Friday, December 13, 2013

The 5 Most Important Guys That Have Helped Shape My Life

It’s that very special and important time of the year: The end of 2013.  I want to thank everyone that has been by my side this past year, especially emotionally.  We all know I’ve been a little difficult to handle, but alas now y’all get to forgive me for all the wrongs I’ve committed.  Aside from good friends, I think I need to take a moment to reflect on the people (my exes) that have had their hand in making me the person that I am today.  I feel like sometimes they don’t get the credit that they deserve …
1.      Mr. I’m The Man and You Are My Subordinate Wife. He was special … but in that Ike Turner kind of way; pretty much my first serious boyfriend.  I was 18 (young and dumb), and I REALLY thought that this was love.  Even though he wasn’t “my first”, he definitely unleashed the little sex kitten that had been lying dormant within me (thank you for making my sex life as amazing as it has been).  In that aspect, I learned A LOT from him – but it ends there.  I changed who I was for this guy and even gave up my friends to make him happy.  I’m embarrassed to mention everything else that took place in that relationship.  At the end of it all, no one was happy because my loneliness and misery lead to his misery, which then led to a series of ugly and dangerous fights.  He was the epitome of what a controlling, male-chauvinist is … I’m surprised he never tried to cut off my clit and toss it into a bucket.

 2.      Mr. Love of My Life.  He was the rebound that lasted 6 years that took me 3 years to get over.  I immediately began dating him after No.1 – like literally – like 2 weeks after.  I could write a 400 page article about Mr. Love of My Life, but I promise to keep it under 400 words instead.  We broke up because we had to, not because we wanted to.  I’m about to get corny in 3 … 2 … 1 … Our love was once like a beautiful flower that eventually began to slowly wilt away (You’re welcome Shakespeare).  I learned from Mr. Love of My Life what is to truly love with your heart, body and soul: That head-over-heels, dizzy, sick-to-your-stomach, no one-else-exists, heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-chest, natural-head rush-high, walk-on-hot-coals-for-you kind of love.  He and I had a connection that I had never felt with anyone before.  He did show me kindness, emotional support, sincerity and A LOT of love and how to enjoy life but he also had his issues and insecurities.  He had a lot of growing up to do and eventually, the possibility of a future with him slowly began to dissipate.  The bad boy that was good just for me and I will always love him.  Always.

3.      Mr. Friend with Benefits.  Although married, we developed a great friendship and one day, things just went straight to the next level.  This is not something that I am proud of y'all, but it was also something that was never planned.  We seriously were just friends – believe it or not, and really?  Am I the ONLY girl that has ever been in this situation? So no judging, please!  He was the penis rock that I leaned on after my break-up with Mr. Love of My Life.  If there's anything I learned from this one it's that just because a guy is married, doesn’t mean he won’t cheat on his wife.  Call me na├»ve, but had it not been for that little sexcapade, I would have never thought otherwise.  Additionally, I learned that I am capable of having meaningless sex … I think this is a great thing when you are single and in your prime sexual age!  I’m just saying, it helps to be a robot sometimes.

4.      Mr. Almost Became My Husband.  I hate talking about this one, probably because I still feel guilty about it.  I was engaged to the best and nicest guy I have ever met and dated (until I meet my husband, of course!) … and then I left him.  He is the guy that every girl wishes she could meet and marry.  A knight in shining armor from a fairytale – that was him … and of course, I was never able to love him the way he loved me.  I went to therapy for leaving this one.  I was at a weird place in my life when we met.  He was everything that Mr. Love of My Life wasn’t and I truly thought that I wanted to settle down … but it’s hard to keep a wild bird caged, when all they want to do is fly freely (spoken like a poetic Jesus, I know).  I learned from him that there are still thousands of things I want to explore and do before I’m married with children.  Not that marriage and children are bad things, but I am not ready for that life.  I’m 95% positive that had we gotten married then, we would be divorced by now.  I don’t know if in the future I will ever regret my decision to have left him, but I do know that I wasn’t happy in that relationship and not listening to your heart can be your biggest regret of all.

5.      Mr. Accidental Heart-Breaker.  This was a VERY brief but very important occurrence in my life.  I can’t say that this guy is 100% entirely at fault for our demise; however, sometimes it’s just easier to point a finger.  I don’t think we ever got off on the right foot to begin with and we just never managed to balance out thereafter, which makes me believe that perhaps we weren't meant to meet.  Even though I can no longer stand this guy, I have no choice but to deal with the fact that I have to see him the rest of my life because of mutual friends who happen to be my family.  The reason why he made the cut on this list is simply because after the past five years (and all the bullshit and ups and downs), he was the first and only guy after Mr. Love of My Life that I actually felt a connection with.  I don’t know what it was about him, but I felt myself falling for him - I know, crazy.  I learned from him that there is hope; that even after all the heartbreaks and disappointments I still had some love in my heart and even being in my 30’s, love has not yet left my side.

