Friday, September 20, 2013

Why Guys Should Just Stick To Playing Video Games



Apparently, Eros (the God of love) took a break from his hard life of wooing women to enlighten all of us with his judgmental, biased, double standard, male-chauvinist point of view and when I say Eros I mean Preston Waters, the guy that wrote a gem of an article titled, “Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns”. 

The writer actually makes ONE valid point in stating that, “We live in a world where sex has lost its value … and women have changed drastically and are living in the moment and having fun”.  However, just because women have become more open with their sexuality and have become more carefree and independent, that does not mean that we are no longer good people.  To me, that simply means that we are more aware and in control of our lives.  In fact, I’m going to push the envelope a little further here and say that I find the writer of the article to be a coward that feels threatened by how sexually empowered women have become because he probably isn’t man enough to handle one.  Don’t get me wrong, I am one that still believes in chivalry, but I’m taking this opportunity to make my life the best one I’ve ever had and if that means sleeping with a few frogs before I find my Prince well so be it, because if you can have fun, I can too.

“For men it’s great that these women have decided to become just like us” – but at the same time you are arguing that good women are now unicorns.  Let me explain something, women did not just wake up one morning and decide to act like men.  People (both male AND female) have been engaging in sexual acts, of all kinds, with one another since Babylonian times, but through the ages the taboo has slowly been lifted.  Does it bother you that women can now play the same game probably better than you ever could?  Mr. Waters goes on to state that women are now more independent and that we should definitely encourage that independence, but in the following paragraph states how we are now thirsty for attention and then something about drugs and cocaine and being easy and that no one stays hot forever and just a slew of uncorrelated garbage that I am STILL trying to digest.  “Men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots” … discussion closed.
Mr. Waters let me tell you something about us girls: we are all good, but like any other human being in this world we, at times, make bad decisions … like when these poor girls decided to sleep with you, but those bad decisions don’t make us a bad person.  Since when did it become your right to judge others on their sexual activity?  Everyone has a past filled with good and bad decisions, but the only person that has to deal with the consequences of those decisions is the actual person making those decisions.  We are too quick to judge someone for being too prudish or too promiscuous, but who cares.  One is not better than the other.  Since when did having sex make you a bad person?  So what if someone has had a lot more than one sexual partner in their life.  Does that take away from the fact that they are a good person?  All this time I thought a good girl was someone that: helps take care of their family; is generous (in every way); is smart and educated and hard-working, never hurt anyone in any way.  I always thought that good girls are those that: are there for you when no one else is; don’t ask for anything in return – they just give; will support you though the good and the bad; respect their man and cook for them and clean for them and take care of them because that is what you do when you love someone - I thought those were the qualities that made girls unicorns.  Guys run around having sex with half the world until they meet that one girl that does it for them.  Does that mean that they are a bad person? NO.  It just means that they finally found the one; the one that showed them that they will never need anyone else … The good girl that was meant for them.  Quite frankly, how exactly do you expect to meet a sheep if you keep rolling around in the mud with a bunch of pigs?.

My favorite part of this article was this particular paragraph:
“The truth of the matter nowadays is that good girls, as we like to call them, don’t really exist.  They are unicorns.  You are lucky if you come across one that is actually who she says she is.  We sometimes even joke that our future wives are currently in Kindergarten because it is comforting to know that she is currently playing with blocks and not swinging from dick to dick because they sell her a good enough story and when she’s 18 we’ll snap her right up and she’ll have no exposure to being a slut”.  First of all, you sound like an insecure, narcissistic pedophile and for your information, what you just described is a kidnapping.  What kind of God do you think you are that feel you are entitled to some kind of untainted virgin while you are out running around poking and prodding every hole you come across!?  And let me just say this, if you plan on landing yourself a hot little 18 year old, your name better be Hugh Hefner and you better have 10 million in the bank because your looks won’t last forever, as you mentioned earlier … I’m sure no 18 year old is going to jump at the opportunity to change your dirty diaper when you’re too old to do it yourself.  Good luck with that … let me know how it works out for you.

So remember ladies, while your future husband is out there living it up bachelor style don’t forget to strap on that chastity belt nice and tight … oh, and while you’re at it, don’t forget that Bible (you are going to need it if you want your future husband to find you) … but wait a minute ladies, don’t get too excited just yet!  According to Mr. Waters, your husband will eventually leave you (out of boredom) for the whore that wasn’t good enough to marry in the first place … at this rate, I’m not even sure whether to keep my legs opened or close them back up … This is a tough call y’all.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Shit Girls Talk About: MUST-HAVES (If you get offended easily - don't bother reading)

Upon the many conversations I've had with my girlfriends, I started realizing that as women, we sometimes make impossible requests.  There are certain things that we NEED and WANT, but of course, like everything else in the world - you can't have it all.  I may be wrong (and by all means I am open to ALL suggestions), but here is a list of the must-haves (that I thought were reasonable) that are of no contest when it comes to dating us:

1. You must have a job
2. You don't have to be super hot, just be charming
3. You just have to be well groomed and clean! Smelling like you just rubbed a turd all over your body and your teeth is not acceptable.  Handle that - and while you are at it, take care of that smile!!!
4. Please dress decent.  You don't need to look like you walked off GQ (although that wouldn't hurt), but don't look sloppy - and please! No Ed Hardy shirts and "popped collars"
5. You must have a job (yes I said it twice.  It's that important) ... We don't care what that job is (just kidding, we do care.  Being a cashier at Target will not cut it), we just need to know that there is stability, a decent pay, benefits and STABILITY
6. Stay away from the law.  Period.
7. Make us laugh.  Like seriously we love to laugh
8. Sporadic foot massages - they will get you far
9. You don't have to be Bobby Flay, but know how to fry up some eggs; toast up some bread; cook up some rice; throw some lemon on a tomato - bitches love shit like that.
10. BYOR (Bring Your Own Razor) don't be afraid and at times, give us a hand down there - After all, the poon is just for you
11. Must be a man of integrity.  If you say you'll do something, just do it.
12. HONESTY!!!  Don't be a liar and if you are going to lie, learn to do it RIGHT, because I WILL catch you (we are always one step ahead), make your life hell and kill you ... OK, I won't kill you, but I might pull out a knife on you ... as a scare tactic
13. BE FUCKING FAITHFUL (please see No. 12)!!!  If you choose me - please only be with me.  Learn to keep your dick in your pants or I will cut it off.  JUST KIDDING.  If I cut off your dick, you are of no use to me
14. You know how you dudes love a freak in the sheets?  Well, we need you to know your way around too.  Nobody has time to whip out a fucking map and a set of instructions.  Learn ya' D game
15. And yes .. I'm sorry fellas: along with good D game comes a nice size D!!!  If you don't have it, we will talk about it and laugh about it and compare it to every single one we've ever seen.  Chances are, it's just not gonna work out
16. This is for one of my friends:  Tall, Dark and Handsome.  She is a fan of the chocolate ... and they aren't so bad ... just saying.
17.  Please don't be cocky and please don't be a cornball, every girl loves a challenge and some mystery
18.  Please be ambitious and get yourself a fucking job!!! PLEASE!!!!  Just have a job.
19. You know how you guys love blow-jobs?  Well sometimes we like shoes or a nice leather bag or maybe some jewelry ... just saying
20. There should only be one of us, in the relationship, with a fucking vagina. Please leave your melo-dramatic, depressive, needy bullshit at the door. It's not welcome here
21. We will be true to you and support throughout everything and in turn let the chivalry come out. It's not 1950, but I still like to think that there is a gentleman in every one of you. It's in there ... Don't be shy. Let it out. 
22. Lastly, please love us unconditionally.  We have to deal with your stupidity, so don't judge us for being a little crazy.  Crazy can be exciting ... and who doesn't love a good adventure (that doesn't involve knives ... and restraining orders ... and the police)

Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!
Don't forget that razor fellas!!!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Bitches Be Like ...

31 is the new 21 ... or so that's what I've convinced myself since a year ago when I turned 30.

At first, it was difficult for me to accept that I was entering the third floor, but only because everyone around me was getting married, having a baby or just simple taking the next step into their relationship.  I was surrounded by all these transitioning moments, except I wasn't transitioning into anything other than a single 30 year old and it was driving me crazy.

... and so, my 31st birthday came and went and I enjoyed every single minute of it.  I wish my 21st birthday would have been that awesome.  The only thing I remember about my 21st birthday was a limousine filled with about 8 people and the fact that I couldn't even drink on my 21st birthday because I accidentally gave the bouncer at Webster Hall my fake ID that I had been carrying around for the past 5 years - I was sooo excited to be turning 21, that I totally forgot that I no longer had to lie about being 21 and it came to bite me in the ass.  My friends spent that entire night sneaking me drinks!!  Ugh, the irony.  Anyway, my 31st birthday was amazing - I wouldn't change anything about it.  My family spoiled me with amazing gifts and I had an amazing turnout for the night-time celebration!  According to one of my friends, I, "walked out the club the way you should be walking out of a club on your birthday guurrrrl" - Quoted!  The funny thing is, that I didn't walk out "the club", because my friends had to actually carry me out.  It took 2 days for me to recover from that night.  I said this before and I will say this again ... 31 is the new 21 unless an obscene amount of alcohol is involved and then 31 is just a 31 year old that can no longer handle liquor like a 21 year old".

Although I know that there might be some negatives to getting older, here are the 10 reasons why I've enjoyed it thus far:
1.   I make more money and thankfully, I'm starting to enjoy that money
2.   I don't look older than 25 and when I still get asked for my ID - It makes MY FUCKING WEEK!!!
3.   My confidence is much higher now than it was in my 20's - I don't need to be cool to fit in and I sure as hell am not embarrassed to stay home on a Friday night alone.  Um, can we say: PJ's, wine and movies!?  It's DIVINE!!!
4.   I'm more experienced and mature now - I finally know what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it
5.   I no longer have to explain myself to anyone because I'm a really, really, really, young older person now and my decisions actually merit some value
6.   I love blasting the "old school" music I grew up listening to and I'm not embarrassed about it, because it's actually good music!!! *rolls eyes* fucking Justin Bieber (vomits)
7.   Older, creepy guys that like 20-somethings, don't hit on me anymore.  Apparently, I have become a target for hot, young boys under 25!!!  I've met more guys now then in my 20's and I'm lovin' every minute of it
8.   I still have a hot group of single girlfriends and we own it when we go out
9.   My vjay is my temple and the sex is great!  There ... I said it.
10. I'm fucking 31 - I'm NOT dead!!!  I'm beautiful, young, ambitious, focused, amazing, in control of my life and I still have goals that I'm able to accomplish!  I have so much to offer and I can't wait for the world to see it!!!

