Thursday, July 25, 2013

Salt N Pepa's Heeeaaaaaa

Forrest Gump once said, "Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't somethin' you can find just around the corner."  Please, excuse me while I grab some tissues ... Although this quote comes from a fictional character with a low IQ, it makes me respect the quote that much more.  It's true.  A best good friend isn't someone you come across everyday.  Like soul-mates, they come into your life and no matter what, they will be around forever.  I met my best good friend, when I was 10 years old, in a 5th grade class ... The birth of a beautiful friendship.  Pepa and I have been friends for over 20 years and in that time, we've been through everything together and have only come across a handful of downs.  Besides family, I can't think of anyone else I've known longer. 

BOOM!  Haters gonna hate

It wasn't too long ago that Pepa brought to my attention, the fact that as a best friend I had been slacking.  On the road to finding myself and my happiness, I started to turn my back on my friends, Pepa included.  It was not something intentional on my behalf, but I was lost for a while and I just needed a little bit of time to regroup.  You know, with every blog I write, I feel like I was really crazy at one point ... My God, no wonder I'm still single  ... And so, after some built-up tension, and a 3-day argument it was agreed that Salt-N-Pepa needed an official "girls night out".

The night began like any other night.  I picked up my foxy little friend and off we went in the Jetta and straight into the beautiful City that never sleeps.  First stop: The Stand (thank you Groupon for the show and drink tickets).  I made sure we arrived EARLY so that the hostess could sit us at the very front, because there is nothing better than attending a comedy show and getting picked on by comedians.  The comedic acts were great, the drinks were even better and for the rest of the show, every comedian referred to us as the hot, slutty, lesbian Latinas!!!  That's right y'all, they said WE WERE HOT, SLUTTY, LESBIAN LATINAS!!!  Who am I to complain?  I haven't received a compliment that awesome in months - shit, I'll take what I can get.

With the comedy show at an end and a bit tipsy at this point, we decided that maybe it would be best to call it a night ... that is, until we were on our way home and drove past our favorite little place, which just so happened to have a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT, which then led to Pepa shouting at me, "BITCH, you betta park this car!!!!!"  Now, if that is not Jesus giving us the green light to party, then I don't know what is ... sometimes, you just have to learn to recognize the signs people.  As we, gracefully, walked our way up to the bar, guess who was working the door???  Yes, that's right, another gift from Jesus: THE BOUNCER I had met from the horrible date I had with JB: the thigh molester!!!  This night was just getting better and better ... but with the good, comes the bad and the rest of the night was spend with Pepa running away from a 22 year old, Justin Bieber looking Marine, me dancing with a random drunk guy and at times flirting with and helping the Bouncer check for fake ID's and at one point, Pepa and I constantly looking over our backs for the Russians that kept inviting us back to their hotel room for a ... "party".  Um, some would refer to that as a gandbang or possible kidnapping.  I've seen Taken Part I and II - I can recognize danger.

Random Drunk Guy ... He was awesome

Our night turned out to be unexpected and fucking amazing as do most of our outings together ... and what better way to end an amazing successful night than in a dimly lit parking lot of Taco Bell, inhaling 3 mexi-melts after some quality drinking, which is detrimental to all the hard work I've been putting into the weight-loss competition I joined, but really?  When it comes to mending a once-in-a-lifetime friendship, there is no taco nor beer that can ever come between that!!!

I have many great friends,  I love them all and I wouldn't trade them for anything - but like my Pepa there is no other ... I don't know how to explain it, there is just an unspoken bond that's there.  Even though there are people that will read that last statement and think I'm a weirdo, the truth is I feel sorry for you, because I can only guess that you haven't found your best good friend - and no, she is not someone that you can just find around the corner; she is someone that you will find in your 5th grade class.

Ahhhhhh Push It ... Push it real good!!!

OH! and P.S.  THE BOUNCER!?!?  (insert a kool-aide smile and a big thumbs up in here)

The Struggle Continues ...