May 2014 bring you great health, an overabundance of happiness and an overindulgence of love!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

We'll Just Call This One: Dominican Papi

Just when I thought I had broken free of my bad luck in dating, life decided to throw one more disaster my way ... sneaky, sneaky!

So, without further ado, let me tell y'all a little story about this past Saturday night ...

Finally, after a couple of months, I had a date! Yay!!!  Earlier last week, whilst attending a ladies' night/karaoke/happy hour (talk about a trifecta of pure awesomeness) with some friends, I met a guy - a really cute guy - we'll just call this one: Dominican Papi.  We started out by innocently eye fucking each other from across the bar, then talking, then exchanging numbers, then having some shots and beers, which eventually led to us making out in a desolate corner of the bar towards the end of the night ... I know what y'all are thinking: #swag

And so, we continued speaking everyday (morning, noon and night), for the next couple of days and agreed to hang out that Saturday night.  So far, so good.  Although there were never any specific plans set, we both agreed to meet in the city and see "where the night takes us" or in Dominican Papi's words, "let's meet up, walk around and if you get hungry, we eat; if you get thirsty, we drink" ... red flag numero uno.

Red flag numero dos: Initial meet-up time was supposed to be 9pm, which at 7:30pm, Dominican Papi called and changed it to 9:30pm - I said fine.  At 8:30pm, Dominican Papi called to tell me that he "had been in traffic", which I later found out meant, "I can't leave my house until I put the wife and kids to bed" (but please - let's not put the cart before the horse here) and so we agreed to meet up at 10pm ... and so 10pm came and I parked my car and patiently waited for him to arrive ... 10:05pm - nothing.  At 10:15pm, I decided to give him a ring and check on his ETA - no answer.  By 10:20pm, I was getting a little nervous and just when I assumed that I had gotten stood up, HE CALLED ... to tell me that he was fucking running late!!! What. the fuck.  He finally made it at 10:45pm - mother fucker.

Now, I'm not a super high maintenance kind of girl, but I do like my nice things.  When it comes to dating, there are things that I am willing to overlook (and for those of you that are easily offended, please read no further), but RED-FLAG number 3: if you are going to pick me up in your 1990 Honda Civic "hooptie edition" - just don't.  I'd rather just pick you up. But if you are going to pick me up in that car, have the fucking decency to RED-FLAG number 4: hide the TWO (yes: not one, but two; as in DOS; as in 2 little infant seats; as in the roman numeral II; as in a double whammy) baby seats you had chilling in the backseat.  Forgive me for getting ahead of myself - what was I thinking?  Of course, he couldn't pack away the kiddie seats!  There wasn't any room in the trunk with the $3000 system he had invested in his car ... I can't!  If there is anything I learned from Dominican Papi, it was: Priorities.  It's all about priorities, people!

Despite the fact that his car looked like it was being held together by a wire, I decided to give him the benefit of a doubt (all I heard in my head was my mother's voice saying: Stop being so god damn picky) and I got in.  Oh, and a little side note here: I already knew he had kids, because at the bar one of the first things we had asked each other was, 1. Are you single and 2. Do you have any kids. AND he wasn't wearing a wedding band - just saying!  I can deal with the kids, but really, bro?  Leave the fucking car seats at home. 

I was already upset because he was 45 minutes late, which didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, but I didn't want to continue beating a dead horse so I decided to let the tardiness slide ... for now.  It wasn't until about 20 minutes into our drive that we decided to have a normal conversation.  We revisited the events that transpired over the course of that Wednesday night, laughed about the crazy karaoke singing and then it happened.  He asked why, "such a pretty girl is single".  I answered his question as honestly as possible and then decided to ask him AGAIN if he was single, he said "well no, not really", so I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he answered me by saying, "No. I don't have a girlfriend" and jokingly I replied with, "Ohhh ok so you have a wife!" ... and without skipping a beat, he said YES.  And that's when I punched him in the face.  Just kidding, I still needed a ride back to my car - we were somewhere in Brooklyn for God's sake!!!

