the chocolate ... and they aren't so bad ... just saying.<br>
17. Please don't be cocky and please don't be a cornball, every girl loves a challenge and some mystery<br>
18. Please be ambitious and get yourself a fucking job!!! PLEASE!!!! Just have a job.<br>
19. You know how you guys love blow-jobs? Well sometimes we like shoes or a nice leather bag or maybe some jewelry ... just saying<div>20. There should only be one of us, in the relationship, with a fucking vagina. Please leave your melo-dramatic, depressive, needy bullshit at the door. It's not welcome here</div><div>21. We will be true to you and support throughout everything and in turn let the chivalry come out. It's not 1950, but I still like to think that there is a gentleman in every one of you. It's in there ... Don't be shy. Let it out. <br>
22. Lastly, please love us unconditionally. We have to deal with your stupidity, so don't judge us for being a little crazy. Crazy can be exciting ... and who doesn't love a good adventure (that doesn't involve knives ... and restraining orders ... and the police)<br>
<br>
Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!<br>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRQmvXxa3yX31FfVrGHVIqPvirm5j5y_Rpd5MeXJx22M5gCPoyswsdOg7sr3utsO4SoouEz5aBu9MlO8U9covpUEV7d8ybmVUvSrJ4fEWM3pu84034KX_UOZxlxhV_-iOcBxjMArxO8C0/s1600/man-beard-holding-razor-22523353.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRQmvXxa3yX31FfVrGHVIqPvirm5j5y_Rpd5MeXJx22M5gCPoyswsdOg7sr3utsO4SoouEz5aBu9MlO8U9covpUEV7d8ybmVUvSrJ4fEWM3pu84034KX_UOZxlxhV_-iOcBxjMArxO8C0/s400/man-beard-holding-razor-22523353.jpg" width="400"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't forget that razor fellas!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br></div>NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-48965038369468525692013-08-01T12:55:00.000-07:002014-03-26T10:02:42.493-07:00Bitches Be Like ... 31 is the new 21 ... or so that's what I've convinced myself since a year ago when I turned 30.<br />
<br />
At first, it was difficult for me to accept that I was entering the third floor, but only because everyone around me was getting married, having a baby or just simple taking the next step into their relationship. I was surrounded by all these transitioning moments, except I wasn't transitioning into anything other than a single 30 year old and it was driving me crazy.<br />
<br />
... and so, my 31st birthday came and went and I enjoyed every single minute of it. I wish my 21st birthday would have been that awesome. The only thing I remember about my 21st birthday was a limousine filled with about 8 people and the fact that I couldn't even drink on my 21st birthday because I accidentally gave the bouncer at Webster Hall my fake ID that I had been carrying around for the past 5 years - I was sooo excited to be turning 21, that I totally forgot that I no longer had to lie about being 21 and it came to bite me in the ass. My friends spent that entire night sneaking me drinks!! Ugh, the irony. Anyway, my 31st birthday was amazing - I wouldn't change anything about it. My family spoiled me with amazing gifts and I had an amazing turnout for the night-time celebration! According to one of my friends, I, "walked out the club the way you should be walking out of a club on your birthday guurrrrl" - Quoted! The funny thing is, that I didn't walk out "the club", because my friends had to actually carry me out. It took 2 days for me to recover from that night. I said this before and I will say this again ... 31 is the new 21 unless an obscene amount of alcohol is involved and then 31 is just a 31 year old that can no longer handle liquor like a 21 year old".<br />
<br />
Although I know that there might be some negatives to getting older, here are the 10 reasons why I've enjoyed it thus far:<br />
1. I make more money and thankfully, I'm starting to enjoy that money<br />
2. I don't look older than 25 and when I still get asked for my ID - It makes MY FUCKING WEEK!!!<br />
3. My confidence is much higher now than it was in my 20's - I don't need to be cool to fit in and I sure as hell am not embarrassed to stay home on a Friday night alone. Um, can we say: PJ's, wine and movies!? It's DIVINE!!! <br />
4. I'm more experienced and mature now - I finally know what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it<br />
5. I no longer have to explain myself to anyone because I'm a really, really, really, young older person now and my decisions actually merit some value<br />
6. I love blasting the "old school" music I grew up listening to and I'm not embarrassed about it, because it's actually good music!!! *rolls eyes* fucking Justin Bieber (vomits)<br />
7. Older, creepy guys that like 20-somethings, don't hit on me anymore. Apparently, I have become a target for hot, young boys under 25!!! I've met more guys now then in my 20's and I'm lovin' every minute of it<br />
8. I still have a hot group of single girlfriends and we own it when we go out<br />
9. My vjay is my temple and the sex is great! There ... I said it.<br />
10. I'm fucking 31 - I'm NOT dead!!! I'm beautiful, young, ambitious, focused, amazing, in control of my life and I still have goals that I'm able to accomplish! I have so much to offer and I can't wait for the world to see it!!!<br />
<br />
The truth is, entering the third floor hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure, I have my moments, but don't we all? Life has never looked better. And so what if I'm not married yet or have kids? I may not be a wife yet, but I will be one day and for the right guy, I will be amazing! And I may not be a mom yet, but I'm the coolest and funniest auntie ever and I'm surrounded by some of the cutest, most beautiful nieces and nephews and god-kids that I could have ever asked for ... I get the best of both worlds without that added responsibility.<br />
<br />
Life is good - PARTY ON BITCHES!!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid4CW4nUau1nHvDlN9R7AaddfSzKzx61HFWXiT2eAM30p3qeRwuOX5XqE-aIfWkjFKEhGx5dNKFaue98gEEl29CVsOCTU2ur2KaTCMY00VAC4qHmDD0fdpbqghjoQmb_kOgdV0BCMhyphenhyphenRE/s1600/30+Something.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid4CW4nUau1nHvDlN9R7AaddfSzKzx61HFWXiT2eAM30p3qeRwuOX5XqE-aIfWkjFKEhGx5dNKFaue98gEEl29CVsOCTU2ur2KaTCMY00VAC4qHmDD0fdpbqghjoQmb_kOgdV0BCMhyphenhyphenRE/s320/30+Something.png" height="320" width="274" /></a></div>
<br />NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-1767416899975174832013-07-25T14:13:00.002-07:002013-07-26T06:47:21.354-07:00Salt N Pepa's Heeeaaaaaa<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Forrest Gump once said, "Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know
that ain't somethin' you can find just around the corner." <i>Please,
</i>excuse me while I grab some tissues ... Although this quote comes from a
fictional character with a low IQ, it makes me respect the quote that much
more. It's true. A best good friend isn't someone you come across
everyday. Like soul-mates, they come into your life and no matter what,
they will be around forever. I met my best good friend, when I was 10
years old, in a 5th grade class ... The birth of a beautiful friendship.
Pepa and I have been friends for over 20 years and in that time, we've been
through everything together and have only come across a handful of downs.
Besides family, I can't think of anyone else I've known longer. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BOOM! Haters gonna hate</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<br />
It wasn't too long ago that Pepa brought to my attention, the fact that as a
best friend I had been slacking. On the road to finding myself and my
happiness, I started to turn my back on my friends, Pepa included. It was
not something intentional on my behalf, but I was lost for a while and I just
needed a little bit of time to regroup. You know, with every blog I
write, I feel like I was really crazy at one point ... My God, no wonder I'm
still single ... And so, after some built-up tension, and a 3-day argument
it was agreed that Salt-N-Pepa needed an official "girls night out".<br />
<br />
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The night began like
any other night. I picked up my foxy little friend and off we went in the
Jetta and straight into the beautiful City that never sleeps. First
stop: </span><a href="http://www.thestandnyc.com/">The Stand</a> (thank you <a href="http://www.groupon.com/browse/new-york?z=skip">Groupon</a> for the show and drink tickets). I made sure we arrived EARLY so that the hostess could sit us at the very
front, because there is nothing better than attending a comedy show and getting
picked on by comedians. The comedic acts were great, the drinks were even
better and for the rest of the show, every comedian referred to us as the hot,
slutty, lesbian Latinas!!! That's right y'all, they said WE WERE HOT,
SLUTTY, LESBIAN LATINAS!!! Who am I to complain? I haven't received
a compliment that awesome in months - shit, I'll take what I can get.
