New Year, Same Selfish Me

The words I am about to write are in no way meant to offend or get a rise out of those who might not agree with my expressed opinion.  As stated, this is merely my opinion, which is based on my own personal life experiences.  I write to express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, I hope that my words can touch those that share my same sentiments but haven’t found their own voice to express the same.

I have spent a huge chunk of my adult life searching for a boyfriend; a husband … “The One”, if you will.  I've received nothing in return but a string of poor decisions, awful experiences, unwarranted heartache and emotional turmoil.  I have no idea why or when I drilled it into my head that I NEEDED to be married by 25, with my first child by 28 and my last by 34 (I've come close - I was engaged twice) and it has done NOTHING but stress me the FUCK out.  I've always referred to myself as a lost soul always trying to find my way.  My closest friends could probably tell you that it has been my life mission to find a husband no. matter. what.  It didn’t make matters any better when everyone around me was either getting engaged, getting married or birthing some offspring:  You haven’t seen crazy like Natalia circa 2012, let me tell you.

And so, I started off 2014 with that “New Year, New Me” mentality and I swore to the heavens that THIS would be MY YEAR of TRUE LOVE!  I wished for it so hard that when I FINALLY attained it, I destroyed what otherwise would have maybe, quite possibly been a good, solid relationship.  I’m not saying that I was 100% at fault, because (let’s be honest) I wasn’t, but for the sake of an argument, let’s just say I was somewhat at fault.  Anyway, I’ve digressed … ** Here’s a little cliché: They say the grass is always greener ** I’m not really sure who “they” are, but I’m assuming it’s those people who are now bitter and living in regret for not choosing the path they REALLY wanted to take because they were too scared to do so.  Anyway, after wishing for a boyfriend for so long, I finally got one and guess what?  The grass was greener after all - when I was single and living selfishly for ME.  With no regrets, I walked away from that mess and chose to pursue the dream career I’ve had sitting on the back burner for quite some time.

For me, marriage?  Kids?!  No.  FUCK that noise.

I don’t know how I will feel in the next 6 to 12 months (never say never) but for now, I will say this:  I have been around way too many babies and couples to know that I do NOT want nor do I need a serious relationship in my life right now, let alone children.  I am NOT mentally ready to give up my habitual drinking lifestyle AND freedom in order to take care of a little me.  I LOVE my nephews and niece more than myself, but I also love that I can give them back when shit gets real.  Maybe, I actually want to be that drunk aunt that fucks up Christmas (just kidding, I liven that shit up!!!), maybe I can just start 2015 with a cat?!  and truth be told - a girl's gotta eat and my no strings attached options?  Not ready to give those up yet (and yes, I just admitted that).  Sorry, not sorry.

Douglas Adams said it best, “I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I needed to be” … and I’ll tell you where that is Dougie: Most certainly not in a hospital delivering a baby … but wherever it is, rest assured, there will selfishly be a drink in my hand.

Cheers to 2015!!!

Bathroom Love ...

Dear Kiko:

We met by chance in a winsome little bar in Williamsburg on Saturday night.  I was out with family for the night with no expectations of meeting ANYONE, so little that I had on my "I don't give a fuck I'm just going out for a beer or 4" outfit.

... and then, I had to pee.

As I walked down the stairs into a creepy dim-lit narrow hallway, there you were - standing - up against the wall. and all I could see was your back ... quite a handsome back if I do say so myself.

I stood in line behind you patiently waiting my turn, but I had to pee soooooooooo bad.  So, I gracefully tapped you on the shoulder and asked if each stall was for, "guys and girls or are these gender neutral".  To which you replied, "I'm sorry doll, it's for both".  Doll.  DOLL.  *swoons* ... and then you introduced yourself and stuck out your hand out to shake mine - like a true gentleman.  Now, normally, because of all this Ebola hoopla and because we were on line of a not-so-clean bathroom, I wouldn't have touched you, but you were so you and you spoke to my soul when you said how much you loved wine and the vineyards, I just couldn't resist the urge to take your hand in mine.

SIDE NOTE to my readers:  He washed his hands and even dried them properly with 2 paper towels and disposed of said paper towels in the appropriate receptacle and not on the floor.

You asked for my number and I left the bar shortly thereafter.

You haven't yet called.

Kiko, did I offend you in any way by the bathroom?  I'm sorry I stared at you while you engaged in your act of cleanliness.  Did I look too sweaty?  It was just so hot in that damn bar - I mean who puts on heat this time of year!?! It hasn't even reached the mid-40's yet!  We were so inappropriately close to each other on that line, was my breath smelling too hoppy!?!?  I usually have gum on me (I'm always so conscious about these things), but what can you really fit into a wristlet?

