When It Comes To Life ...

If circa 1995 you were to ask me how I envisioned my life, I would say that I was 150% positive that by now I would be some rich man’s trophy wife (minus the trophy part, because I’m not super model hot … I’m like fat and really pretty), probably working on my third or fourth child, driving around in a fancy SUV because ewww, mini van’s – and going to yoga class, because hello!?  That’s what rich trophy wives do!

… Let’s fast forward to 2015: I am not rich; I am far from any type of trophy anything; I’m still debating if I even want children; I drive a 2012 Civic coupe and I work a regular 9-5p.

No rich men ever chased me – thanks for the false hope Julia Roberts.  No.  Wait.  I’m not a prostitute either.

When I turned 30, I had to reevaluate my life and priorities.  I NOW like to think of myself as belonging to that new generation of women that have somehow submerged from the depths of some angelic hell over the last couple years – you know who they are; you see them everywhere: the selfish, sexually free 30 something year olds; the ones that still party and wander around with a bottle of wine or tequila, in their hands.  They are independent and career minded and have zero tolerance for bulls#!%.  I like this life better.

Which brings me to my next point: Career or Family?

Everyone around me is getting engaged, married and/or having kids - except ME.  I'll go crazy if I start thinking about it.  So,  I stopped focusing on everyone around me and stopped caring about what everyone felt I should do with my life.  Here’s my metaphor: I’ve walked down that road, hit some bumps along the way.  I’ve fallen, dusted myself off and gotten back up and now?  I’ve arrived at the fork in the road and I choose career.

Don’t be fooled by my words - I’m a hopeless romantic and deep, deep, deep, deep like really deep down inside I want to get married and maybe have a kid or two.  But not right now.  I gave that thing called romance a try and failed so hard.  Some may say, “why not have both!?”  While this is true and very attainable - love/relationships/marriage/kids are just not in the cards for me right now.  I actually can’t help but cringe at the thought.

The world has given me the opportunity to start over in a new career and to travel – my “freedom” has allowed for me to pursue my long time dream - a new venture; a semi-new life!  I encourage all women to do this.  I wish I would have done this ten years ago, but I was too busy chasing love instead and partying my life away.  Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I am not the same person I was ten years ago.

I want women to know that it is ok to be that girl: The one that chases her dreams and gets lost in them before finding the better version of herself; the one that doesn’t conform to society's ideologies; the one that dances along to the beat of her own drum.  Don’t listen to everyone else.  Don't feel like you failed because you aren't where everyone else is or expects you to or says you should be.  Take a moment and think about your true desires.  Right now, mine don’t involve a husband or children.  I stopped chasing love and I chose to love me instead.  and guess what!?  My life is slowly, FINALLY, falling into place.

I’ve always heard that love happens when you stop looking for it.  I do believe that … and I see you, Love.  I see what you are trying to do … thank you for not leaving my side.  But for now, I have to say: Love, I’ll see you as soon as I get back from pursuing my dreams.

Thursday Morning Humor ...

Am I the only person faced with humiliation?  Because apparently, I forgot that dating someone on a consistent basis meant subjecting yourself to vulnerability; that in getting to know someone or someone getting to know you meant inevitably exposing all your flaws!

Here, let me be more specific, in no particular order, I give to you a list of the most embarrassing things that have ever happened while dating you:

1.  You took me to a fancy Italian Restaurant for my birthday (I don't normally date guys that take me out to fancy anything) and I couldn't even pronounce the plate names on the menu!!!  So I asked you to order for me (you said, "No, it wouldn't be right") and I proceeded to tell you that I was having a Pretty Woman moment - and opted for a soup instead, because it's all I could pronounce. 

2.  In that same dinner, I became so nervous, that I began telling you a story about how I once went to go see a Flamingo dancing show.  Not Flamenco ............... FLAMINGO.

3. My first ever drunk text to you.

4. I slept over your house another time and I may or may not have woken myself up from a deep sleep with a loud-ass fart.  Ugh.  This incident cannot be confirmed nor denied because I chose to never ask you about it.  #justpretenditdidnthappen because lets be honest: GIRLS. DONT. FART.  or shit. or have assholes, for that matter.

5. I lied to you about being sick w a stomach virus because I didn't want you to NOT come over that day.  I'm sorry you had to deal with my gastrointestinal problem.  but hey,  #icebreaker.