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">With the comedy show
at an end and a bit tipsy at this point, we decided that maybe it would be best
to call it a night ... that is, until we were on our way home and drove past </span><a href="http://joshuatreebar.com/">our favorite little place</a>, <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">which just so
happened to have a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT, which then led to Pepa shouting
at me, "BITCH, you betta park this car!!!!!" Now, if that is
not Jesus giving us the green light to party, then I don't know what is ...
sometimes, you just have to learn to recognize the signs people. As we, <i>gracefully</i>,
walked our way up to the bar, guess who was working the door??? Yes,
that's right, another gift from Jesus: THE BOUNCER I had met from</span> <a href="http://www.smilies727.blogspot.com/2013/05/fight-night-with-jb.html">the horrible date I had with JB: the thigh molester</a>!!! This night was just getting better and better ... but with the good, comes
the bad and the rest of the night was spend with Pepa running away from a 22
year old, Justin Bieber looking Marine, me dancing with a random drunk guy and
at times flirting with and helping the Bouncer check for fake ID's and at one
point, Pepa and I constantly looking over our backs for the Russians that kept
inviting us back to their hotel room for a ... "party". Um,
some would refer to that as a gandbang or possible kidnapping. I've seen
Taken Part I and II - I can recognize danger.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8hlRijQ3qLXQvqyOL_67kakbg-_Q_tXQVfIgUdUgFK1lPX84aTlbodvTzSsCJy48b2pC45O3lKGSG_Nk7nbKkQ63hFz3WmCQYnVJR_sPSrIm1eukg-FdcsCHxKnZ6eiSfHCC_D7UYge0/s1600/SNP3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8hlRijQ3qLXQvqyOL_67kakbg-_Q_tXQVfIgUdUgFK1lPX84aTlbodvTzSsCJy48b2pC45O3lKGSG_Nk7nbKkQ63hFz3WmCQYnVJR_sPSrIm1eukg-FdcsCHxKnZ6eiSfHCC_D7UYge0/s320/SNP3.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Random Drunk Guy ... He was awesome</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Our night turned out
to be unexpected and fucking amazing as do most of our outings together ... and
what better way to end an amazing successful night than in a </span><a href="http://smilies727.blogspot.com/2013/05/feasting-in-brooklyn-on-friday.html">dimly lit parking lot of Taco Bell</a>, inhaling 3 mexi-melts after some quality drinking, which is detrimental to all the hard work I've been putting into the <a href="http://smilies727.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-biggest-loser-not-just-show-on-nbc.html">weight-loss competition</a> I joined, but really? When it comes to mending a once-in-a-lifetime friendship, there is no taco nor beer that can ever come between that!!!<br />
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<br />
I have many great friends, I love them all and I wouldn't trade them
for anything - but like my Pepa there is no other ... I don't know how to
explain it, there is just an unspoken bond that's there. Even though
there are people that will read that last statement and think I'm a weirdo, the
truth is I feel sorry for you, because I can only guess that you haven't found
your best good friend - and no, she is not someone that you can just find
around the corner; she is someone that you will find in your 5th grade class.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ahhhhhh Push It ... Push it real good!!!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
OH! and P.S. THE BOUNCER!?!? (insert a kool-aide smile and a big thumbs up in here)<br />
<br />
The Struggle Continues ... NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-87013050423218314072013-07-09T14:58:00.002-07:002013-07-10T09:25:52.409-07:00The Biggest Loser, Not Just a Show on NBC<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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A few months ago I experienced some sort of life
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you may know, I decided to
start writing a blog because of this <a href="http://smilies727.blogspot.com/2013/05/fight-night-with-jb.html">ONE HORRIBLE DATE</a> that I had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I blame my ego for assuming that I would be going on all these
dates and later writing about the experience, but writing a blog about bad dates only works when you
are going on bad dates - actually ... it only works when you are going on dates,
period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, I must be walking
around with leprosy … but then I said to myself, it can’t be
Leprosy, maybe I just need to get my ass into shape (because if one more person
tells me, “Wow, you are really pretty for a fat girl”, I swear I am going to
purchase a gun and shoot them in the face with it or maybe I’ll just tie them to a bed and shove fried chicken and cake down their throat), because THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT, ASSHOLE!!!
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcaWK223MXawRvEFu4UIEmoNDVqd7rdyIkj0o8lIn8aWgFCtm9wl0OFxh29-j25AAQVdBCmqdvpFMZiwAbrBuz_IRZbGqY_2Ebt9h5zpMXjvmIV70CC0zQ30KoherxBO_5f2ETRn_f9hA/s1600/Nat+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcaWK223MXawRvEFu4UIEmoNDVqd7rdyIkj0o8lIn8aWgFCtm9wl0OFxh29-j25AAQVdBCmqdvpFMZiwAbrBuz_IRZbGqY_2Ebt9h5zpMXjvmIV70CC0zQ30KoherxBO_5f2ETRn_f9hA/s320/Nat+7.jpg" width="234" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is me: Challenge weigh-in day and with the cash</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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I think I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can
remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not morbidly obese, but
throughout the years I’ve only managed to get bigger and I am no
longer in the healthy weight range.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
has taken me many, many years to accept this and to actually be semi “OK”
with the fact that I am a ... BBW.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said it, “I AM A BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN"!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will say this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My weight has never deterred me from living my
life (except for minor things like: jumping on a stripper pole or perhaps
wearing a mini dress in public or walking around in a bikini) nor has it affected
my romantic/sexual life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believe me when
I say: There is someone out there for everyone and there <i>are </i>men out there (even the hot,
model types) that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>LOVE</u></b>
a thick chick (don’t let them tell you otherwise - BECAUSE THEY ARE LYING!!!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, a majority of it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IS</i> personality and I can vouch for that – BELIEVE ME when I tell you that personality
goes a loooooong way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, one
day, I finally got a wake-up call and her name is: MY SISTER. Only a sister can destroy you with words and get away with it. Although I didn't speak to her for 3 days because of the things she said to me, I now thank her everyday because of the things she said to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s OK to be big and own it, but it’s not OK
to be big and unhealthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether or not
you accept yourself for whom you are is up to you, but deep down inside, no
matter how good I’ve gotten at hiding it, I was extremely unhappy and not to
mention lazy, tired and slowly killing myself – health wise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuuwPURrl5D5FdcpKwlXNI3vn5ojqwZGYYXt5cQGvO7hbs4JzLZbGKvlexQLcwRUPGq1NJvGmu9HL_UMZlgo4qgn0xHH3A4G_VYxLs6Sc0sLewEILMVeOV5R9_yJoP7QBVGyxGkViwM8/s1600/Nat+3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuuwPURrl5D5FdcpKwlXNI3vn5ojqwZGYYXt5cQGvO7hbs4JzLZbGKvlexQLcwRUPGq1NJvGmu9HL_UMZlgo4qgn0xHH3A4G_VYxLs6Sc0sLewEILMVeOV5R9_yJoP7QBVGyxGkViwM8/s320/Nat+3.PNG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm in it to win it, WHORES!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
… and so was born The Biggest Loser.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A group of us (12 friends including myself) decided that we
all needed to kick our fat in the ass and wave it goodbye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">July 1<sup>st</sup>,
the start of our new and improved life</b>. It’s unfortunate that it took $1,200.00, for me (or us) to realize that
I’m too fat and I need to lose weight, but FUCK. THAT. SHIT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If money is what it takes, then I’m in it to
win it!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This competition has brought