Maybe I'll hear from you, but if I never do ... I hope you continue to chase your dreams with your sexy 'stache and a wine glass in your clean, urine free hands.

Until next time ...

That Moment In My Life Where I Channeled Oprah ...

You have to forgive me, it's been almost 10 months since I last blogged about ANYTHING at all.  I have to be honest, we were a little preoccupied with a little something called a relationship (and by we, I mean my vagina and I) - consistency is nice, I must say.


Any who ... I spend the first half of the year in a relationship with that good guy that I took a chance on.  SPOILER ALERT: It didn't workout - and that's okay.  There really isn't much to say about it - Life brought someone into my life for a reason and took him out of my life for a reason.

Through every break-up or whatever relationship bullshit I've dealt with in my life I always tend to walk away looking and feeling like that moment when your DVR decided NOT to record the last 10 mins of the season finale cliffhanger of your favorite show.  This time though, it was different ...

Just after the relationship ended, for about a day or two I had that moment.  My Pepa patiently sat on the phone with me, for about an hour, and just listened while I bawled my eyes out.  I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of the things I did wrong in the relationship and why at 32 years old, I had failed as a woman and couldn't even make ONE relationship work ... then @ 7am when I woke up for work, it happened.  At some point during the night of trauma, I had gone to bed a broken woman and woke up as Oprah.

It was a beautiful moment for me.  I wasn't sad or hurt, I felt empowered.  I had finally realized the beauty of being in a relationship in my 30's.  I knew what it was I wanted in life and I stood up for the things I believed in.  And while no one is ever perfect, I knew in my heart that I was never anything less than a good woman to this person.  Unfortunately, I was never able to make them happy, but I'll tell you what I was able to do, tell them to go fuck themselves for treating me as if I was a worthless piece of shit.  I never used those exact words - I am a lady after-all and sometimes we just have to suppress that language and #keepitclassy, ladies.

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting.  Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to.  Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us" - Emery Allen

Not long after the break-up I stumbled upon this quote and of course, it made perfectly good sense.  Not everything is meant to be ever-lasting and this person walked into my life to teach me that I DO love myself, enough to respect myself and know that it was time to walk away and for that I thank you and I wish you all the best.

YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF - EVERYYYBODYYYY CAN FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!   <3

Until next time ...

The Day I Gave a Good Guy a Chance

If I could go back in time and speak to my 14 year old self, I wouldn't.  Actually, I would most likely slap the rose-colored glasses off her face and tell her that, "These are the names of the boys you must stay away from!!!", because unfortunately, I've spent a major part of my life chasing after the bad boy.  Yes. SEVENTEEN years of poor decisions, endless heartbreaks and unnecessary drama, to be exact.  There is no one to blame here but myself, because I should have outgrown that phase at least 5 years ago … but really?  Who can resist spontaneity, those badass tattoos, a rap sheet and all that mystery? *swoons and drops panties*

There will come a day in your life when you will finally grow up and give a good guy a chance - when tattoos and mystery and motorcycles AND danger will no longer do it for you and that day for me was January 4, 2014.

... And while this was simply a first date with a perfect stranger, I was still able to walk away a changed person.  Who knew that in one date, I could learn some life-altering lessons?!  Regardless of what happens here, the point is that I am FINALLY traveling down the right path and I am one step closer to where I need to be.

While some of these may be the simplest of life lessons we learn at an early age, for some of us, the same mistakes have to repeat themselves until we finally get the point!  With that said ...

The day I gave a good guy a chance, was the day that I learned:
      1. We all have to grow up sometime … even at 31 =)
      2. You can’t save a bad boy and try and make him good – the damage has already been done (and they must save themselves first)
      3. Bad boys are just that … BOYS
      4. And a good family instills values and raises a MAN
      5. Chivalry still exists, even if you weren’t born in the 1950’s
      6. "Bad Boys are no good and good guys are no fun". FALSE: Not all good guys are boring - they still have a little mystery of their own and that is sexy as hell!!!
      7. A solid, deep conversation with a man can actually drive a woman wild
      8. My value and worth as a lady and human being
      9. You don't need to find the person that is better for you, you need to find the one that makes you want to become a better person.
      10.My personality is awesome and although it might scare some guys away … nope … My personality is awesome and guys that can’t handle it are just P*$$!*$.

The day I gave a good guy a chance … was the day that I was finally able to let go of my past and my life finally began falling into place.