6. When my past was revealed ... dare I say it?  Eskimos brothers.

7.  and again when my past kept rearing it's ugly head (Hey babe!  I have a great idea!  Let's play the "how many numbers" game)

8. Getting out of the shower and getting dressed/undressed in front of you.  Double UGH

9. You've seen me drink 2.5 bottles of wine.  By myself.  To the face.  Like a mutha fuckin champ

10. The first time I drank in front of you, I asked you 3455654643 times if it was OK to smoke a cigarette in front of you.  Thank you for not punching me in the face  =)

11.  KARAOKE. 

12.  When you discovered my old, but super comfy yoga-turned-pajama pants with all the holes in the inner thigh.

13. We went out to eat for a Lobster festival one lovely Friday afternoon.  One of my favorite dates thus far aka Top Gun Part Deux.  The next morning my stomach did not agree with all the lobster yumminess we indulged in the afternoon before.  I purposely woke up at like 5:30a to unleash hell in your bathroom.  Fortunately for me, you woke up shortly after and proceeded to use the bathroom after me.  Again, we can add this to the list of things to #justpretenditdidnthappen.  I'm sorry.

14. When I admitted my true fear of open doors to you "Because Ghosts and shit".

and lastly,

15.  Our first BBQ together.

I would add more stories and embarrass you, but let's just keep this one about me.  In the meantime, thank you for not judging me.

THe struggle continues.

That One Tiny Regret ...

What's that saying?  Don't regret your decisions because at one point it was exactly what you wanted and now you are a better person for it and blah, blah, blah *rolling eyes into an oblivion* ...

Maybe this is true.  Maybe they are just words that help us get through the regret of the mistake we just dove into head first - sort of like a false sense of hope.  Maybe we were just under the influence of alcohol and really?  Who. The fuck. Thinks clearly then. 

My point is that I've definitely made mistakes ... haven't we all?  I usually am not one to regret my mistakes, because I make a lot and generally I just tend to not give a fuck, but sometimes, SOME-TIMES, I get weak and there's that one tiiiiiiiny regret that slips its way through the cracks of my subconscious and comes back to haunt me.  Here is my story ...

 

The Temptation: He sets his eyes on you and makes the first move.  You know he's all wrong for you.  He's the dark, mysterious, player type.  It's written all over his face.  He's the man your mother warned you about, but my God how much fun that man is.  With those shifty eyes that are always looking for a better deal, if he doesn't already have one waiting ... but you are an enchantress (maybe that's the alcohol working) and at this point your brain has made you believe that your clamburger possesses the magical sorcery needed to convert this (otherwise unexplainably appealing) asshole into a one woman kind of man. 

 

But like the little devious vagina whisperer that he is, he says all the right things - lies, to be exact, but they are such beautiful lies.  He knows how to make you feel like you are the only woman in the world and no matter how hard to try to fight it, before you even know it ... your favorite panties are somewhere across the room never to be found again.

Will all the ladies personally victimized by this type of seducer please raise your hands!!!

United we stand, ladies ...


The Waiting Game:  We are all adults, so let's just own up to the deed that was done.  This guy was trouble from the moment you saw him and you fought temptation like a warrior but you caved like a weakling.  Half of you believes that he will actually keep wanting to see you and the other half knows that the fun ends after all is said and done ... and so, like an optimistic, naïve, little girl you wait ever-so-patiently by that phone ...

but girl! #letsbehonest, he ain't calling.

It's ok.

It's not ok.

Was it me?  My clamburger?

It is what it is.

Such is life.

Que sera, sera ... 

Should I keep going?  At least you can look back and say you got a fun lay out of it ... AmIRiiiiiiiiiiight!? No.  No, you are not right - this sucks ass.  Regret consumes every fiber of your being.

... and so 2 months have now gone by and just as you and your little clamburger have regained 95% of their self-confidence back and have moved on from the situation, the Devil rears his ugly face with a fucking phone call!!!

Enter: mini-heart attack ... because let's keep it real, at first you're all:

because vaginas and emotions, that's why.

but then he begins speaking and it makes your brain hurt and then you're all:

 

because that game gets lame and boring and now he just needs to shut the fuck up and roll off a cliff *sighs* had you only been smarter ... So just be strong and hang up that phone (ignore the voice of regret) with your dignity still intact because for every asshole we encounter I like to believe that there is a good man out there, right around the corner, waiting to cross our path ... unless, like a typical female we friend zone him and fuck that up, too.

So until then, when regret starts creeping in, remember:

Chin up, Princess!

An Open Letter To You ...

Dear You:

I recently wrote my first blog for the 2015 year, which went something along the lines of explaining why I will continue to be the same awesomely selfish me as opposed to succumbing to the whole "New Year New Me" idealist crap. I am not looking retract any of my statements as I do NOT ever regret anything that I write, but I feel that perhaps it was a very opinionated and biased piece and I would therefore like to rectify the way in which my own words might have made you perceive me.