out the worst in us, personality-wise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Especially Frank (I got permission to put him on blast, FYI – he can’t
sue me), the mother-fucking troll who has spent the greater part of this competition
trying to sabotage our progress, by posting pictures of the most delicious treats and by delivering 3 dozen donuts to our houses. What. The FUCK, Who the fuck does that!?! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
What kind of human being does this!?! Who are these people that I once called friends? <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfk-vylXL2iXtzcyZbps9nz1Nce3L8s0Eh3fNoORX1YjORAKiYMa4F-c9eXAbtlUOjO6SepjuzehHWScrE7EyKDK6VD-D2h1zqbUBW6M4x51BS9xIyYX7nbGCZfrnZT49Aa6C0bcAcqEw/s1600/Nat+11.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfk-vylXL2iXtzcyZbps9nz1Nce3L8s0Eh3fNoORX1YjORAKiYMa4F-c9eXAbtlUOjO6SepjuzehHWScrE7EyKDK6VD-D2h1zqbUBW6M4x51BS9xIyYX7nbGCZfrnZT49Aa6C0bcAcqEw/s320/Nat+11.PNG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who does this!?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Just so you know, when I told my friend that I sprained my ankle, this was his response: <br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD2-eBK-yg6PjtlDoozD6i4Kwrsbm5qbFk1Fl6BfC5ntf87F8DOoFjEpgCSChES8aV6LQaeKEZXl60KUzod-qt-o0OK0AZ156cJBlglcvSOeIA3Br8sp6F05CBiS3ur5WN5oh76d1i3SE/s1600/Nat+9.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD2-eBK-yg6PjtlDoozD6i4Kwrsbm5qbFk1Fl6BfC5ntf87F8DOoFjEpgCSChES8aV6LQaeKEZXl60KUzod-qt-o0OK0AZ156cJBlglcvSOeIA3Br8sp6F05CBiS3ur5WN5oh76d1i3SE/s320/Nat+9.PNG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruthless Psychopath</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
</div>
<br />
It's only been one whole week and already, the claws have come out. This competition has turned into a fight to the finish. Apparently, this competition has also made me believe that I'm Flo Jo and that I'm competing in the 1988 Olympics, but obviously I'm not her because I managed to sprain my ankle last week, 2 DAYS INTO THIS FUCKING COMPETITION, while I was doing high-knees as if someone shoved a firecracker up my ass. I've been out of commission for the past week, but my diet has been stricter than ever ... well, except for Saturday when I went camping and decided to shove three hot dogs and a coca-cola down my throat, followed by an ice cone (YIKES!!!). One cheat day is OK, I read somewhere that cheat days help with your Leptin levels (often referred to as your starvation hormone - LOOK IT UP PEOPLE! This blog is not about the facts, it is about a fat people competition!!!).<br />
<br />
Anyway, I would like to end this blog on a positive note. I want to wish all my fellow competitors the best of luck for the next 60 days. Although we all secretly wish everyone else breaks a legs or gives in to a 5lb bowl on Fettuccine Alfredo, I'm sure deep down inside we all know that at the end of it all there will be no losers. It doesn't matter who gets to the finish line first, the point is that we will all get to the finish line - that right there is the real prize - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the money doesn't hurt either, haha!!!<br />
<br />
P.S. If anyone recognizes or sees this grimey mutha fucka, I think I speak for everyone in the competition when I say, "Beat him with a bat and then throw some fried chicken, ice cream and some buffalo wings at him - he LOVES those!!!".<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQ6UL7XFEz8WvkOBQDA-PDTVXlnGmcYu4QJKiHT1M7JOPzuG7Mu5s2aosHg_VUFmxxqG4A-ggZfhKt42TOX1_LjBdWgmil-7aK8ryVBEkLwjwVoUJ3G98k3UrvSCJppqBbN-Ud27b1wM/s1600/Nat+10.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQ6UL7XFEz8WvkOBQDA-PDTVXlnGmcYu4QJKiHT1M7JOPzuG7Mu5s2aosHg_VUFmxxqG4A-ggZfhKt42TOX1_LjBdWgmil-7aK8ryVBEkLwjwVoUJ3G98k3UrvSCJppqBbN-Ud27b1wM/s320/Nat+10.PNG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grimey Asian</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Good Luck y'all!!!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-43144117982556285212013-06-12T12:02:00.002-07:002013-06-12T12:09:54.517-07:00“Aaaalo Natalia?! … Es Mario!”<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-x7iSiKifTJXtQ8UgBldB1T8za38AKlXUraexnMgLYc36UZrRKYQsF1oqrSzWVsjTlBLqGUIgJyRaJDx3dmM0txZk4XsKirDwCmNrTOalokwOgKPdAI4NyRBJ2r_oI3LEFitg7HFlDo/s1600/Gremlins+-+Stripe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-x7iSiKifTJXtQ8UgBldB1T8za38AKlXUraexnMgLYc36UZrRKYQsF1oqrSzWVsjTlBLqGUIgJyRaJDx3dmM0txZk4XsKirDwCmNrTOalokwOgKPdAI4NyRBJ2r_oI3LEFitg7HFlDo/s320/Gremlins+-+Stripe.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Gremlin! The resemblance is uncanny, people!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seeing as to how it’s Daddy’s Day this weekend, I wanted to
write something a little different than my norm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to dedicate this entry to all
the Daddies of the world, especially to the one and only – my little Gremlin
(DISCLAIMER: I don’t own my own little gremlin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually, I used to call my Dad my little
Gremlin, because he always reminded me of a cute version of a little gremlin
from the 1984 classic: Gremlins).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyway, I dedicate this to him and all the Dads that stuck around; the
ones that busted their butts (without one complaint) to make sure we were OK;
the ones that actually gave a shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes, I feel like dads don’t get the credit they deserve – OH and
the soon-to-be Daddies – y’all are important too, unless you fuck it up and then
… well, you’re on your own!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPP4c_xt7xvUJ1qM8XdvFMFjjv1EEitciae1Lp4n5oFs4WYxsHcwYM1itHAnKvmj4R-7T-3MHeX8Rma4JP9I3vvCz1BCcuLt1YHHENxh3y2eAAR9ap2Q91EoKSqBxOt191rEzX-Gbg7g/s1600/Papi+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPP4c_xt7xvUJ1qM8XdvFMFjjv1EEitciae1Lp4n5oFs4WYxsHcwYM1itHAnKvmj4R-7T-3MHeX8Rma4JP9I3vvCz1BCcuLt1YHHENxh3y2eAAR9ap2Q91EoKSqBxOt191rEzX-Gbg7g/s320/Papi+2.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Dad everybody!!!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Because this blog has been my, sort of, “road to recovery”,
I feel like I am ready to write about this, so here goes. About one year and three months ago,
my Dad passed away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a death that
wasn’t so tragic, only because we knew it was coming, but really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What death isn’t tragic?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad was extremely sick for a very long
time so in a way, it was comforting to finally see him leave this world,
because there is nothing worse than watching someone you love dearly
deteriorate and suffer through a sloooow and painful death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, I don’t think it really matters
how someone dies because no matter how it happens, a little piece of you dies
with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There truly are no words that
can express the feeling – that void; the hole in your heart that just can’t
quite close itself back up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really can’t
find the words y'all ... losing someone you love is a terrible, terrible feeling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Death leaves a pain that will never go away; I just believe that we grow
accustomed to the pain over time.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not too long after his death, I began to notice a change in
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The once bubbly, outgoing and
funny girl slowly began to grow angry, bitter, and depressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t up until recently that I slowly
dragged my way out of the deep, dark hole that I had fallen into, face first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a while, I even grew angry towards my mom
and my sister because I felt that they bounced back so easily from his passing
and there I was, slowly sinking into a bed of quicksand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now understand that everyone deals with
death in their own way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately,
for a little while, it brought me to a dark place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hardest part for me is knowing that the (lucky) guy that actually chooses to spend the rest of his life with
me, will never know how awesome my Dad truly was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Dad will never be there to walk
me down the aisle and more unfortunate than anything else, I will never get the
father/daughter dance at my wedding that I have dreamed of my entire life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although he won’t be there for those special moments, I am forever grateful that he WAS there every single day of my life to