The 5 Most Important Guys That Have Helped Shape My Life

It’s that very special and important time of the year: The end of 2013.  I want to thank everyone that has been by my side this past year, especially emotionally.  We all know I’ve been a little difficult to handle, but alas now y’all get to forgive me for all the wrongs I’ve committed.  Aside from good friends, I think I need to take a moment to reflect on the people (my exes) that have had their hand in making me the person that I am today.  I feel like sometimes they don’t get the credit that they deserve …
 

1.      Mr. I’m The Man and You Are My Subordinate Wife. He was special … but in that Ike Turner kind of way; pretty much my first serious boyfriend.  I was 18 (young and dumb), and I REALLY thought that this was love.  Even though he wasn’t “my first”, he definitely unleashed the little sex kitten that had been lying dormant within me (thank you for making my sex life as amazing as it has been).  In that aspect, I learned A LOT from him – but it ends there.  I changed who I was for this guy and even gave up my friends to make him happy.  I’m embarrassed to mention everything else that took place in that relationship.  At the end of it all, no one was happy because my loneliness and misery lead to his misery, which then led to a series of ugly and dangerous fights.  He was the epitome of what a controlling, male-chauvinist is … I’m surprised he never tried to cut off my clit and toss it into a bucket.

 2.      Mr. Love of My Life.  He was the rebound that lasted 6 years that took me 3 years to get over.  I immediately began dating him after No.1 – like literally – like 2 weeks after.  I could write a 400 page article about Mr. Love of My Life, but I promise to keep it under 400 words instead.  We broke up because we had to, not because we wanted to.  I’m about to get corny in 3 … 2 … 1 … Our love was once like a beautiful flower that eventually began to slowly wilt away (You’re welcome Shakespeare).  I learned from Mr. Love of My Life what is to truly love with your heart, body and soul: That head-over-heels, dizzy, sick-to-your-stomach, no one-else-exists, heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-chest, natural-head rush-high, walk-on-hot-coals-for-you kind of love.  He and I had a connection that I had never felt with anyone before.  He did show me kindness, emotional support, sincerity and A LOT of love and how to enjoy life but he also had his issues and insecurities.  He had a lot of growing up to do and eventually, the possibility of a future with him slowly began to dissipate.  The bad boy that was good just for me and I will always love him.  Always.

3.      Mr. Friend with Benefits.  Although married, we developed a great friendship and one day, things just went straight to the next level.  This is not something that I am proud of y'all, but it was also something that was never planned.  We seriously were just friends – believe it or not, and really?  Am I the ONLY girl that has ever been in this situation? So no judging, please!  He was the penis rock that I leaned on after my break-up with Mr. Love of My Life.  If there's anything I learned from this one it's that just because a guy is married, doesn’t mean he won’t cheat on his wife.  Call me naïve, but had it not been for that little sexcapade, I would have never thought otherwise.  Additionally, I learned that I am capable of having meaningless sex … I think this is a great thing when you are single and in your prime sexual age!  I’m just saying, it helps to be a robot sometimes.

4.      Mr. Almost Became My Husband.  I hate talking about this one, probably because I still feel guilty about it.  I was engaged to the best and nicest guy I have ever met and dated (until I meet my husband, of course!) … and then I left him.  He is the guy that every girl wishes she could meet and marry.  A knight in shining armor from a fairytale – that was him … and of course, I was never able to love him the way he loved me.  I went to therapy for leaving this one.  I was at a weird place in my life when we met.  He was everything that Mr. Love of My Life wasn’t and I truly thought that I wanted to settle down … but it’s hard to keep a wild bird caged, when all they want to do is fly freely (spoken like a poetic Jesus, I know).  I learned from him that there are still thousands of things I want to explore and do before I’m married with children.  Not that marriage and children are bad things, but I am not ready for that life.  I’m 95% positive that had we gotten married then, we would be divorced by now.  I don’t know if in the future I will ever regret my decision to have left him, but I do know that I wasn’t happy in that relationship and not listening to your heart can be your biggest regret of all.

5.      Mr. Accidental Heart-Breaker.  This was a VERY brief but very important occurrence in my life.  I can’t say that this guy is 100% entirely at fault for our demise; however, sometimes it’s just easier to point a finger.  I don’t think we ever got off on the right foot to begin with and we just never managed to balance out thereafter, which makes me believe that perhaps we weren't meant to meet.  Even though I can no longer stand this guy, I have no choice but to deal with the fact that I have to see him the rest of my life because of mutual friends who happen to be my family.  The reason why he made the cut on this list is simply because after the past five years (and all the bullshit and ups and downs), he was the first and only guy after Mr. Love of My Life that I actually felt a connection with.  I don’t know what it was about him, but I felt myself falling for him - I know, crazy.  I learned from him that there is hope; that even after all the heartbreaks and disappointments I still had some love in my heart and even being in my 30’s, love has not yet left my side.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! 