So, let's just put it out there:  You and I have lived very different lives since I could remember:

I have always been selfish.  The spoiled and bratty little sister with absolutely no one to think about but herself. I have to wake up every day, make sure I make it to work (on time), collect my paycheck every week, pay my bills, save some money and make sure I have enough to go and party on the weekend or enough to plan my next vacation. That is my life.

YOU have always been the selfless older sister.  Your life, consists of keeping a clean home, working, paying bills, tending to your husband, making sure things get done, running errands, cooking for your family, taking care of your children – making sure they are loved, safe, not hungry, clean, sheltered, bathed and you do this all before even taking care of your own needs. I don’t even think I've begun to scratch the surface of all the hard work and dedication you put forth.

I get it. I see it.

Through our many talks and fights and cries, I want you to know that I've embraced my life mainly because I have no other choice.  I know you all want to see me settled down and married, but it's just not in the cards for me.  I can either lock myself up in a room and cry about it or I can take the higher road and make the most of the NOW … I think I’ll choose the latter.  And so, that is me: I’m a single, childless, happy as can be, free, 32 year old woman.  That is who I am ... and that is the life I live: the life of a single, childless, happy as can be, free, 32 year old woman.  I don’t want you to read that statement and think I’m insinuating that married woman and mothers are miserable and confined, because that is far from the truth.  I applaud you, as a mother and wife; however, I am aware that there is a freedom that comes with being in my situation and I’m going to enjoy it and gloat in it while I still can.

Not so long ago, I got to see up close what goes into a marriage and having kids and while it is obvious that not every situation is the same, it did reassure my reservations about getting hitched and popping out some mini me’s.  I have yet to experience the beauty of what real unconditional love is: the love that knows no boundaries and tests your strengths and capabilities and your sanity and that more often than not, will wear your patience thin; the love that you feel in your heart when you come home and your little baby boys look at you, with their lit up eyes and a smile so warm and a laugh so genuine and innocent that it makes you forget all the hurt and sadness and trials that life, at times, throws at you.  I hope to one day have that - but until that day, I need you to understand that THAT is not the life I'm choosing to live ... for right now.  But as selfish as I can be, I can also love (in my own weird way) the only way that a sister or a super cool, free-spirited Aunt know how to and there is nothing selfish about that.

<3

Sweet Dee and Nat Da Brat 4 evaaaaaa!!!

New Year, Same Selfish Me

The words I am about to write are in no way meant to offend or get a rise out of those who might not agree with my expressed opinion.  As stated, this is merely my opinion, which is based on my own personal life experiences.  I write to express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, I hope that my words can touch those that share my same sentiments but haven’t found their own voice to express the same.

I have spent a huge chunk of my adult life searching for a boyfriend; a husband … “The One”, if you will.  I've received nothing in return but a string of poor decisions, awful experiences, unwarranted heartache and emotional turmoil.  I have no idea why or when I drilled it into my head that I NEEDED to be married by 25, with my first child by 28 and my last by 34 (I've come close - I was engaged twice) and it has done NOTHING but stress me the FUCK out.  I've always referred to myself as a lost soul always trying to find my way.  My closest friends could probably tell you that it has been my life mission to find a husband no. matter. what.  It didn’t make matters any better when everyone around me was either getting engaged, getting married or birthing some offspring:  You haven’t seen crazy like Natalia circa 2012, let me tell you.

And so, I started off 2014 with that “New Year, New Me” mentality and I swore to the heavens that THIS would be MY YEAR of TRUE LOVE!  I wished for it so hard that when I FINALLY attained it, I destroyed what otherwise would have maybe, quite possibly been a good, solid relationship.  I’m not saying that I was 100% at fault, because (let’s be honest) I wasn’t, but for the sake of an argument, let’s just say I was somewhat at fault.  Anyway, I’ve digressed … ** Here’s a little cliché: They say the grass is always greener ** I’m not really sure who “they” are, but I’m assuming it’s those people who are now bitter and living in regret for not choosing the path they REALLY wanted to take because they were too scared to do so.  Anyway, after wishing for a boyfriend for so long, I finally got one and guess what?  The grass was greener after all - when I was single and living selfishly for ME.  With no regrets, I walked away from that mess and chose to pursue the dream career I’ve had sitting on the back burner for quite some time.

For me, marriage?  Kids?!  No.  FUCK that noise.