help raise me, care for me and to watch me grow up to be a beautiful (and I say
that in the least conceited way possible), hard-working, educated woman.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrkZ3iOX43DygGODV1bwk9WeBGwHEdC_o5_DTFxzu_a_O40O2Q_EgDWyENdN6AdLJFUExrmUfNWaExOivRguOGlOaThQi-DsywGwRp6Le0fGO6c6u0UfFBN6xwhmo_f4_jde7noBd1NiA/s1600/Papi+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrkZ3iOX43DygGODV1bwk9WeBGwHEdC_o5_DTFxzu_a_O40O2Q_EgDWyENdN6AdLJFUExrmUfNWaExOivRguOGlOaThQi-DsywGwRp6Le0fGO6c6u0UfFBN6xwhmo_f4_jde7noBd1NiA/s320/Papi+6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I might never have my father/daughter wedding dance, but I'll always have this</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My dad had a way about him that left an impact on everyone
who crossed his path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just his sense of
humor alone spoke volumes about him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t tell you how proud I feel when people tell me that I remind them of my
Dad through my sense of humor and personality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is such a great feeling and it never fails to bring a huge smile to
my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss everything about my
Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss how we would just sit there
and watch cartoons together (picture two grown adults zoned into a Bugs Bunny
cartoon).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss our daily afternoon
chats where he would tell me some crazy shit about his life; I mean stories
that you couldn’t even make up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss
his stupid, ridiculous and sometimes dirty jokes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss fighting with him about that fact
that, “I’m a party animal and if I continue drinking, I’m going to end up in rehab” – so he would
say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss his one-of-a-kind, savory
dishes that only HE could prepare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss
his advice, that no matter what my drama was, he would always end
it by saying, “You deserve the best and you should always do what makes YOU
happy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss how he would embarrass me
because he just had no shame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss
that deep, raspy voice of his, which was quite intimidating if you didn’t know
him very well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But … my absolute and
most favorite memories of my Dad have to be the voice mails that he would leave
me from time to time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because my Dad
came from an older generation, I don’t think he fully understood how voice mails
actually worked and so, they would go a little something like this:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
VM: Hi, you’ve reached Natalia I’m sorry I missed your
call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just leave your name, number and a
brief message and I’ll call you back”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dad: Haalo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Haaaalo!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Natalia?? Are you
there??? (pause) Hangs up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
****************</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
VM: Hi, you’ve reached Natalia (blah, blah, blah) I’ll call
you back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dad: Haaalo! HAAALOOOO! (pause and a sigh) This Goddamn kid
<b>(Um, you haven’t hung up Dad and that’s totally being recorded and I’ll be able
to hear it)</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five second pause and then
a sigh. Ok, call me …………… BYE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Es Mario
<b>(thanks for letting me know Dad)</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It makes me laugh just thinking about it.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnha6eXbJnOXRsluUaaHHDW49rLiWifud_aDlXqU9MXKi0Fqz4nKHxBn0RjW-F4Ja3ilLaaDvczQk3TovzW4-z3cj6e0ZaQ2AeSRBtN_oCTElk5fnXNH4_kNU1SdTEbzdYCqYyjJXi4s/s1600/Papi+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnha6eXbJnOXRsluUaaHHDW49rLiWifud_aDlXqU9MXKi0Fqz4nKHxBn0RjW-F4Ja3ilLaaDvczQk3TovzW4-z3cj6e0ZaQ2AeSRBtN_oCTElk5fnXNH4_kNU1SdTEbzdYCqYyjJXi4s/s320/Papi+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is him probably leaving someone a voice mail. *sighs*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, wherever you are Dad, I hope you have finally learned
how to correctly leave a voice message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Also, I want to thank you for providing us with a life filled with
happiness, laughter, love, and of course some of the best memories that I will
never forget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I truly hope that when I
do meet someone, he turns out to be even half the man that you were <b>(and maybe you
can help me out a little and start sending him my way)</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am especially thankful that I inherited my
two favorite things about you: Your gift of cooking and your sense of
humor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope to leave my mark on the world
with one laugh and one amazing dish at a time – I promise to never let you
down.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope you are having a hell of a Father’s Day … Until we
meet again my little Gremlin. <3</div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-83994775770905883992013-06-05T14:42:00.004-07:002013-06-06T12:03:37.639-07:00Welcome Back To Single-hood!!!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->One of <i>ma' ladies</i> is recently new to the single scene after a very bad break-up with her boyfriend of 5 years (and for the record, I got the OK from her to write about this). I will not go into details, but we can just say that he practically pulled the rug out from underneath her. I had the pleasure of going out with her this past weekend in order to pop her, “Welcome Back to Single-hood” cherry and try to get her mind off the situation – I mean, who
can say no to Mexican food and margaritas!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I could, I would make up a reason to celebrate ANYTHING, if it meant shoving a burrito down my throat and washing it down with some tequila! I am NOT getting paid to promote them, but I HIGHLY recommend: <a href="http://www.nyctacos.com/">Cascabel Taqueria</a><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Although there is not much that you can say to someone who's going through a break-up, I know one thing that's for sure: A break-up is never easy to deal with. It doesn't matter the situation,
how old you are or how many break-ups you've gone through - breakups fucking suck ... A LOT. We've all been there, at least once. I'm also sure that we've all had that <u><i><b>ONE</b></i></u> break-up that left us feeling like we were going to die from it. The only advice that I could give is: Take as much time as you need to cry it <i>AAAAAAAALL</i> out and once you are done crying, call me up so we can drink the pain away ... Did you survive that? GREAT!!! You are one step closer to the newer and better YOU. Even though it is easier said than done, you know what? I did it and I'm still here AND I'm still breathing and so is everyone else that (at one point in their lives) had to walk away from the person that they loved the most. My favorite part of all of this was when <i>ma' lady</i> asked me how long it took me to get over J1. My reply? 3 years. I think I saw her black out, for like a second. Hey ... everyone deals with breakups in their own way and at their own pace.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCkD7UwVoDSa9Ev8pZQgYIjaKjNrBz8c6R-3y7156pJSZzRyFU9-_mdQGP6_wwQVQNbuI5NV5yA3dicWSyC98Nctx4c24G610KqJ5PE1eC_l-d33QrSlNU7mIw38vIf-kqC8gEu-QTPs0/s1600/Cry+Face+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCkD7UwVoDSa9Ev8pZQgYIjaKjNrBz8c6R-3y7156pJSZzRyFU9-_mdQGP6_wwQVQNbuI5NV5yA3dicWSyC98Nctx4c24G610KqJ5PE1eC_l-d33QrSlNU7mIw38vIf-kqC8gEu-QTPs0/s320/Cry+Face+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think this is pretty accurate</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we all know (because I'm pretty loud about it), I am no stranger to the single life as I
have been single for a good 5 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t get me wrong, there have been a couple of long-runners in there (and I don't mean inside my vagina *Boom Boom Psssh*), but no one that I
truly considered serious enough to be a boyfriend … Ok, maybe there was one – OK FINE, I’ve been single for 3 years not 5,
