Karma Is a Greedy Whore and She’s Taking All the Men

Just like every little girl out there, I too grew up thinking that I would be married, most likely, by the time I was 25 years old.  I blame all those Disney movies for stuffing unrealistic garbage in my head.  For a long time, I truly believed that maybe, just maybe, if I made myself drown at the beach, a handsome prince (or lifeguard) would save me and gracefully sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset in his strong tattooed arms and we would live happily ever after … The End.  What Disney failed to tell us is that not every guy we meet in life is going to be a rich, handsome prince (that’s still single).  Sometimes, he’s still married and wants you as his side piece, or sometimes he has a lot of emotional baggage and is afraid to commit, and SOMETIMES, he just doesn’t have his shit together and working (God forbid) is just an unfathomable idea.  Where are those movies!?!?  Are they locked up somewhere in the Disney vault???  For some little girls, that perfect dream came true, but as for me?  Well … I’m still dreaming.  At 25, instead of getting married to the love of my life, I was breaking up with him after 6 long years.  Fast forward 5 years later and here I am, 30 years old and frantically searching for “the one” (and I say frantically because it sounds more dramatic that way).  But let’s just be honest here, if your future husband was suddenly kidnapped and being tortured in some prison camp, I’m sure you wouldn’t be sitting at home painting your nails.  Because seriously – where else could he be?  It’s the only logical explanation. 

Now, I want to clarify one thing, I am 30 years old and I KNOW that technically, I am NOT old and that I still have my entire life ahead of me and things will happen when they are meant to happen … blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit, but honestly, it really sucks being one of the last boy-friend-less, relationship-less, childless people in your family.  My favorite question is, “So?  When is it your turn Nat?” *rolls eyes*.  Obviously, not any time soon and thanks for the reminder dick.  I don’t respond like that out loud because my mom raised me better than that, but that’s what I would say, if I knew my mom wasn’t going to beat me for being rude and disrespectful.

I don’t want you guys to read this and think that I’m walking around like that little wind-up doll, with a black cloud over my head in that commercial for Pristiq (am I even allowed mentioning products on here?  Am I going to get sued?  Great, now I’ll be a 30 year old single female, depressed and millions of dollars in debt.  Maybe Pristiq will sponsor me instead, for advertising them on my blog unintentionally and after they sue me they can help ease my depression with some free pills).  Anyway, the point here people is that I’m not depressed, I’m generally a pretty happy person, I actually enjoy being single very much.  I do what I want, when I want and I have no one to answer to.  I can go out and party my ass off or sit at home and drink a bottle of wine by myself or watch sappy movies all night and cry until my eyes look like they were attacked by a family of wasps.  I can be selfish and think about ONLY myself – I love that.  I just have my moments where I sit and wonder if I’m being punished for the shit I’ve done in my life (some of which I’m not proud of).  Although I know that this is a terrible way of thinking, there is a small part of me that strongly believes that Karma is acting like a vindictive whore and she is coming at me – full force.  I have my issues, I won’t deny that, but I also think I have a lot to offer.  Apparently the guys I’ve been dating are blind, because they can’t see the kind of lady I have the potential to be (if you look past the drinking and cursing, I know she is in there somewhere) … I guess everyone is right though, maybe it’s just not my time.

I spent this weekend not on any dates, but rather in the company of some good friends, drinking, overeating and dishing out some good stories about our experiences with the opposite sex.  Conclusion: Guys suck and girls are fabulous.  As we discussed our dating disasters, my friend stumbled upon this little gem of a deal in her LivingSocial email - for a speed dating event.  Amidst all the drinking and guy bashing, the Gods were finally giving in!!!  After some extensive research on the event, I realized the following:

          1. I now fall into the 30-43 year old bracket.  I used to love dating guys 10 years + older than me ... That now means dating guys in their 40's.  OUCH.
          2. The entire month of June for HurryDate is already booked!?!?  What. The fuck.  The competition is getting fierce.  At this rate, it’s time I considered adopting a cat or 10 … or maybe I need to work on learning some MMA fighting just in case I need to take a bitch down at this speed dating event.  I’m hoping I don’t have to resort to the later, but if Ariel, Jasmine, and Mulan all fought for love, why cant I?

Although I’m not THAT crazy about this speed dating idea, the truth is, I’m secretly hoping to find someone there just as fucked up as I am.  Who knows?  Maybe we will hit it off and I’ll be able to ask him how he was able to escape the prison camp and find his way here to me and then we will run off into the sunset, with our speed dating ID badges still intact and live happily ever after.  The end.

Look at that sunset!  This could be us ... I'm at a loss for words.