I gave him five minutes to explain why he was a douche.  I asked him to drive me back to my car and endured what was the longest, bass pumpin', but-at-the-same-time awkwardly silent, 25 minute drive back to Conan O'Brien (not the celebrity; that's what I named my car).  As I got out of his car, I went to close the door and he leaned over and said, "No! No!  Let me close it ... I don't want it to fall".  Sweet Jesus in heaven.

The Struggle continues ...

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

... and This is Why You Can Suck It

I’ve had no choice but to accept that I am in my early thirties, that I AM single and that I will probably be single for a little while longer.  Love?  Romance?  A relationship?  These things are just not in the cards for me right now.  Do I get sad about that? Sometimes – I mean I am, after all, a girl with a vagina and feelings and like once a month I sit at home … on a Saturday night … in my ex’s over-sized pajama pants … watching The Notebook and eating a bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups and washing them down with a bottle of Riesling.  That IS normal, right?  Again, I have learned to accept and become OK with this ...
What I am not OK with is THIS:
Miserable Mary's: Listen up y’all; STOP ruining it for people like me!!!  While I understand that being married is a tough job and it requires A LOT of love, work and patience, I still can’t wait to get married!  And maybe 20 years from now I will not agree with my previous statement, but the truth is I want to experience that life, too, so please stop telling me that marriage sucks!  Just because you are miserable in your current situation and you chose to settle, does not mean that I will be traveling down the same path as you.  Maybe the fact that I haven’t gotten married yet is a good thing!  Maybe because I’m going to get married later in life, my chances of divorce will significantly plummet.  Don’t try and make me miserable with you – take up a fucking hobby and go be miserable by yourself.  I have my own issues to worry about and I don't have time for yours.

Negative Nancy’s: OK ... I will admit that I am guilty of guy bashing.  Unfortunately, that little bitch called life has thrown some real winners my way, which at one point had me disgusted with guys and made me even question if I was better off as a lesbian.  Although there are certain guys that I still want to hit with my car and then go into reverse again … just to make sure - the truth is, I love guys!  I am boy crazy and I love going out and meeting a new potential friend? Fuck buddy? Activity partner? Future whatever?  What I have learned is that men AND women alike, are only as good as the person they are seeking.  Not all guys are assholes, sometimes they just engage in asshole behavior.  "Sometimes, you attract the lifestyle you live", I read that quote once and I couldn't agree with it more.  Perhaps, the guys I’ve been meeting are not “bad” guys; they just haven’t been good for me.  For the right girl, these “assholes” will be the knight in shining armor that they’ve been waiting for their entire lives.  Maybe people meet under false pretenses and a potential relationship is just doomed from the start.  Perhaps, we get confused and start looking for the wrong things (that we THINK we want) in people OR maybe we are looking for the RIGHT things in the WRONG people.  Regardless of the situation, it is not right to dog someone out or judge them.  Life happens; shit happens – let it go and move on.  Besides, us girls aren’t perfect either – I’m sure there are a few guys out there that want to stab us in the eye with a spoon (yes, a spoon - I assume it would hurt more).

The Saviors: Alllllllriiiiight folks, I don't even know where to begin with this ... These are the people that feel sorry for you and look at you like you're a helpless puppy that is about to be Euthanized and so they feel the need to save you from being single by setting you up with the person that is not right for you in any way, shape or form.  Although I do thank you for "looking out", the truth is I don't wish to be saved.  First things first, stop asking me, "Why are you single?”  I don't know why I'm single - Why are you an annoying dick?  These are just questions that we may never have the answers to ... aaaaand just to TRY and answer your question, maybe I'm single because I don't want to get hurt again; maybe I'm single because I haven't met that ONE person whose shit I want to deal with for the rest of my life; maybe I'm single because I haven't met anyone that can handle my kind of crazy or perhaps ... and hold on to your panties for this one ... perhaps, I'm single because it can be pretty awesome and I just choose to be!  There is nothing wrong with being single, stop looking at me like I have an incurable disease.  Sure, at times, I might get lonely and I might feel like the 3rd wheel when I'm with my coupled/married friends, but a relationship doesn't necessarily eliminate the feeling of loneliness; being happy and complete with oneself does that.  BOOM!

      I want you all to know that just because I have not met my other half, it does not mean that I am not happy and living life.  I have my moments, but who doesn't?  I have been waiting for a loooooooooooong time to meet my future husband; my patience is starting to wear thin - but I will keep on waiting!  I imagine him being the cop that pulls me over for speeding or perhaps the mail courier guy that delivers packages (not his package, of course) to my office or maybe the guy that is at the Laundromat on a Sunday night ... haha just kidding - I don't do laundry, I drop that shit off!  Either way, don't you worry, I'll be just fine ... and this is why you can suck it!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Why Guys Should Just Stick To Playing Video Games

Apparently, Eros (the God of love) took a break from his hard life of wooing women to enlighten all of us with his judgmental, biased, double standard, male-chauvinist point of view and when I say Eros I mean Preston Waters, the guy that wrote a gem of an article titled, “Why Good Girls Have Become Unicorns”. 