people!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway y’all … I am no
stranger to the single life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the
past THREE years, I have been traveling down the 'singles' road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span> There have been some bumps and holes along
the way and sure enough I've had those moments where I've felt pretty lonely at times, but overall it’s been a great experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is something about being a party of one
that makes you feel empowered. The ability to do as you wish and to do who you
wish (winks), <b>IS AMAZING</b>!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I could be an advocate for the single life, the following points would be my mantra:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. A shitload of guy friends that I don't have to explain</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. I can eat what I want</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. I don't always have to shave and be on top of my game</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. I don't have to explain anything ... to anyone</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Slumber parties (yes, they still happen at 30 and they are that much better)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. I can eat what I want - that's right I said it twice</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. Sappy crying movies and not worrying about the puffy, red eyes that follow</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8. No relationship: worries/drama/trouble </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look at this y'all! I found an article that explains what we go through after a break-up. I found it very insightful! A definite MUST-READ: <a href="http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/816216/the-7-stages-of-a-break-up-1">Tristan Coopersmith: 7 Stages of a Breakup</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
It's so hard to walk away from the person that knows us better than we know ourselves; THAT person that your heart skips a beat for, but trust me when I say: sometimes it's just better to walk away. When you are at your most vulnerable, I know how much easier it would be to give in and take the person back (that has now severely fucked you over), but it would only be a temporary fix. Sure, you will have this happy high, but once that goes away what do you have then? And ask yourself this: could you, in your heart of hearts, truly ever trust this person again and believe in them? I think, sometimes we become so blinded in a relationship that we lose ourselves and we also lose sight of the future we had once hoped for. It then just becomes easier to settle with what we have, because we are just so comfortable in our current situation. That's not to say that relationships can't be fixed, because <b><i>some</i></b> relationships have that potential. It's just a matter of realizing and accepting that often times, the fixing is impossible and you <b>HAVE TO</b> walk away with your dignity and just let it go. It took a 6 year relationship + 3 years of healing for me to learn that.<br />
<br />
Despite all the ups and downs and my terrible dating record, right NOW is the happiest I've ever been. I know <i>ma' lady</i> doesn't feel the same way that I do at this particular moment, but one day she is going to wake up feeling as if the bag of bricks have finally been lifted off her chest. Besides, she has so much to look forward to now: Free dinners, wild nights, much-needed alone time AND an entire world of JB's and Lingerers and other freaks that are waiting to get their hands on her and send her running in the opposite direction. But don't worry, because life has a way of working itself out (someone once told me that) and while it's doing just that, I will be here: to listen to your stories, to get you disgustingly drunk and to support you every step of the way because you are NOT alone! I promise, it will only get better - Welcome to single-hood Doll!!!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTgJOmEaSOlR9R6Np_nJUhZTeIS652PXE1ol_4KIa8hmRwHqRqON7acsLmqI6J96WJ3mhpANVnLjn6TP-hTyc9nPVfZkDKWGXJuVXLTz5Ys-FSdU32G0wjaYEDctufLN93IfWSX-wEQVA/s1600/Cheers.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTgJOmEaSOlR9R6Np_nJUhZTeIS652PXE1ol_4KIa8hmRwHqRqON7acsLmqI6J96WJ3mhpANVnLjn6TP-hTyc9nPVfZkDKWGXJuVXLTz5Ys-FSdU32G0wjaYEDctufLN93IfWSX-wEQVA/s320/Cheers.gif" width="248" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CHEERS!!!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-43440545438201830932013-05-30T11:46:00.002-07:002013-05-31T08:54:42.569-07:005 Things I've Learned From My Lingerer ...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVLf4F-TVIvb1Cjq0LyMBgEhjL0-gwCw1Y8U_-_Jf8nUm2Hh1p6YYiH-VvD_ipLeO1Vvv3Kt47kcpweppfI0_y9h43XR3Xrc_K2Zbkf31WiCO_i1rEEvMI9JU6naYLpVeL0Q5iT0mAgyI/s1600/Phil1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVLf4F-TVIvb1Cjq0LyMBgEhjL0-gwCw1Y8U_-_Jf8nUm2Hh1p6YYiH-VvD_ipLeO1Vvv3Kt47kcpweppfI0_y9h43XR3Xrc_K2Zbkf31WiCO_i1rEEvMI9JU6naYLpVeL0Q5iT0mAgyI/s320/Phil1.PNG" width="213" /></a></div>
One day, while chatting away with <i>ma' ladies</i>, Spinda and Pepa
(for the record, those aren’t their real names. I’ve changed their names for their protection, because I’m considerate
like that), Pepa gets messaged by not one,
but TWO Lingerers!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Picture if you
will, a sort of surprise gang-bang (Not that I’m familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m just assuming that that is how Pepa
felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m almost positive that’s what it
would feel like).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Anyway, what is a Lingerer, you ask? </span>Well, a lingerer is usually a <i><b>wierdo</b></i> that can't take a
hint and refuses to go away. It really doesn’t matter how much you
ignore him, there is just no stopping someone with that much
determination. He will often times throw you a curve ball and
disappear for days or even weeks at a time, but just when you think he’s
forgotten
all about you, BOOM – you get that message from him. There it is
in all its
glory. That one-worded text message that
has a way of making you want to set your phone on fire with a flame
thrower ... the
dreaded: HI! It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them
to leave you alone –
they won’t even get mad or offended - in
fact, they’ll <b>ACTUALLY</b> give you your space, but <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr7IClKrsMoEKAg-tVhv0vcGfSxFQ7sdhQBHd0OFD0U48O09gzREW1hoTbmvi0YZtoETOgo9l8Uk0lZyAGlG6LXMKmkeFTBhDv_iHNgA0BkF5zuIwpMF4W0bamMx79gqvltlWghefCClY/s1600/Phil2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr7IClKrsMoEKAg-tVhv0vcGfSxFQ7sdhQBHd0OFD0U48O09gzREW1hoTbmvi0YZtoETOgo9l8Uk0lZyAGlG6LXMKmkeFTBhDv_iHNgA0BkF5zuIwpMF4W0bamMx79gqvltlWghefCClY/s320/Phil2.PNG" width="213" /></a></div>
eventually, they always come back – like a fucking boomerang.<br />
<br />
Meeting all kinds of (crazy) people when you are single is just part of the dating ride. Most of the time,
you exchange numbers with someone and nothing comes from it. Sometimes, we get a good friend out of it,
but very seldom do we get a Lingerer. My Lingerer is kind of special and not in that romantic kind of
way, more like in that crazy asshole kind of way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hung out and it just didn’t work
out (perhaps because he had a girlfriend that he forgot to tell me about, who
he was fighting with at the time ... Asshole). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But besides that little indiscretion, there was nothing more to it … or
so I thought (please refer to pictures 1 through 4 ... crazy).<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<br />
Although the conversations between "Too-Tall P" and myself are quite short (to say the least)
and it is obvious that nothing beautiful will ever
blossom between us, I can actually say that I have learned some things <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhub6fxXlSRM98YG6eWrBq2_fA5jyuMVLcM2JLN0Yz_XAlin5DTGTR5CuALAAG1zSuhafvvvxwQomhQPKltB2lcE_O7XsqIHTlKAX3YHVJkZ9bAsusi6dUKkuvk_C-dT6d0-yUtmFzi8YU/s1600/Phil3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhub6fxXlSRM98YG6eWrBq2_fA5jyuMVLcM2JLN0Yz_XAlin5DTGTR5CuALAAG1zSuhafvvvxwQomhQPKltB2lcE_O7XsqIHTlKAX3YHVJkZ9bAsusi6dUKkuvk_C-dT6d0-yUtmFzi8YU/s320/Phil3.PNG" width="213" /></a>from my Lingerer. I have compiled a list below ... You're welcome. <br />
<br />
The 5 Things I've Learned From My Lingerer:<br />
1. He's a fucking psycho<br />
2. He apparently likes pinups and likes to fuck hard and fuck fast ... triple threat!<br />
3. He has an abnormally huge penis (image has been shielded from readers eyes - sorry y'all)<br />
4.
