Thursday, September 3, 2015

Thursday Morning Humor ...

Am I the only person faced with humiliation?  Because apparently, I forgot that dating someone on a consistent basis meant subjecting yourself to vulnerability; that in getting to know someone or someone getting to know you meant inevitably exposing all your flaws!

Here, let me be more specific, in no particular order, I give to you a list of the most embarrassing things that have ever happened while dating you:

1.  You took me to a fancy Italian Restaurant for my birthday (I don't normally date guys that take me out to fancy anything) and I couldn't even pronounce the plate names on the menu!!!  So I asked you to order for me (you said, "No, it wouldn't be right") and I proceeded to tell you that I was having a Pretty Woman moment - and opted for a soup instead, because it's all I could pronounce. 

2.  In that same dinner, I became so nervous, that I began telling you a story about how I once went to go see a Flamingo dancing show.  Not Flamenco ............... FLAMINGO.

3. My first ever drunk text to you.

4. I slept over your house another time and I may or may not have woken myself up from a deep sleep with a loud-ass fart.  Ugh.  This incident cannot be confirmed nor denied because I chose to never ask you about it.  #justpretenditdidnthappen because lets be honest: GIRLS. DONT. FART.  or shit. or have assholes, for that matter.

5. I lied to you about being sick w a stomach virus because I didn't want you to NOT come over that day.  I'm sorry you had to deal with my gastrointestinal problem.  but hey,  #icebreaker.

6. When my past was revealed ... dare I say it?  Eskimos brothers.

7.  and again when my past kept rearing it's ugly head (Hey babe!  I have a great idea!  Let's play the "how many numbers" game)

8. Getting out of the shower and getting dressed/undressed in front of you.  Double UGH

9. You've seen me drink 2.5 bottles of wine.  By myself.  To the face.  Like a mutha fuckin champ

10. The first time I drank in front of you, I asked you 3455654643 times if it was OK to smoke a cigarette in front of you.  Thank you for not punching me in the face  =)

11.  KARAOKE. 

12.  When you discovered my old, but super comfy yoga-turned-pajama pants with all the holes in the inner thigh.

13. We went out to eat for a Lobster festival one lovely Friday afternoon.  One of my favorite dates thus far aka Top Gun Part Deux.  The next morning my stomach did not agree with all the lobster yumminess we indulged in the afternoon before.  I purposely woke up at like 5:30a to unleash hell in your bathroom.  Fortunately for me, you woke up shortly after and proceeded to use the bathroom after me.  Again, we can add this to the list of things to #justpretenditdidnthappen.  I'm sorry.

14. When I admitted my true fear of open doors to you "Because Ghosts and shit".

and lastly,

15.  Our first BBQ together.

I would add more stories and embarrass you, but let's just keep this one about me.  In the meantime, thank you for not judging me.

THe struggle continues.

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