 

May 2014 bring you great health, an overabundance of happiness and an overindulgence of love!

We'll Just Call This One: Dominican Papi

Just when I thought I had broken free of my bad luck in dating, life decided to throw one more disaster my way ... sneaky, sneaky!

So, without further ado, let me tell y'all a little story about this past Saturday night ...

Finally, after a couple of months, I had a date! Yay!!!  Earlier last week, whilst attending a ladies' night/karaoke/happy hour (talk about a trifecta of pure awesomeness) with some friends, I met a guy - a really cute guy - we'll just call this one: Dominican Papi.  We started out by innocently eye fucking each other from across the bar, then talking, then exchanging numbers, then having some shots and beers, which eventually led to us making out in a desolate corner of the bar towards the end of the night ... I know what y'all are thinking: #swag

And so, we continued speaking everyday (morning, noon and night), for the next couple of days and agreed to hang out that Saturday night.  So far, so good.  Although there were never any specific plans set, we both agreed to meet in the city and see "where the night takes us" or in Dominican Papi's words, "let's meet up, walk around and if you get hungry, we eat; if you get thirsty, we drink" ... red flag numero uno.

Red flag numero dos: Initial meet-up time was supposed to be 9pm, which at 7:30pm, Dominican Papi called and changed it to 9:30pm - I said fine.  At 8:30pm, Dominican Papi called to tell me that he "had been in traffic", which I later found out meant, "I can't leave my house until I put the wife and kids to bed" (but please - let's not put the cart before the horse here) and so we agreed to meet up at 10pm ... and so 10pm came and I parked my car and patiently waited for him to arrive ... 10:05pm - nothing.  At 10:15pm, I decided to give him a ring and check on his ETA - no answer.  By 10:20pm, I was getting a little nervous and just when I assumed that I had gotten stood up, HE CALLED ... to tell me that he was fucking running late!!! What. the fuck.  He finally made it at 10:45pm - mother fucker.

Now, I'm not a super high maintenance kind of girl, but I do like my nice things.  When it comes to dating, there are things that I am willing to overlook (and for those of you that are easily offended, please read no further), but RED-FLAG number 3: if you are going to pick me up in your 1990 Honda Civic "hooptie edition" - just don't.  I'd rather just pick you up. But if you are going to pick me up in that car, have the fucking decency to RED-FLAG number 4: hide the TWO (yes: not one, but two; as in DOS; as in 2 little infant seats; as in the roman numeral II; as in a double whammy) baby seats you had chilling in the backseat.  Forgive me for getting ahead of myself - what was I thinking?  Of course, he couldn't pack away the kiddie seats!  There wasn't any room in the trunk with the $3000 system he had invested in his car ... I can't!  If there is anything I learned from Dominican Papi, it was: Priorities.  It's all about priorities, people!

Despite the fact that his car looked like it was being held together by a wire, I decided to give him the benefit of a doubt (all I heard in my head was my mother's voice saying: Stop being so god damn picky) and I got in.  Oh, and a little side note here: I already knew he had kids, because at the bar one of the first things we had asked each other was, 1. Are you single and 2. Do you have any kids. AND he wasn't wearing a wedding band - just saying!  I can deal with the kids, but really, bro?  Leave the fucking car seats at home. 

I was already upset because he was 45 minutes late, which didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, but I didn't want to continue beating a dead horse so I decided to let the tardiness slide ... for now.  It wasn't until about 20 minutes into our drive that we decided to have a normal conversation.  We revisited the events that transpired over the course of that Wednesday night, laughed about the crazy karaoke singing and then it happened.  He asked why, "such a pretty girl is single".  I answered his question as honestly as possible and then decided to ask him AGAIN if he was single, he said "well no, not really", so I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he answered me by saying, "No. I don't have a girlfriend" and jokingly I replied with, "Ohhh ok so you have a wife!" ... and without skipping a beat, he said YES.  And that's when I punched him in the face.  Just kidding, I still needed a ride back to my car - we were somewhere in Brooklyn for God's sake!!!

I gave him five minutes to explain why he was a douche.  I asked him to drive me back to my car and endured what was the longest, bass pumpin', but-at-the-same-time awkwardly silent, 25 minute drive back to Conan O'Brien (not the celebrity; that's what I named my car).  As I got out of his car, I went to close the door and he leaned over and said, "No! No!  Let me close it ... I don't want it to fall".  Sweet Jesus in heaven.