I don't like surprise penis pics. Unless I personally request a
photo, please keep that shit to yourself!!! <br />
5. Never, ever, EVER send inappropriate texts to someone, unless you are in a
committed relationship with them (i.e. long term boyfriend and/or
husband), because you never know what the other person will do with
those texts, i.e. BLOG ...I can't stress this enough - JUST DON'T DO IT PEOPLE!!!<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvmtyw-zRgsS55888UJb2q2p7udN0bt-isuj0bFPwwsADr6k0z0a_MyPQEwxhYgvaRu6oOpGdOEoI68WkusRIpv2GCwW65vjNVvlFOZUxWzfMaOew_u3Tyg0jXhmyu67KnU2wmAs_R2E0/s1600/Phil4.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZy5CygG-6cx-0XkMfZMTATlvhL4ALsneiLqF7CXivXPfgBCMo1eidon-BcLnJlCnMgrZM9ep39j15M85hTlD6nhIZaDmzPBmYVIOJgvfoIhRTh9TzqD7o4MbCoH8c-LW0TtnK8ke_-dk/s1600/Phil4.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZy5CygG-6cx-0XkMfZMTATlvhL4ALsneiLqF7CXivXPfgBCMo1eidon-BcLnJlCnMgrZM9ep39j15M85hTlD6nhIZaDmzPBmYVIOJgvfoIhRTh9TzqD7o4MbCoH8c-LW0TtnK8ke_-dk/s320/Phil4.PNG" width="213" /></a>I
can't stand m Lingerer anymore; he is fucking annoying (but unintentionally funny). No matter how much I ignore him (as you can see), I can't get rid of him and I <i><b>REFUSE</b></i> to change my number!!! Although I may have lost this battle y'all, I <b><u>WILL NOT</u></b> LOSE THE WAR!!!<br />
<br />
The struggle continues ... <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-53150018599172907532013-05-20T10:46:00.002-07:002013-05-21T19:22:17.778-07:00Karma Is a Greedy Whore and She’s Taking All the Men<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Just like every little girl out there, I too grew up
thinking that I would be married, most likely, by the time I was 25 years
old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I blame all those Disney movies for
stuffing unrealistic garbage in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
a long time, I truly believed that maybe, just maybe, if I made myself drown at
the beach, a handsome prince (or lifeguard) would save me and gracefully sweep me
off my feet and carry me into the sunset in his strong tattooed arms and we
would live happily ever after … The End.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What Disney failed to tell us is that not every guy we meet in life is
going to be a rich, handsome prince (that’s still single).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, he’s still married and wants you
as his side piece, or sometimes he has a lot of emotional baggage and is afraid
to commit, and <i>SOMETIMES</i>, he just doesn’t have his shit together and working
(God forbid) is just an unfathomable idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where are those movies!?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are
they locked up somewhere in the Disney vault??? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some little girls, that perfect dream came
true, but as for me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well … I’m still
dreaming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 25, instead of getting
married to the love of my life, I was breaking up with him after 6 long
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fast forward 5 years later and
here I am, 30 years old and frantically searching for “the one” (and I say
frantically because it sounds more dramatic that way).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But let’s just be honest here, if your future
husband was suddenly kidnapped and being tortured in some prison camp, I’m sure
you wouldn’t be sitting at home painting your nails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because seriously – where else could he
be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the only logical
explanation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I want to clarify one thing, I am 30 years old and I
KNOW that technically, I am NOT old and that I still have my entire life ahead
of me and things will happen when they are meant to happen … blah, blah, blah,
bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit, but honestly, it really sucks being one
of the last boy-friend-less, relationship-less, childless people in your family.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My favorite question is, “So?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When is it your turn Nat?” <b>*rolls eyes*</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obviously, not any time soon and thanks for
the reminder dick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t respond like
that out loud because my mom raised me better than that, but that’s what I
would say, if I knew my mom wasn’t going to beat me for being rude and
disrespectful.</div>
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<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t want you guys to read this and think that I’m
walking around like that little wind-up doll, with a black cloud over my head
in that commercial for Pristiq (am I even allowed mentioning products on
here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I going to get sued?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Great, now I’ll be a 30 year old single
female, depressed and millions of dollars in debt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe Pristiq will sponsor me instead, for
advertising them on my blog unintentionally and after they sue me they can help
ease my depression with some free pills).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyway, the point here people is that I’m not depressed, I’m generally a
pretty happy person, I actually enjoy being single very much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do what I want, when I want and I have no
one to answer to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can go out and party
my ass off or sit at home and drink a bottle of wine by myself or watch sappy
movies all night and cry until my eyes look like they were attacked by a
family of wasps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be selfish and
think about ONLY myself – I love that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
just have my moments where I sit and wonder if I’m being punished for the shit
I’ve done in my life (some of which I’m not proud of).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I know that this is a terrible way
of thinking, there is a small part of me that strongly believes that Karma is acting like a vindictive whore and she is coming at me – full force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have my issues, I won’t deny that, but I also think I have a lot to
offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently the guys I’ve been
dating are blind, because they can’t see the kind of lady I have the potential
to be (if you look past the drinking and cursing, I know she is in there somewhere) … I guess everyone is right though, maybe
it’s just not my time.</div>
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<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I spent this weekend not on any dates, but rather in the
company of some good friends, drinking, overeating and dishing out some good
stories about our experiences with the opposite sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Conclusion: Guys suck and girls are fabulous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we discussed our dating disasters, my
friend stumbled upon this little gem of a deal in her LivingSocial email - for a speed dating event. Amidst all the drinking and guy bashing, the
Gods were finally giving in!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After some
extensive research on the event, I realized the following:<br>
<br>
1. I now fall into the 30-43 year old bracket. I used to love dating guys 10 years + older than me ... That now means dating guys in their 40's. OUCH.<br>
2. The entire month of June for HurryDate is already
booked!?!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What. The fuck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The competition is getting fierce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this rate, it’s time I considered adopting
a cat or 10 … or maybe I need to work on learning some MMA fighting just in
case I need to take a bitch down at this speed dating event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hoping I don’t have to resort to the
later, but if Ariel, Jasmine, and Mulan all fought for love, why cant I?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although I’m not <i>THAT </i>crazy about this speed dating idea, the
truth is, I’m secretly hoping to find someone there just as fucked up as I
