Monday, December 29, 2014

New Year, Same Selfish Me

The words I am about to write are in no way meant to offend or get a rise out of those who might not agree with my expressed opinion.  As stated, this is merely my opinion, which is based on my own personal life experiences.  I write to express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, I hope that my words can touch those that share my same sentiments but haven’t found their own voice to express the same.

I have spent a huge chunk of my adult life searching for a boyfriend; a husband … “The One”, if you will.  I've received nothing in return but a string of poor decisions, awful experiences, unwarranted heartache and emotional turmoil.  I have no idea why or when I drilled it into my head that I NEEDED to be married by 25, with my first child by 28 and my last by 34 (I've come close - I was engaged twice) and it has done NOTHING but stress me the FUCK out.  I've always referred to myself as a lost soul always trying to find my way.  My closest friends could probably tell you that it has been my life mission to find a husband no. matter. what.  It didn’t make matters any better when everyone around me was either getting engaged, getting married or birthing some offspring:  You haven’t seen crazy like Natalia circa 2012, let me tell you.

And so, I started off 2014 with that “New Year, New Me” mentality and I swore to the heavens that THIS would be MY YEAR of TRUE LOVE!  I wished for it so hard that when I FINALLY attained it, I destroyed what otherwise would have maybe, quite possibly been a good, solid relationship.  I’m not saying that I was 100% at fault, because (let’s be honest) I wasn’t, but for the sake of an argument, let’s just say I was somewhat at fault.  Anyway, I’ve digressed … ** Here’s a little clich√©: They say the grass is always greener ** I’m not really sure who “they” are, but I’m assuming it’s those people who are now bitter and living in regret for not choosing the path they REALLY wanted to take because they were too scared to do so.  Anyway, after wishing for a boyfriend for so long, I finally got one and guess what?  The grass was greener after all - when I was single and living selfishly for ME.  With no regrets, I walked away from that mess and chose to pursue the dream career I’ve had sitting on the back burner for quite some time.

For me, marriage?  Kids?!  No.  FUCK that noise.

I don’t know how I will feel in the next 6 to 12 months (never say never) but for now, I will say this:  I have been around way too many babies and couples to know that I do NOT want nor do I need a serious relationship in my life right now, let alone children.  I am NOT mentally ready to give up my habitual drinking lifestyle AND freedom in order to take care of a little me.  I LOVE my nephews and niece more than myself, but I also love that I can give them back when shit gets real.  Maybe, I actually want to be that drunk aunt that fucks up Christmas (just kidding, I liven that shit up!!!), maybe I can just start 2015 with a cat?!  and truth be told - a girl's gotta eat and my no strings attached options?  Not ready to give those up yet (and yes, I just admitted that).  Sorry, not sorry.

Douglas Adams said it best, “I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I needed to be” … and I’ll tell you where that is Dougie: Most certainly not in a hospital delivering a baby … but wherever it is, rest assured, there will selfishly be a drink in my hand.

Cheers to 2015!!!

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