New Year, Same Selfish Me

The words I am about to write are in no way meant to offend or get a rise out of those who might not agree with my expressed opinion.  As stated, this is merely my opinion, which is based on my own personal life experiences.  I write to express my thoughts and feelings and in doing so, I hope that my words can touch those that share my same sentiments but haven’t found their own voice to express the same.

I have spent a huge chunk of my adult life searching for a boyfriend; a husband … “The One”, if you will.  I've received nothing in return but a string of poor decisions, awful experiences, unwarranted heartache and emotional turmoil.  I have no idea why or when I drilled it into my head that I NEEDED to be married by 25, with my first child by 28 and my last by 34 (I've come close - I was engaged twice) and it has done NOTHING but stress me the FUCK out.  I've always referred to myself as a lost soul always trying to find my way.  My closest friends could probably tell you that it has been my life mission to find a husband no. matter. what.  It didn’t make matters any better when everyone around me was either getting engaged, getting married or birthing some offspring:  You haven’t seen crazy like Natalia circa 2012, let me tell you.

And so, I started off 2014 with that “New Year, New Me” mentality and I swore to the heavens that THIS would be MY YEAR of TRUE LOVE!  I wished for it so hard that when I FINALLY attained it, I destroyed what otherwise would have maybe, quite possibly been a good, solid relationship.  I’m not saying that I was 100% at fault, because (let’s be honest) I wasn’t, but for the sake of an argument, let’s just say I was somewhat at fault.  Anyway, I’ve digressed … ** Here’s a little cliché: They say the grass is always greener ** I’m not really sure who “they” are, but I’m assuming it’s those people who are now bitter and living in regret for not choosing the path they REALLY wanted to take because they were too scared to do so.  Anyway, after wishing for a boyfriend for so long, I finally got one and guess what?  The grass was greener after all - when I was single and living selfishly for ME.  With no regrets, I walked away from that mess and chose to pursue the dream career I’ve had sitting on the back burner for quite some time.

For me, marriage?  Kids?!  No.  FUCK that noise.

I don’t know how I will feel in the next 6 to 12 months (never say never) but for now, I will say this:  I have been around way too many babies and couples to know that I do NOT want nor do I need a serious relationship in my life right now, let alone children.  I am NOT mentally ready to give up my habitual drinking lifestyle AND freedom in order to take care of a little me.  I LOVE my nephews and niece more than myself, but I also love that I can give them back when shit gets real.  Maybe, I actually want to be that drunk aunt that fucks up Christmas (just kidding, I liven that shit up!!!), maybe I can just start 2015 with a cat?!  and truth be told - a girl's gotta eat and my no strings attached options?  Not ready to give those up yet (and yes, I just admitted that).  Sorry, not sorry.

Douglas Adams said it best, “I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I needed to be” … and I’ll tell you where that is Dougie: Most certainly not in a hospital delivering a baby … but wherever it is, rest assured, there will selfishly be a drink in my hand.

Cheers to 2015!!!

Bathroom Love ...

Dear Kiko:

We met by chance in a winsome little bar in Williamsburg on Saturday night.  I was out with family for the night with no expectations of meeting ANYONE, so little that I had on my "I don't give a fuck I'm just going out for a beer or 4" outfit.

... and then, I had to pee.

As I walked down the stairs into a creepy dim-lit narrow hallway, there you were - standing - up against the wall. and all I could see was your back ... quite a handsome back if I do say so myself.

I stood in line behind you patiently waiting my turn, but I had to pee soooooooooo bad.  So, I gracefully tapped you on the shoulder and asked if each stall was for, "guys and girls or are these gender neutral".  To which you replied, "I'm sorry doll, it's for both".  Doll.  DOLL.  *swoons* ... and then you introduced yourself and stuck out your hand out to shake mine - like a true gentleman.  Now, normally, because of all this Ebola hoopla and because we were on line of a not-so-clean bathroom, I wouldn't have touched you, but you were so you and you spoke to my soul when you said how much you loved wine and the vineyards, I just couldn't resist the urge to take your hand in mine.

SIDE NOTE to my readers:  He washed his hands and even dried them properly with 2 paper towels and disposed of said paper towels in the appropriate receptacle and not on the floor.

You asked for my number and I left the bar shortly thereafter.

You haven't yet called.

Kiko, did I offend you in any way by the bathroom?  I'm sorry I stared at you while you engaged in your act of cleanliness.  Did I look too sweaty?  It was just so hot in that damn bar - I mean who puts on heat this time of year!?! It hasn't even reached the mid-40's yet!  We were so inappropriately close to each other on that line, was my breath smelling too hoppy!?!?  I usually have gum on me (I'm always so conscious about these things), but what can you really fit into a wristlet?