am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe we will hit it off and I’ll be able to
ask him how he was able to escape the prison camp and find his way here to me
and then we will run off into the sunset, with our speed dating ID badges still
intact and live happily ever after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
end.</div>
<br>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicYm_Rd-xJmUVSn8BbJ2x_XEKhRB3n_So7TXczpYfWHGAZR5uCF9GSzYJfvQZBFBKIpjR6b7bEpzWnEgQ52oInop7wjFkIq0SBZLaArcI5JwAh317T01QdPKwew2IEqfss903sjz5x1Tc/s1600/bn5199_43-fbcouple-holding-hands-at-sunset-over-the-bay-of-alcudia-mallorca-balearic-islands-spain-posters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicYm_Rd-xJmUVSn8BbJ2x_XEKhRB3n_So7TXczpYfWHGAZR5uCF9GSzYJfvQZBFBKIpjR6b7bEpzWnEgQ52oInop7wjFkIq0SBZLaArcI5JwAh317T01QdPKwew2IEqfss903sjz5x1Tc/s320/bn5199_43-fbcouple-holding-hands-at-sunset-over-the-bay-of-alcudia-mallorca-balearic-islands-spain-posters.jpg" width="320"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at that sunset! This could be us ... I'm at a loss for words.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-61627228755918974902013-05-16T11:29:00.002-07:002013-12-19T06:21:35.996-08:00JB, At This Point, Let’s Just Lie About the Fact THAT We Met<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KJOXp9sOSXkZqSpPj08xJvzH2gNHrDbXkwzCZ6kYlGJqss1_8JLdzoDIFikxnKXhQZ6DOUTs3Ntm3O2MlNpCrkTWlirX0_Yts8oOmhdvhoTS8JX9Z7j3evuU0KWrjE2PGgQuduzNglE/s1600/JB1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KJOXp9sOSXkZqSpPj08xJvzH2gNHrDbXkwzCZ6kYlGJqss1_8JLdzoDIFikxnKXhQZ6DOUTs3Ntm3O2MlNpCrkTWlirX0_Yts8oOmhdvhoTS8JX9Z7j3evuU0KWrjE2PGgQuduzNglE/s320/JB1.PNG" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
Remember when I went on about how great online dating
CAN be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, sometimes, it’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s my disclaimer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Online dating can suck because sometimes you
get a real winner and his name is JB or asshole … it really depends.<br />
<br />
On Mother’s Day, I received a lovely little text from
JB.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The text went something along the
lines of, “I’m sorry for the way I acted ... I was drunk and nervous (deadly
combination if I do say so) … We are different, but I would like to go out with
you again so we can really get to know each other”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really get to know each other?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As in rubbing your balls up against my OTHER
thigh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I love a good adventure, sometimes, you just have to know when to say no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put my big girl panties on and decided that
I should just be upfront with JB and let him down like an adult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">**</span>Please refer to the attached photographs to
see the painful deterioration of that supposed adult conversation.**<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-MAHaPIHyCG7KOJIyiFFWfiSYwqdpE4MIU-XkjfNfx9oGwJ8gk4Hx10L8KEaXHt3C5iLH4KJat6Rxh0upF3B0gh-U-RtpKIyQYjR3tovvgbTlGvpTqekme1Vx3Q5BSABAvzrsxDzqzc4/s1600/JB2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-MAHaPIHyCG7KOJIyiFFWfiSYwqdpE4MIU-XkjfNfx9oGwJ8gk4Hx10L8KEaXHt3C5iLH4KJat6Rxh0upF3B0gh-U-RtpKIyQYjR3tovvgbTlGvpTqekme1Vx3Q5BSABAvzrsxDzqzc4/s320/JB2.PNG" height="320" width="213" /></a><br />
For once, I actually tried to be honest in a tactful,
respectful way and it backfired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
only supports my theory: When in doubt, just flake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d rather be a flaky bitch, than get cursed
out by a guy that can't even distinguish the difference between my fucking eyebrows and
eyelashes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I almost want to send JB a
picture of the two and label it - with like neon colors and flashing lights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean really …<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO4ZQv8hRzfmni4UgLck8J3SV1N1Mb5pP8jeZ19EIY-7fa-lmbBN3sZXdCCDfpmeyRzEwYnnVjXNs4kEcWa4pNdHkQmivOlX7NyT71Pg8dVWnOE92rSdhQrsWJtrpEu8Klc2s7MCr9GeI/s1600/JB3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO4ZQv8hRzfmni4UgLck8J3SV1N1Mb5pP8jeZ19EIY-7fa-lmbBN3sZXdCCDfpmeyRzEwYnnVjXNs4kEcWa4pNdHkQmivOlX7NyT71Pg8dVWnOE92rSdhQrsWJtrpEu8Klc2s7MCr9GeI/s320/JB3.PNG" height="320" width="213" /></a>Just a little side note here: Despite the deadbeat Bouncer (who
apparently threw away my number like it was a filthy napkin) and JB, I did come
across some interesting guys on my online profile and by interesting - I
mean they don’t look crazy (my favorites are the profile pictures that
look
like they were taken at your local county jail).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that I don’t have my own issues, but a
girl's gotta have her standards – just saying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>OH! I also love the guys that put up pictures and say things like, “me
sitting in my car”; “me sitting by a tree”; “me walking into a bar”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, I would like to commend you on your
amazing creativity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secondly, thank you
for the descriptions – I wouldn’t want to misinterpret what’s happening in the
photo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure you’re probably asking
yourself, “What the hell is she talking about?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What the hell does the title have to do with any of this”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please, allow me to explain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m just angry now and I needed to write down my thoughts. I think I need an online dating break.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBntKBq_uq9jqC52j1F3nJHA30rqnecryJDwYDRmKPXuR0aOnkSWlG5bZsIOfppQqu8E9loqLhcT1HkzNyTDQiTED0bpqBlnEWuIxObSNs6wqrxfN0qc5Qe1vrgKNQ-cOnQQfcospYa74/s1600/JB4.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBntKBq_uq9jqC52j1F3nJHA30rqnecryJDwYDRmKPXuR0aOnkSWlG5bZsIOfppQqu8E9loqLhcT1HkzNyTDQiTED0bpqBlnEWuIxObSNs6wqrxfN0qc5Qe1vrgKNQ-cOnQQfcospYa74/s320/JB4.PNG" height="320" width="213" /></a>But, please, let's get back to JB. WTF JB. Your Third Eye!?! Well excuse me Cyclops ... and let me just say this,
your third eye needs to go to the optometrist because it failed to see how you practically violated my body. Explain that one JB!?! ... and WHAT do you mean you sensed that I don't know what I want - IT WAS A FIRST DATE!!!! How could you know!? How could anyone know!? You could barely hear what I was saying through the loud music and screaming. I'll tell you what <i><b>I DIDN'T</b></i> want ... Your balls - in my personal space. Oh and this is my favorite: " Thank God, I didn't take you to Dave and Busters". Whoa ... slow down Oprah - not sure I'm ready for all that big-time spending. "Woulda" "Dic" ... That's all I have to say about that.<br />
<br />
I feel quite confident that this is the last I'll be hearing of JB. I'm sorry that it had to end on such a bad note ... but seriously JB, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thank you for the great stories! Asshole. <br />
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<br />NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-11272421734979899092013-05-13T10:42:00.000-07:002013-05-15T09:54:40.741-07:00Feasting in Brooklyn on a Friday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I went on a dinner date on Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have nothing bad to report!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a great dinner with great
company!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, the food was
excellent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so good, that if the
guy wasn’t there, I would have crawled underneath the table and licked the
plate clean, which is weird because I never eat on a date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t let these men see how I get down!!!
I’m a lady and I have morals.<br />
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<br /></div>
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Allow me to give you a little glimpse into my dinner dates:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We meet up and order some drinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friendly banter and routine date questions.
