1. Mr. I’m The Man and You Are My Subordinate Wife. He was special … but in that Ike Turner kind of way; pretty much my first serious boyfriend. I was 18 (young and dumb), and I REALLY thought that this was love. Even though he wasn’t “my first”, he definitely unleashed the little sex kitten that had been lying dormant within me (thank you for making my sex life as amazing as it has been). In that aspect, I learned A LOT from him – but it ends there. I changed who I was for this guy and even gave up my friends to make him happy. I’m embarrassed to mention everything else that took place in that relationship. At the end of it all, no one was happy because my loneliness and misery lead to his misery, which then led to a series of ugly and dangerous fights. He was the epitome of what a controlling, male-chauvinist is … I’m surprised he never tried to cut off my clit and toss it into a bucket.
2. Mr. Love of My Life. He was the rebound that lasted 6 years that took me 3 years to get over. I immediately began dating him after No.1 – like literally – like 2 weeks after. I could write a 400 page article about Mr. Love of My Life, but I promise to keep it under 400 words instead. We broke up because we had to, not because we wanted to. I’m about to get corny in 3 … 2 … 1 … Our love was once like a beautiful flower that eventually began to slowly wilt away (You’re welcome Shakespeare). I learned from Mr. Love of My Life what is to truly love with your heart, body and soul: That head-over-heels, dizzy, sick-to-your-stomach, no one-else-exists, heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-chest, natural-head rush-high, walk-on-hot-coals-for-you kind of love. He and I had a connection that I had never felt with anyone before. He did show me kindness, emotional support, sincerity and A LOT of love and how to enjoy life but he also had his issues and insecurities. He had a lot of growing up to do and eventually, the possibility of a future with him slowly began to dissipate. The bad boy that was good just for me and I will always love him. Always.
3. Mr. Friend with Benefits. Although married, we developed a great friendship and one day, things just went straight to the next level. This is not something that I am proud of y'all, but it was also something that was never planned. We seriously were just friends – believe it or not, and really? Am I the ONLY girl that has ever been in this situation? So no judging, please! He was the
penis rock that I leaned on
after my break-up with Mr. Love of My Life.
If there's anything I learned from this one it's that just because
a guy is married, doesn’t mean he won’t cheat on his wife. Call me naïve, but had it not been for that
little sexcapade, I would have never thought otherwise. Additionally,
I learned that I am capable of having meaningless sex … I think this is a
great thing when you are single and in your prime sexual age! I’m just
saying, it helps to be a robot sometimes.
4. Mr. Almost Became My Husband. I hate talking about this one, probably because I still feel guilty about it. I was engaged to the best and nicest guy I have ever met and dated (until I meet my husband, of course!) … and then I left him. He is the guy that every girl wishes she could meet and marry. A knight in shining armor from a fairytale – that was him … and of course, I was never able to love him the way he loved me. I went to therapy for leaving this one. I was at a weird place in my life when we met. He was everything that Mr. Love of My Life wasn’t and I truly thought that I wanted to settle down … but it’s hard to keep a wild bird caged, when all they want to do is fly freely (spoken like a poetic Jesus, I know). I learned from him that there are still thousands of things I want to explore and do before I’m married with children. Not that marriage and children are bad things, but I am not ready for that life. I’m 95% positive that had we gotten married then, we would be divorced by now. I don’t know if in the future I will ever regret my decision to have left him, but I do know that I wasn’t happy in that relationship and not listening to your heart can be your biggest regret of all.
5. Mr. Accidental Heart-Breaker. This was a VERY brief but very important occurrence in my life. I can’t say that this guy is 100% entirely at fault for our demise; however, sometimes it’s just easier to point a finger. I don’t think we ever got off on the right foot to begin with and we just never managed to balance out thereafter, which makes me believe that perhaps we weren't meant to meet. Even though I can no longer stand this guy, I have no choice but to deal with the fact that I have to see him the rest of my life because of mutual friends who happen to be my family. The reason why he made the cut on this list is simply because after the past five years (and all the bullshit and ups and downs), he was the first and only guy after Mr. Love of My Life that I actually felt a connection with. I don’t know what it was about him, but I felt myself falling for him - I know, crazy. I learned from him that there is hope; that even after all the heartbreaks and disappointments I still had some love in my heart and even being in my 30’s, love has not yet left my side.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!
May 2014 bring you great health, an overabundance of happiness and an overindulgence of love!