Maybe I'll hear from you, but if I never do ... I hope you continue to chase your dreams with your sexy 'stache and a wine glass in your clean, urine free hands.

Until next time ...

That Moment In My Life Where I Channeled Oprah ...

You have to forgive me, it's been almost 10 months since I last blogged about ANYTHING at all.  I have to be honest, we were a little preoccupied with a little something called a relationship (and by we, I mean my vagina and I) - consistency is nice, I must say.


Any who ... I spend the first half of the year in a relationship with that good guy that I took a chance on.  SPOILER ALERT: It didn't workout - and that's okay.  There really isn't much to say about it - Life brought someone into my life for a reason and took him out of my life for a reason.

Through every break-up or whatever relationship bullshit I've dealt with in my life I always tend to walk away looking and feeling like that moment when your DVR decided NOT to record the last 10 mins of the season finale cliffhanger of your favorite show.  This time though, it was different ...

Just after the relationship ended, for about a day or two I had that moment.  My Pepa patiently sat on the phone with me, for about an hour, and just listened while I bawled my eyes out.  I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of the things I did wrong in the relationship and why at 32 years old, I had failed as a woman and couldn't even make ONE relationship work ... then @ 7am when I woke up for work, it happened.  At some point during the night of trauma, I had gone to bed a broken woman and woke up as Oprah.

It was a beautiful moment for me.  I wasn't sad or hurt, I felt empowered.  I had finally realized the beauty of being in a relationship in my 30's.  I knew what it was I wanted in life and I stood up for the things I believed in.  And while no one is ever perfect, I knew in my heart that I was never anything less than a good woman to this person.  Unfortunately, I was never able to make them happy, but I'll tell you what I was able to do, tell them to go fuck themselves for treating me as if I was a worthless piece of shit.  I never used those exact words - I am a lady after-all and sometimes we just have to suppress that language and #keepitclassy, ladies.

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting.  Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to.  Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us" - Emery Allen

Not long after the break-up I stumbled upon this quote and of course, it made perfectly good sense.  Not everything is meant to be ever-lasting and this person walked into my life to teach me that I DO love myself, enough to respect myself and know that it was time to walk away and for that I thank you and I wish you all the best.

YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF - EVERYYYBODYYYY CAN FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!   <3

Until next time ...

The Day I Gave a Good Guy a Chance

If I could go back in time and speak to my 14 year old self, I wouldn't.  Actually, I would most likely slap the rose-colored glasses off her face and tell her that, "These are the names of the boys you must stay away from!!!", because unfortunately, I've spent a major part of my life chasing after the bad boy.  Yes. SEVENTEEN years of poor decisions, endless heartbreaks and unnecessary drama, to be exact.  There is no one to blame here but myself, because I should have outgrown that phase at least 5 years ago … but really?  Who can resist spontaneity, those badass tattoos, a rap sheet and all that mystery? *swoons and drops panties*

There will come a day in your life when you will finally grow up and give a good guy a chance - when tattoos and mystery and motorcycles AND danger will no longer do it for you and that day for me was January 4, 2014.

... And while this was simply a first date with a perfect stranger, I was still able to walk away a changed person.  Who knew that in one date, I could learn some life-altering lessons?!  Regardless of what happens here, the point is that I am FINALLY traveling down the right path and I am one step closer to where I need to be.

While some of these may be the simplest of life lessons we learn at an early age, for some of us, the same mistakes have to repeat themselves until we finally get the point!  With that said ...

The day I gave a good guy a chance, was the day that I learned:
      1. We all have to grow up sometime … even at 31 =)
      2. You can’t save a bad boy and try and make him good – the damage has already been done (and they must save themselves first)
      3. Bad boys are just that … BOYS
      4. And a good family instills values and raises a MAN
      5. Chivalry still exists, even if you weren’t born in the 1950’s
      6. "Bad Boys are no good and good guys are no fun". FALSE: Not all good guys are boring - they still have a little mystery of their own and that is sexy as hell!!!
      7. A solid, deep conversation with a man can actually drive a woman wild
      8. My value and worth as a lady and human being
      9. You don't need to find the person that is better for you, you need to find the one that makes you want to become a better person.
      10.My personality is awesome and although it might scare some guys away … nope … My personality is awesome and guys that can’t handle it are just P*$$!*$.

The day I gave a good guy a chance … was the day that I was finally able to let go of my past and my life finally began falling into place.