Appetizer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More drinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More friendly banter and now some laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Enter waitress with dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stare
at dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More routine date
questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take a bite of chicken and
slowly chew on a piece of lettuce because, “I’m just not that hungry”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m fucking starving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drown out hunger pangs with more drinks … and
5 glasses of water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speed walk to
restroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come back and take another
bite of chicken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One more drink. More
conversation and laughs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>End date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nine times out of ten, this is what usually
happens and more often than not, after these dates, I find myself in the Jetta on a high level of tipsy,
starving and stationed in the dimly lit corner of the parking lot at
Taco Bell inhaling 3 mexi-melts and a burrito supreme …</div>
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<br /></div>
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… But not on Friday; I threw my morals out the window that
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it was because I had been
dieting for the past month; maybe because Mexican food is my favorite or maybe
because I simply gave up on life after ‘Fight Night with JB’ (seriously, how
long does it take to recover from the trauma?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And let me just ask you this: um, where is the bouncer, because he STILL
hasn’t texted me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Anywho … my first embarrassing moment of ‘Feasting in
Brooklyn on a Friday’ was during the appetizer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who knew that guacamole and chips could be so heavenly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just let the guy talk and talk as I chomped
away, devouring every nacho in sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank God for our waitress and that extra basket of nachos, because if his fingers would
have so much as pointed in my direction … </div>
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<br /></div>
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Eventually, it was my turn to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gently dabbed the sides of my mouth and
wiped the crumbs off my lips to speak my first words ... <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>And then it happened. A piece of nacho and
guacamole shot right out of my mouth, like a rocket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still trying to remember where it
landed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without skipping a beat I said,
“OH my GOD, I just spit” and like a true gentlemen, he smirked, grabbed his
napkin and tried to wipe up the piece of my dignity that maybe landed on our
table? The floor? Back in the GUACAMOLE BOWL!?! And so, dinner continued with
great conversation, good laughs and some funny stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got so comfortable talking to this guy that
in the middle of my story-telling, I began flailing my arms about and knocked
over my frozen margarita.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only did
embarrassment and, I don’t know – nausea set in, but so did the liquid of what
once was my alcoholic beverage, which was now starting to feel like it was
eating through my clothes and sticking onto my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did what anybody in my situation would do –
I avoided eye contact and kept speaking like nothing happened. Like a champ.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Dinner ended not too long after that, but not because of my
mishaps, I had to actually call it a night because of an exam I was taking early the next morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this got me thinking … Here
I am, starting a blog about my bad dates and I guess the joke was on me all
along while I was Feasting in Brooklyn on a Friday. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The struggle continues until the next date …</div>
NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-14038836498496365032013-05-08T12:57:00.003-07:002013-06-06T11:52:40.506-07:00JB Strikes Again!!!After three days, just as I was beginning to think that I had sexscaped JB - he called me. I froze in silence as I watched my phone alert me with a bright flashing <span style="font-size: large;">"Incoming call: JB"</span>across the screen. I decided to do the right thing and let it go to voice mail. About two seconds after that, I got his text message that read, "Whatsup i called you but u didn't pick up". Obviously ...(JB is just too smart for his own good).<br />
<br />
I don't know, JB ... Maybe I didn't pick up because I am still healing from the emotional scars (of the surprise leg-humping) or perhaps from the physical battering that my feet were subjected to! Because really, I haven't been able to wear a decent pair of shoes since Saturday due to the blisters that have formed on my toes. Maybe I should be the bigger person here and just let him know that it's not going to work out, but I just find it much easier to ignore the problem and let it phase itself out. Which reminds me ... I have yet to receive a call from the bouncer from Saturday night.<br />
<br />
I almost feel bad, I do want to call JB and not have to flake on him. I want to be able to explain that maybe it's best if we just go our separate ways, but he could barely understand it when I told him that the bar opens at 9pm ... It's just a disaster waiting to happen.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, I have to give JB some credit, maybe his intentions weren't in the right place but at least he wouldn't let me pay for anything, which I think says a lot about a person. I'm still not going to call him though. <br />
<br />
And don't look so shocked - I've definitely been on that date where the guy has actually looked me right in the face and said, "Hey, ummmm, you wanna be a sport a chip in" (!?!?!!?!?!), we can call him 'Knight Rider'. Oh and there was this other time where one guy, we can call <i>him</i> 'Chino Moreno', showed up for a dinner and had the nerve to tell me, "So, first you expect me to drive all the way out here and now you expect me to pay". Now, I know this isn't 1950, but what the fuck guys - where's the respect???<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892168853243415245.post-20137255931764137592013-05-06T10:41:00.003-07:002013-11-04T10:04:30.755-08:00Fight Night with JB<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a date last night, which will be referred to as Fight Night with JB. I met JB on a popular
online dating site, and after going back and forth for about a month, we
decided to exchange numbers and eventually meet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now, let me explain something to
y’all, I’ve been on and off online dating sites since I broke up with J1 and
for you skeptics, on-line dating can provide both positive and negative
experiences, but the point is it allows for an array of choices and
opportunities that you otherwise would not have access to in the real world.
That’s just my opinion. I also have found that with online profiles, pictures
aren’t always so accurate. Sometimes, the person looks way hotter or sometimes
they are just a big mess. So my advice is: Keep an open mind, have fun, and
make the most of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Back to Fight Night with JB. We
decided to meet up for our first date. Normally, when it comes to online
dating, I like to suggest coffee meet-and-greets because you just never know,
but JB decided to grab the bull by the horns and suggested that we go see the
Mayweather fight. I had told JB that the bar wouldn’t open until 9pm, but there
must have been some kind of language barrier because JB seemed to not
understand me and insisted that we meet at 8pm … and so we did. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shocker … The bar was closed. JB was almost
offended that not only did he have to pay a cover charge, but that the bar
expected him to wait until 9pm to enter!!! Now, I know I drink a lot, but I am
almost 99% positive that I was sober when I specifically warned him that the
bar wouldn’t open until 9pm. Well, here we were, with an hour to kill and JB
thought it would be a great idea to walk around the city – FOR AN HOUR?! Thank
God for low heels right? WRONG – by the end of that romantic stroll my feet
were throbbing. The rest of the night was spent with us standing by the bar
screaming things into each other’s ears and me sneaking off to the bathroom
every so often to sit on the toilet and rest my feet for 5 mins while texting
my girlfriends for advice on how to escape this nightmare. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Some key moments that I DO remember
from Fight Night with JB are:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> 1. At one point, he suggested that
we leave and go to Hooters. Now, I’m no prude, but on a first date? I’d rather
go to a strip club and buy myself a nice little lap dance. When he saw the look
on my face, he said OK, if anything, I have a bottle of wine that we can finish
off in my car. WHAT?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> 2. It became so crowded that JB was
forced to stand extremely close to my body. That’s when the inappropriate
grinding ensued. I know when it’s crowded in a bar, but I also know when I’m
being grinded on and can we say … opportunistic much??</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> 3. Lastly, I noticed that JB had a
habit of repeating himself. That’s OK – my brain spaces out from time to time
as well. What did bother me was that JB kept asking me if my eyebrows were
real. Yes – my EYEBROWS. SIDENOTE: He also asked if my teeth were real, because
they were so white. After the 3<sup>rd</sup> time, I realized that by eyebrows
he meant eyelashes. I was so agitated at this point, I just said, “Yes JB, my
eyebrows are naturally this long and thick. I guess God just blessed me.” He
then proceeded to point to his eyelashes and ask me, “What about my eyebrows?
Are they long too?” KILL. ME. NOW.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">By 1:30 a.m., I had had enough. I
grew a pair and politely thanked him for the night out and explained that I was
ready to call it a night. As I went in for a hug goodbye, JB made his move and
plastered his lips right on mine. I pulled away, shouted out my last goodbye
whilst limping toward the Jetta for safety and sped off into the night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I will say this, my night didn’t end
on such a bad note … On my way home (still in the city), I briefly stopped at
one of my favorite bars for a quick bathroom break. I ran into and chatted away
with the bouncer at the door and we ended up exchanging numbers. So, I guess
the lesson here is that when life opens up a door, you better run the hell out
and away from JB unless you're up for some back seat wine action. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The struggle continues until the next date ...</span></div>
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<![endif]-->NAToriously Meeeeeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08835050395428823736noreply@blogger.com0