The Struggle continues ...

... and This is Why You Can Suck It

I’ve had no choice but to accept that I am in my early thirties, that I AM single and that I will probably be single for a little while longer.  Love?  Romance?  A relationship?  These things are just not in the cards for me right now.  Do I get sad about that? Sometimes – I mean I am, after all, a girl with a vagina and feelings and like once a month I sit at home … on a Saturday night … in my ex’s over-sized pajama pants … watching The Notebook and eating a bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups and washing them down with a bottle of Riesling.  That IS normal, right?  Again, I have learned to accept and become OK with this ...

 

What I am not OK with is THIS:

Miserable Mary's: Listen up y’all; STOP ruining it for people like me!!!  While I understand that being married is a tough job and it requires A LOT of love, work and patience, I still can’t wait to get married!  And maybe 20 years from now I will not agree with my previous statement, but the truth is I want to experience that life, too, so please stop telling me that marriage sucks!  Just because you are miserable in your current situation and you chose to settle, does not mean that I will be traveling down the same path as you.  Maybe the fact that I haven’t gotten married yet is a good thing!  Maybe because I’m going to get married later in life, my chances of divorce will significantly plummet.  Don’t try and make me miserable with you – take up a fucking hobby and go be miserable by yourself.  I have my own issues to worry about and I don't have time for yours.

Negative Nancy’s: OK ... I will admit that I am guilty of guy bashing.  Unfortunately, that little bitch called life has thrown some real winners my way, which at one point had me disgusted with guys and made me even question if I was better off as a lesbian.  Although there are certain guys that I still want to hit with my car and then go into reverse again … just to make sure - the truth is, I love guys!  I am boy crazy and I love going out and meeting a new potential friend? Fuck buddy? Activity partner? Future whatever?  What I have learned is that men AND women alike, are only as good as the person they are seeking.  Not all guys are assholes, sometimes they just engage in asshole behavior.  "Sometimes, you attract the lifestyle you live", I read that quote once and I couldn't agree with it more.  Perhaps, the guys I’ve been meeting are not “bad” guys; they just haven’t been good for me.  For the right girl, these “assholes” will be the knight in shining armor that they’ve been waiting for their entire lives.  Maybe people meet under false pretenses and a potential relationship is just doomed from the start.  Perhaps, we get confused and start looking for the wrong things (that we THINK we want) in people OR maybe we are looking for the RIGHT things in the WRONG people.  Regardless of the situation, it is not right to dog someone out or judge them.  Life happens; shit happens – let it go and move on.  Besides, us girls aren’t perfect either – I’m sure there are a few guys out there that want to stab us in the eye with a spoon (yes, a spoon - I assume it would hurt more).

The Saviors: Alllllllriiiiight folks, I don't even know where to begin with this ... These are the people that feel sorry for you and look at you like you're a helpless puppy that is about to be Euthanized and so they feel the need to save you from being single by setting you up with the person that is not right for you in any way, shape or form.  Although I do thank you for "looking out", the truth is I don't wish to be saved.  First things first, stop asking me, "Why are you single?”  I don't know why I'm single - Why are you an annoying dick?  These are just questions that we may never have the answers to ... aaaaand just to TRY and answer your question, maybe I'm single because I don't want to get hurt again; maybe I'm single because I haven't met that ONE person whose shit I want to deal with for the rest of my life; maybe I'm single because I haven't met anyone that can handle my kind of crazy or perhaps ... and hold on to your panties for this one ... perhaps, I'm single because it can be pretty awesome and I just choose to be!  There is nothing wrong with being single, stop looking at me like I have an incurable disease.  Sure, at times, I might get lonely and I might feel like the 3rd wheel when I'm with my coupled/married friends, but a relationship doesn't necessarily eliminate the feeling of loneliness; being happy and complete with oneself does that.  BOOM!

      I want you all to know that just because I have not met my other half, it does not mean that I am not happy and living life.  I have my moments, but who doesn't?  I have been waiting for a loooooooooooong time to meet my future husband; my patience is starting to wear thin - but I will keep on waiting!  I imagine him being the cop that pulls me over for speeding or perhaps the mail courier guy that delivers packages (not his package, of course) to my office or maybe the guy that is at the Laundromat on a Sunday night ... haha just kidding - I don't do laundry, I drop that shit off!  Either way, don't you worry, I'll be just fine ... and this is why you can suck it!