The truth is, entering the third floor hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Sure, I have my moments, but don't we all?  Life has never looked better.  And so what if I'm not married yet or have kids?  I may not be a wife yet, but I will be one day and for the right guy, I will be amazing!  And I may not be a mom yet, but I'm the coolest and funniest auntie ever and I'm surrounded by some of the cutest, most beautiful nieces and nephews and god-kids that I could have ever asked for ... I get the best of both worlds without that added responsibility.

Life is good - PARTY ON BITCHES!!!


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Salt N Pepa's Heeeaaaaaa


Forrest Gump once said, "Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't somethin' you can find just around the corner."  Please, excuse me while I grab some tissues ... Although this quote comes from a fictional character with a low IQ, it makes me respect the quote that much more.  It's true.  A best good friend isn't someone you come across everyday.  Like soul-mates, they come into your life and no matter what, they will be around forever.  I met my best good friend, when I was 10 years old, in a 5th grade class ... The birth of a beautiful friendship.  Pepa and I have been friends for over 20 years and in that time, we've been through everything together and have only come across a handful of downs.  Besides family, I can't think of anyone else I've known longer. 


BOOM!  Haters gonna hate


It wasn't too long ago that Pepa brought to my attention, the fact that as a best friend I had been slacking.  On the road to finding myself and my happiness, I started to turn my back on my friends, Pepa included.  It was not something intentional on my behalf, but I was lost for a while and I just needed a little bit of time to regroup.  You know, with every blog I write, I feel like I was really crazy at one point ... My God, no wonder I'm still single  ... And so, after some built-up tension, and a 3-day argument it was agreed that Salt-N-Pepa needed an official "girls night out".


The night began like any other night.  I picked up my foxy little friend and off we went in the Jetta and straight into the beautiful City that never sleeps.  First stop: The Stand (thank you Groupon for the show and drink tickets).  I made sure we arrived EARLY so that the hostess could sit us at the very front, because there is nothing better than attending a comedy show and getting picked on by comedians.  The comedic acts were great, the drinks were even better and for the rest of the show, every comedian referred to us as the hot, slutty, lesbian Latinas!!!  That's right y'all, they said WE WERE HOT, SLUTTY, LESBIAN LATINAS!!!  Who am I to complain?  I haven't received a compliment that awesome in months - shit, I'll take what I can get.

With the comedy show at an end and a bit tipsy at this point, we decided that maybe it would be best to call it a night ... that is, until we were on our way home and drove past our favorite little place, which just so happened to have a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT, which then led to Pepa shouting at me, "BITCH, you betta park this car!!!!!"  Now, if that is not Jesus giving us the green light to party, then I don't know what is ... sometimes, you just have to learn to recognize the signs people.  As we, gracefully, walked our way up to the bar, guess who was working the door???  Yes, that's right, another gift from Jesus: THE BOUNCER I had met from the horrible date I had with JB: the thigh molester!!!  This night was just getting better and better ... but with the good, comes the bad and the rest of the night was spend with Pepa running away from a 22 year old, Justin Bieber looking Marine, me dancing with a random drunk guy and at times flirting with and helping the Bouncer check for fake ID's and at one point, Pepa and I constantly looking over our backs for the Russians that kept inviting us back to their hotel room for a ... "party".  Um, some would refer to that as a gandbang or possible kidnapping.  I've seen Taken Part I and II - I can recognize danger.


Random Drunk Guy ... He was awesome

Our night turned out to be unexpected and fucking amazing as do most of our outings together ... and what better way to end an amazing successful night than in a dimly lit parking lot of Taco Bell, inhaling 3 mexi-melts after some quality drinking, which is detrimental to all the hard work I've been putting into the weight-loss competition I joined, but really?  When it comes to mending a once-in-a-lifetime friendship, there is no taco nor beer that can ever come between that!!!



I have many great friends,  I love them all and I wouldn't trade them for anything - but like my Pepa there is no other ... I don't know how to explain it, there is just an unspoken bond that's there.  Even though there are people that will read that last statement and think I'm a weirdo, the truth is I feel sorry for you, because I can only guess that you haven't found your best good friend - and no, she is not someone that you can just find around the corner; she is someone that you will find in your 5th grade class.

Ahhhhhh Push It ... Push it real good!!!

OH! and P.S.  THE BOUNCER!?!?  (insert a kool-aide smile and a big thumbs up in here)

The Struggle Continues ...