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Biggest Loser, Not Just a Show on NBC

A few months ago I experienced some sort of life change.  As you may know, I decided to start writing a blog because of this ONE HORRIBLE DATE that I had.  I blame my ego for assuming that I would be going on all these dates and later writing about the experience, but writing a blog about bad dates only works when you are going on bad dates - actually ... it only works when you are going on dates, period.  Apparently, I must be walking around with leprosy … but then I said to myself, it can’t be Leprosy, maybe I just need to get my ass into shape (because if one more person tells me, “Wow, you are really pretty for a fat girl”, I swear I am going to purchase a gun and shoot them in the face with it or maybe I’ll just tie them to a bed and shove fried chicken and cake down their throat), because THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT, ASSHOLE!!!

This is me: Challenge weigh-in day and with the cash

I think I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  I am not morbidly obese, but throughout the years I’ve only managed to get bigger and I am no longer in the healthy weight range.  It has taken me many, many years to accept this and to actually be semi “OK” with the fact that I am a ... BBW.  Yes.  I said it, “I AM A BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN"!  I will say this:  My weight has never deterred me from living my life (except for minor things like: jumping on a stripper pole or perhaps wearing a mini dress in public or walking around in a bikini) nor has it affected my romantic/sexual life.  Believe me when I say: There is someone out there for everyone and there are men out there (even the hot, model types) that LOVE a thick chick (don’t let them tell you otherwise - BECAUSE THEY ARE LYING!!!).  Besides, a majority of it IS personality and I can vouch for that – BELIEVE ME when I tell you that personality goes a loooooong way.  Anyway, one day, I finally got a wake-up call and her name is: MY SISTER.  Only a sister can destroy you with words and get away with it.  Although I didn't speak to her for 3 days because of the things she said to me, I now thank her everyday because of the things she said to me.  It’s OK to be big and own it, but it’s not OK to be big and unhealthy.  Whether or not you accept yourself for whom you are is up to you, but deep down inside, no matter how good I’ve gotten at hiding it, I was extremely unhappy and not to mention lazy, tired and slowly killing myself – health wise. 

I'm in it to win it, WHORES!!!
… and so was born The Biggest Loser.

 A group of us (12 friends including myself) decided that we all needed to kick our fat in the ass and wave it goodbye.  July 1st, the start of our new and improved life.  It’s unfortunate that it took $1,200.00, for me (or us) to realize that I’m too fat and I need to lose weight, but FUCK. THAT. SHIT!  If money is what it takes, then I’m in it to win it!!!  This competition has brought out the worst in us, personality-wise.  Especially Frank (I got permission to put him on blast, FYI – he can’t sue me), the mother-fucking troll who has spent the greater part of this competition trying to sabotage our progress, by posting pictures of the most delicious treats and by delivering 3 dozen donuts to our houses.  What. The FUCK, Who the fuck does that!?!  
What kind of human being does this!?!  Who are these people that I once called friends? 
Who does this!?

Just so you know, when I told my friend that I sprained my ankle, this was his response:
Ruthless Psychopath

It's only been one whole week and already, the claws have come out.  This competition has turned into a fight to the finish.  Apparently, this competition has also made me believe that I'm Flo Jo and that I'm competing in the 1988 Olympics, but obviously I'm not her because I managed to sprain my ankle last week, 2 DAYS INTO THIS FUCKING COMPETITION, while I was doing high-knees as if someone shoved a firecracker up my ass.  I've been out of commission for the past week, but my diet has been stricter than ever ... well, except for Saturday when I went camping and decided to shove three hot dogs and a coca-cola down my throat, followed by an ice cone (YIKES!!!).  One cheat day is OK, I read somewhere that cheat days help with your Leptin levels (often referred to as your starvation hormone - LOOK IT UP PEOPLE!  This blog is not about the facts, it is about a fat people competition!!!).

Anyway, I would like to end this blog on a positive note.  I want to wish all my fellow competitors the best of luck for the next 60 days.  Although we all secretly wish everyone else breaks a legs or gives in to a 5lb bowl on Fettuccine Alfredo, I'm sure deep down inside we all know that at the end of it all there will be no losers.  It doesn't matter who gets to the finish line first, the point is that we will all get to the finish line - that right there is the real prize - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the money doesn't hurt either, haha!!!

P.S. If anyone recognizes or sees this grimey mutha fucka, I think I speak for everyone in the competition when I say, "Beat him with a bat and then throw some fried chicken, ice cream and some buffalo wings at him - he LOVES those!!!".
Grimey Asian

 Good Luck y'all!!!