The writer actually makes ONE valid point in stating that, “We live in a world where sex has lost its value … and women have changed drastically and are living in the moment and having fun”.  However, just because women have become more open with their sexuality and have become more carefree and independent, that does not mean that we are no longer good people.  To me, that simply means that we are more aware and in control of our lives.  In fact, I’m going to push the envelope a little further here and say that I find the writer of the article to be a coward that feels threatened by how sexually empowered women have become because he probably isn’t man enough to handle one.  Don’t get me wrong, I am one that still believes in chivalry, but I’m taking this opportunity to make my life the best one I’ve ever had and if that means sleeping with a few frogs before I find my Prince well so be it, because if you can have fun, I can too.

“For men it’s great that these women have decided to become just like us” – but at the same time you are arguing that good women are now unicorns.  Let me explain something, women did not just wake up one morning and decide to act like men.  People (both male AND female) have been engaging in sexual acts, of all kinds, with one another since Babylonian times, but through the ages the taboo has slowly been lifted.  Does it bother you that women can now play the same game probably better than you ever could?  Mr. Waters goes on to state that women are now more independent and that we should definitely encourage that independence, but in the following paragraph states how we are now thirsty for attention and then something about drugs and cocaine and being easy and that no one stays hot forever and just a slew of uncorrelated garbage that I am STILL trying to digest.  “Men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots” … discussion closed.
Mr. Waters let me tell you something about us girls: we are all good, but like any other human being in this world we, at times, make bad decisions … like when these poor girls decided to sleep with you, but those bad decisions don’t make us a bad person.  Since when did it become your right to judge others on their sexual activity?  Everyone has a past filled with good and bad decisions, but the only person that has to deal with the consequences of those decisions is the actual person making those decisions.  We are too quick to judge someone for being too prudish or too promiscuous, but who cares.  One is not better than the other.  Since when did having sex make you a bad person?  So what if someone has had a lot more than one sexual partner in their life.  Does that take away from the fact that they are a good person?  All this time I thought a good girl was someone that: helps take care of their family; is generous (in every way); is smart and educated and hard-working, never hurt anyone in any way.  I always thought that good girls are those that: are there for you when no one else is; don’t ask for anything in return – they just give; will support you though the good and the bad; respect their man and cook for them and clean for them and take care of them because that is what you do when you love someone - I thought those were the qualities that made girls unicorns.  Guys run around having sex with half the world until they meet that one girl that does it for them.  Does that mean that they are a bad person? NO.  It just means that they finally found the one; the one that showed them that they will never need anyone else … The good girl that was meant for them.  Quite frankly, how exactly do you expect to meet a sheep if you keep rolling around in the mud with a bunch of pigs?.

My favorite part of this article was this particular paragraph:
“The truth of the matter nowadays is that good girls, as we like to call them, don’t really exist.  They are unicorns.  You are lucky if you come across one that is actually who she says she is.  We sometimes even joke that our future wives are currently in Kindergarten because it is comforting to know that she is currently playing with blocks and not swinging from dick to dick because they sell her a good enough story and when she’s 18 we’ll snap her right up and she’ll have no exposure to being a slut”.  First of all, you sound like an insecure, narcissistic pedophile and for your information, what you just described is a kidnapping.  What kind of God do you think you are that feel you are entitled to some kind of untainted virgin while you are out running around poking and prodding every hole you come across!?  And let me just say this, if you plan on landing yourself a hot little 18 year old, your name better be Hugh Hefner and you better have 10 million in the bank because your looks won’t last forever, as you mentioned earlier … I’m sure no 18 year old is going to jump at the opportunity to change your dirty diaper when you’re too old to do it yourself.  Good luck with that … let me know how it works out for you.

So remember ladies, while your future husband is out there living it up bachelor style don’t forget to strap on that chastity belt nice and tight … oh, and while you’re at it, don’t forget that Bible (you are going to need it if you want your future husband to find you) … but wait a minute ladies, don’t get too excited just yet!  According to Mr. Waters, your husband will eventually leave you (out of boredom) for the whore that wasn’t good enough to marry in the first place … at this rate, I’m not even sure whether to keep my legs opened or close them back up … This is a tough call y’all.