I don’t know how I will feel in the next 6 to 12 months (never say never) but for now, I will say this:  I have been around way too many babies and couples to know that I do NOT want nor do I need a serious relationship in my life right now, let alone children.  I am NOT mentally ready to give up my habitual drinking lifestyle AND freedom in order to take care of a little me.  I LOVE my nephews and niece more than myself, but I also love that I can give them back when shit gets real.  Maybe, I actually want to be that drunk aunt that fucks up Christmas (just kidding, I liven that shit up!!!), maybe I can just start 2015 with a cat?!  and truth be told - a girl's gotta eat and my no strings attached options?  Not ready to give those up yet (and yes, I just admitted that).  Sorry, not sorry.

Douglas Adams said it best, “I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I needed to be” … and I’ll tell you where that is Dougie: Most certainly not in a hospital delivering a baby … but wherever it is, rest assured, there will selfishly be a drink in my hand.

Cheers to 2015!!!

Bathroom Love ...

Dear Kiko:

We met by chance in a winsome little bar in Williamsburg on Saturday night.  I was out with family for the night with no expectations of meeting ANYONE, so little that I had on my "I don't give a fuck I'm just going out for a beer or 4" outfit.

... and then, I had to pee.

As I walked down the stairs into a creepy dim-lit narrow hallway, there you were - standing - up against the wall. and all I could see was your back ... quite a handsome back if I do say so myself.

I stood in line behind you patiently waiting my turn, but I had to pee soooooooooo bad.  So, I gracefully tapped you on the shoulder and asked if each stall was for, "guys and girls or are these gender neutral".  To which you replied, "I'm sorry doll, it's for both".  Doll.  DOLL.  *swoons* ... and then you introduced yourself and stuck out your hand out to shake mine - like a true gentleman.  Now, normally, because of all this Ebola hoopla and because we were on line of a not-so-clean bathroom, I wouldn't have touched you, but you were so you and you spoke to my soul when you said how much you loved wine and the vineyards, I just couldn't resist the urge to take your hand in mine.

SIDE NOTE to my readers:  He washed his hands and even dried them properly with 2 paper towels and disposed of said paper towels in the appropriate receptacle and not on the floor.

You asked for my number and I left the bar shortly thereafter.

You haven't yet called.

Kiko, did I offend you in any way by the bathroom?  I'm sorry I stared at you while you engaged in your act of cleanliness.  Did I look too sweaty?  It was just so hot in that damn bar - I mean who puts on heat this time of year!?! It hasn't even reached the mid-40's yet!  We were so inappropriately close to each other on that line, was my breath smelling too hoppy!?!?  I usually have gum on me (I'm always so conscious about these things), but what can you really fit into a wristlet?

Maybe I'll hear from you, but if I never do ... I hope you continue to chase your dreams with your sexy 'stache and a wine glass in your clean, urine free hands.

Until next time ...

That Moment In My Life Where I Channeled Oprah ...

You have to forgive me, it's been almost 10 months since I last blogged about ANYTHING at all.  I have to be honest, we were a little preoccupied with a little something called a relationship (and by we, I mean my vagina and I) - consistency is nice, I must say.


Any who ... I spend the first half of the year in a relationship with that good guy that I took a chance on.  SPOILER ALERT: It didn't workout - and that's okay.  There really isn't much to say about it - Life brought someone into my life for a reason and took him out of my life for a reason.

Through every break-up or whatever relationship bullshit I've dealt with in my life I always tend to walk away looking and feeling like that moment when your DVR decided NOT to record the last 10 mins of the season finale cliffhanger of your favorite show.  This time though, it was different ...

Just after the relationship ended, for about a day or two I had that moment.  My Pepa patiently sat on the phone with me, for about an hour, and just listened while I bawled my eyes out.  I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of the things I did wrong in the relationship and why at 32 years old, I had failed as a woman and couldn't even make ONE relationship work ... then @ 7am when I woke up for work, it happened.  At some point during the night of trauma, I had gone to bed a broken woman and woke up as Oprah.

It was a beautiful moment for me.  I wasn't sad or hurt, I felt empowered.  I had finally realized the beauty of being in a relationship in my 30's.  I knew what it was I wanted in life and I stood up for the things I believed in.  And while no one is ever perfect, I knew in my heart that I was never anything less than a good woman to this person.  Unfortunately, I was never able to make them happy, but I'll tell you what I was able to do, tell them to go fuck themselves for treating me as if I was a worthless piece of shit.  I never used those exact words - I am a lady after-all and sometimes we just have to suppress that language and #keepitclassy, ladies.

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting.  Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to.  Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us" - Emery Allen

Not long after the break-up I stumbled upon this quote and of course, it made perfectly good sense.  Not everything is meant to be ever-lasting and this person walked into my life to teach me that I DO love myself, enough to respect myself and know that it was time to walk away and for that I thank you and I wish you all the best.

YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF - EVERYYYBODYYYY CAN FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!   <3

Until next time ...